Describe the factors that have most influenced you and your hopes and dreams.

Hi there! I'm applying for the Yale Young Global Scholars programme, and this is the essay I was asked to write.
I have absolutely no experience in writing non-academic essays so I don't know what they're looking for. Since English isn't my first language there might also contain some mistaken use of language. I would really appreciate some feedback. Thank you :)

Please describe the factors that have most influenced you and your hopes and dreams. How have they shaped you?

"to be influenced by what one constantly sees and hears"

In my 17 years of life, I would say that it is the people around me and the voices I have heard influenced me the most.

When I was a kid, I never actually considered my identity. I didn't know who I was nor did I care. I did somehow know who I wanted to be, or to be specific, who I wanted to be like -- my parents, mainly because I did not really know anyone else. Then I really looked up to my elementary school teachers, and started teaching my dolls the things I had learnt from my teachers. Looking back at that time now, I think most of my peers shared this passion of teaching, even though they probably had not been teaching their dolls.

Reading has also been helpful. I was fascinated to see how different people could be from my friends and me through a few pages. Sitting by a pile of books on a Sunday afternoon was so typical for me then. Truth to be told, I was quite a stubborn and single-minded child, however with the accumulating amount of pieces I had read and the voices I had heard, I gradually opened up my mind and tried to embraced the arguments controversial to mine.

When people coming from different backgrounds with different inspirations meet is when the most exchanges of ideas happen and when one can really find out more about himself/herself. Therefore high school has proven to be the perfect classroom for me. I spent the first half of high school in my hometown and will finish the last two years abroad. If the first two years was already socially educating enough (as it was), the first term abroad broadened my horizon even better. Being a boarder allowed me to spend a large proportion of my time with my schoolmates, whereby I got to find more about our cultural differences and begun to form something of a global perspective. Being around them made me think once again about who I was and what I would like to be. Someone was no longer whom I wanted to be like but whom I wanted to be.

There is a saying in Chinese translating into something like "to be influenced by what one constantly sees and hears" and I genuinely believe it. I am still quite like although different from my parents because I did spend the most of my time growing up with them. My classmates were also influential to my personality and I am genuinely thankful since they help me became less strong-headed. I was also able to find out who I had always wanted to be along the way - a thinker, a leader, and a listener. Still stubborn sometimes but have been trying to get better.

I think I get the poin but your essay seems to be kind of all over the place. You should try to tie it up to a general ending and tell your stories in a more understandable way. Always keep in mind that the phrases you use in your native language might not translate exactly as they are to English.

Here are some specific suggestions:
I would say that it is the people around me and the voices I have heard influenced me the most.
I never actually consideredrealized my identity.
However, I did somehow know who I wanted to be in the future , or to be spesificmore spesifically , who I wanted to be like: my parents, mainly ...

the things I had learnt from my teachers.
Looking back at that time now, (...) this passion offor teaching
Reading has also beenwas also helpful.
Sunday afternoon was so typical forof me then
Truth to be told
I was a quite a stubborn and single-minded child,
... amount of pieces I had read and the voices I had heard, I gradually opened up my mind and tried to embraced the arguments controversialopposingto mine.

When people coming from different backgrounds (...) the most exchanges of ideas happens, and when (...) more about himself/herself.oneself.

... to be the perfect classroomenvironment for me.
If the first two years (...) enough (as it was) , the first term (...) even bettermore .
begun to form something of a global perspective
... who I was and whatwhom I would like to be.
Someone was no longer whom I wanted to be like but whom I wanted to be. (not sure what you mean??)
There is a saying in Chinese:translating intosomething like "to be influenced by what one constantly sees and hears" and I genuinely believe it. ----> the saying has no verb??? not clear

I am still quite like althoughsimilar but also different from my parents because I did spendspent the most of my ...

strong headed???? what do you mean???
Still stubborn sometimes but have... ---> I think this sentence is unnecessary and not a good ending.

Good luck!

@sweetsenior
Thank you! This is really helpful, especially the language part.
Also good luck with your application.

Charlotte, the essay needs to start from a pivotal point in your life when you actually began to realize that you were being influenced by the existence of other people with regards to your hopes and dreams. This essay only shows the possible influences on your personality through your parents, teachers, and time abroad. It doesn't create an image of your hopes and dreams actually being influenced by the existence of these people and situations. So you have to start a new essay from scratch. You don't have to think of multiple personalities or factors that influenced you if there is only one strong and pivotal factor in your life that did that. It is better to have an essay that focuses on a singular influence than to have an essay that has a lot of things to say, but none of which actually help you to properly respond to the prompt. Think of the real, strong, pivotal influence in your life that led to your desire to enroll in your current major of choice. What were the factors that contributed to this decision? Those are the factors that have helped to shape you in terms of your hopes and dreams and those are the elements that you should present in your essay.

@Holt
Thanks a lot! I'll just write a new one.

@charzbk
Hello! I feel that your essay was written well although you should start it stronger -- something that will captivate the reader to make them keep reading the essay. Make sure that as it starts stronger, it should also end strong. Make your essay consistent so that the reader will keep being interested until the end.

Try to be more specific. If you were influenced by teachers, then talk about a particular teacher. Same is the case with reading. Which book comes to mind? Being specific makes you seem more 3-dimensional.

@skazo @notmargaux @Holt @sweetsenior
Again, thanks a lot guys. I wrote a new one and I really want to hear your opinions on this.

"No. You cannot leave it like that. Go back and finish what you started. Now." I remember making excuses for not going to my music lessons, wanting to quit tennis, and trying to have my mum taking care of my daffodils, that was what she told me every time. Of course, I ended up doing exactly as she ordered each time, however discontented. Though I am thankful that she said those words to me repeatedly, not only because those things which once felt like torture turned out to be my hobbies, but more importantly, I learnt to be consistent, to never quit, to take responsibilities and always finish what I started instead of leaving a mess for others to clean up after me. I did not realize this was a rare quality until later when I found out how many problems it caused when someone in my team did the exact opposite. Since then, never have I ever put others in that position where they are forced to take care of the trouble I made.

Ever since I was a girl, reading has always been one of my greatest pleasure. Waking up every Sunday morning, I would first reach for the book I read myself to sleep the night before. From the earliest civilization to medieval, from the Victorian era to the 20th century then from now to even hundreds of years later, the characters my books depicted live their lives in different times and different countries even different worlds. It was fascinating yet sometimes sad for me to see the effects their times had on them. Still, the last pages of the book A Tale of Two Cities are tear stained. As a child with a rich imagination, I sometimes pictured myself in one of their worlds and occasionally I created my own land to live in. I guess that was when my hope to understand the world better and to make it better began.

To be honest, I was never the most confident kid in school. However I refused to let my shyness stop me. With my parents' encouragement, I ran for head of class in second grade (by being the first one to stand up and making a very short speech on why everyone should vote for me when Mrs. Young asked for nominations), and also have been the host for several school events since fourth grade. Those two activates really boosted my confidence significantly and never was I afraid to speak up.

There is a saying in Chinese translating into "it is the thing that we see and hear the most affects us the most." However, I believe that under the conditions that those things make one think. The thinking is the most crucial part because only when you think about it, it might mean something to you and you could make progress or change for the better.

Charlotte, I can tell that you did your best to deliver a totally new essay that would best suit the prompt requirements. After reading this version, I came to realize that there is only one paragraph here that truly adheres to the prompt requirements and that would be paragraph 2. The paragraph where you speak of reading as being influential in your life and hopefully, your own hopes and dreams as well.

Since reading opens the eyes and imagination of the reader to the possibilities of life and its opportunities, I strongly suggest that you take paragraph 2 and build a new response around it. Increase the discussion to illustrate how reading has been an integral and influential part of your life. Remember, the greatest minds develop their greatest accomplishments through reading the work of other people. It offers inspiration to improve oneself, strive to improve something in their life of the life of their community, or just simply offers an insight into how certain aspects of life can be led. A thorough discussion of reading in relation to its influence on your hopes and dreams will definitely help to explain how that factor, your habit of reading every Sunday morning helped to shape the person you have become.