U of M: describe your interests and aspirations in engineering.

College of Engineering Please describe your interests and aspirations in engineering. What experiences have influenced you?

Math and science have always fascinated me since I was a child. However, it wasn't until this year that I've decided that I had a penchant for engineering. It all started when I built my computer from scratch, drilling screws and making sure every part was in place. Something as simple as a fan not working can fry your CPU in just 20 seconds. When the lights finally went green and the startup screen was on, I knew I had completed my goal. This diligent yet rewarding procedure is what I love about building. The satisfaction knowing that you are why the product is standing in its entirety is insurmountable. Even so, I don't think I ever truly understood engineering to say I aspired to be an engineer-until now.

While I enjoy building things I also fancy chemistry and medicine. I finally found a way to combine these two predilections of mine into one-nanotechnology. After being introduced to nanotechnology on Discovery channel, I was definitely captivated. Nanotechnology turns out to be the bridge to all my ambitions. It allows me to build machinery on a sub-atomic level and then use them for medical applications, including curing cancer.

Additionally, my interests in nanotechnology stem from the fact that we are just beginning to learn about nanotechnology which means I can actually help contribute to our knowledge on such an arcane subject. I believe that University of Michigan is a place where I can explore this ambition. With its specialized Nanotechnology Institute for Medicine and Biological Sciences, I can learn not only from its insightful engineering program but also delve into the intricacies of nanotechnology. It is there I will be able to combine my interests in math and science and my ventures to help society.

I fixed up my last sentence.. I don't think it's very strong though.. still.

This is a good start. I would suggest using more description words and higher level vocabulary instead of words such as "happy" or "liked". Also a transition between computer and nano would make the flow of the essay better. It is a great start though!

Would a transition word help or should i just cut oen of the parts out completely?
I'm currently sporting with ..

You can always improve it by cutting out what is unnecessary:

I've always been intrigued by math and science; since I was a child ; I was always excited to go to my science and math classes. however, it wasn't until...

All that stuff I cut out was unnecessary.

Use a dash here:
...to truly say I endeavored to be an engineer -- until now.

Okay, I think the first two paragraphs should be combined into one, and you should go back and add a new intro -- something serious that conveys a particular theme pertaining to nanotechnology. That is the strongest part of your essay.

Then go to the nanotechnology paragraph and elaborate on what you would like to do as a professional. That is the most important part. And name some professors or resources at this school that will help you to achieve that goal.

ok, I took your advice and cut out the first two and cut it into one and elaborated on nanotechnology.

to be brutally honest, outside of your discussion of nanotech in the last para which doesn't last very long, this isn't that powerful an essay. Still, its not bad by any stretch, its actually pretty solid so I don't want to sound too harsh, but you don't jump to many conclusions, and your ending isn't particuarly moving. I personally think the quoet at the end failed, general rule is if you end or start with quotes, they better be pretty powerful and this isn't a special quote by any means. Your introduction wasn't particularly capitvating either, I know you gave a list of things you did, maybe a particular anecdote would serve you better. One thing I did really like about your essay was the last two lines of the second to last para, thats the type of thing you want to build around which i think you do to some extent. Overall, pretty solid, just take a look at some of the stuff I said and see if you can incorporate it, im applying to umich also, if you get a chance, it would be great if you took a look at my essays and told me which you think i should use for the common app. Thanks alot

It is here that I will be able to combine my interests in math and science and my ventures to help society.

You are doing great. The details make it so impressive. It is great that you don't make that common mistake of writing an essay full of generalities.

Comma:
While I enjoy building things, I also fancy chemistry and medicine.

Thank you so much Kevin, last question.. do you think there's anything wrong with my closing sentence? I feel like it's not strong enough. Obviously if i can think of a stronger one that's great, but as it is currently do you think it's ok? And yeah sorry for all these edits, but just means I take every single advice and try to incorporate it into my response :p

I think it is impressive to the reader when you refer back to something you said at the start. By the way, I think that boring first sentence should be more of a concern than the last sentence!! :-)

You said this:
Even so, I don't think I ever truly understood engineering well enough to say I aspired to be an engineer-until now.
So at the end you should say something about how you now understand it well enough to say with certainty that you intend to make this your area of expertise.

would the "even so.." be better or would this entirely new sentence work?

Despite this, I don't think that I realized my ambition to become an engineer-until now.

I think my first one had more flow.. lol.. and yeah I'll try and make that first sentence less cliche.

And for the first sentence i was thinking would images be better?
"Numbers and astir test tubes have always fascinated me"

Yes, invoke images when you write! And yes, "despite" is good.