Can anyone help me with this essay? I need some feedbacks. Can you see who I am through this essay? Do you think it relates to the essay prompt? Suggestions and corrections will be greatly appreciated! Thanks for your time.
The essay prompt: "Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?"
THE SIGNIFICANT BANG
I shakily slid the forms back into the envelope and sighed. I had just finished filling up my application papers for xxx University and it was a complete and utter disaster. I just couldn't help myself and made one mistake after the other. What's worse was the personal essay, it's even more nerve-wracking than the application forms! I didn't know what to write and I was at a loss for words. I asked myself again and again, "What should I say to you?"
Well, there was definitely no defining moment. The 'Big Bang' that have significantly contributed to me being the proud individual that I am today, was not brought upon by a single experience or an accomplishment. It's a collection of everything that I've done, every choice, every moment and everything that I had gone through and felt. Without all these experiences, I am nothing.
But experiences do not come without change.
I can recall myself realizing for the first time that change didn't come easy. The K-12 program had just been implemented and we were given the choice to undergo the recalibration program. Of course, I took it. Why not? I've been wanting to experience something new and this was it. Plus, I'll be able to help my parents out financially cutting a year of my education from their expenses.
Everyone was rather bold, the ones who took the program. We were leaving everything and everyone we've ever known behind. It excited yet scared the hell out of me at the same time. All of a sudden I was being introduced to new peers, new teachers and a new system I was supposed to work with until I graduated from high school. At first, it was difficult. I had to adjust, more so, change parts of myself to better my chances of surviving through 9th grade.
I knew I could do better and I knew I had potential primarily because my teachers kept on saying so, I just lacked the initiative. That's why it was the first thing I tried to change. At the end, my efforts paid off. I pulled through and I knew somehow, I did good. I got better grades and I earned myself people whom I can really call my friends. For once, I gave myself a break and acknowledged my achievements. I was happy because even though small, I did that. I really did.
The years that came after were definitely better than before I went through the recalibration program even though it consisted of far more difficulties and challenges along the way. That one choice, that one risk I had decided to take created a ripple effect that led to something better that eventually led to even better things which comprise of every moment that makes me who I am today.
There was that time when my parents and I had quite big complications but is also the reason why we have the strong bond that we have now. It was during those times that Love had decided to take a swing at me and shattered my heart into a million broken pieces which helped me find the comforts of friendship. Friendships that helped strengthen my faith and achieve a better understanding of God and religion. These experiences taught me how to prioritize and appreciate the family that I had. It taught me that sometimes, I have to woman up and gather the courage to try. It showed me how to be kind and to trust in people to know who I really was. It was with those experiences did I get to meet someone who is always going to be there for me, even if I lose my way.
In all honesty, it still makes me nervous. You know, change. Having had gone through all that I did was, to say the least, frightening but I'll welcome it again with open arms. Yes, change does make things a lot more complicated but I believe that's what makes it so beautiful. The challenge and the risk of having to face the unknown. It made me see that there was so much more that life had to offer and we shouldn't waste our time ogling at it from the side that we think is "safer".
I'll say it again, everything that I've done, every choice, every moment and everything that I had gone through and felt has made me the person I am today. I am proud of every achievement that I have made and of my mistakes as well. But this is just the beginning. I know I still have a lot to learn and I want to experience more of what this life has to offer but only with change will I get to experience that. Change that I believe the xxxxxxx University has got to offer.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 12,839 4175
Alessandra, there is too much going on in this essay. It sounds like you are writing this essay in panic mode. You need to relax and consider the requirements of the prompt before you start writing. I advise you to not write the essay yet. Forget that you even wrote this essay. Instead, I want you to write down all of the events in your life that you think qualify as a response to this prompt. Write down a combination of 5 of the personal and academic events that you feel would best respond to the prompt. List those as column headings. Then under the columns, write down the reasons you believe these apply to the prompt. Narrow it down to your top 2. From there, draft your essay, listing the one you believe to be the most effective as the last entry in the essay (meaning it goes at the top of the page) to give it higher consideration and priority in the eyes of the reviewer. Make sure that these 2 events define you in 2 methods, one personal, and one academic. That is the best way to satisfy the requirements of the prompt.
I have to agree with @Holt here. Also, I think you are skirting around the answer instead of answering it directly. Just because you haven't had that big bang in your life that suddenly changes everything, doesn't mean you haven't had some sort of "awakening" or turning point in your life. It feels like you are trying to tell this huge life story instead of really focusing on one or two things and then fleshing them out and making them detailed.
I knew I could do better and I knew I had potential primarily because my teachers kept on saying so, I just lacked the initiative. That's why it was the first thing I tried to change.
Well there you go, that's something. That's a turning point in your life that changed the way you went about your life and the way you saw your life. However, the way you say it really does you a disservice. You focus more on how teachers said you lacked initiative and potential more than the way it affected you and helped define who you decided to be.