I'm getting ready to submit my applications to my top two colleges so I want to get a few more opinions on my essay.
614 words
determination
noun | deˇterˇmiˇnaˇtion \di-ˌtər-mə-ˈnā-shən\
The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines determination as "a quality that makes you continue trying to do or achieve something that is difficult." Growing up you hear stories of people who spent years of their life trying to reach one final goal. I used to wonder what it was like to have a long-term goal and have the determination to actually make it there. Sure, I've had times where I've been determined to do something but those were small goals, ones like getting an A on a math test or being able to play a particularly hard section in a piece of music, but until recently I never had a long-term goal.
Some people have one thing that occupies most of their time; others have many. I had two that I picked up my freshman year of high school. The first was marching band and the second was horseback riding. So, from freshman year until first semester of junior year, these things kept me busy. I didn't mind giving up my Saturdays during the fall and spring for competitions and shows because unlike previous hobbies I had tried, I loved them. Now imagine every time you try to do the activities you love, you're in pain.
The pain started at the beginning of junior year. Rarely did I finish a marching band practice without sitting out at least once. I managed to finish the season in November, and by this point, I had already taken a break from horseback riding and my time after school consisted of homework and futile attempts at physical therapy. I went to several doctors after physical therapy but all that came out of it was a simple diagnosis: joint hypermobility. Put simply, hypermobility means my joints are able to move beyond the normal range of motion. My inability to march or ride were considered and I decided there's no way I could quit those things, they're practically who I am.
Like my previous experience with physical therapy, my attempts at finding ways to manage my pain were also futile. With my senior year quickly approaching I was faced with the question of whether or not I would actually be able to participate in my final year of marching band. So I moved sections. This year I'm a percussionist, no marching involved. This way I can still participate in something that is important to me. As for horseback riding, I returned to the barn, after being gone for almost six months, as a volunteer camp counselor over the summer. I begin work as a regular volunteer there in the spring. I'm determined to stay involved in the things I love.
These are rather simple solutions to the problem of still being involved despite physical limitations, but I want to go beyond that. The second problem I want to solve involves others affected by hypermobility. Why does hypermobility cause chronic pain in some people and not others and are there ways to live almost pain free lives? Through the research of both the genetic and structural makeup of people affected by hypermobility there may be ways to know who will be affected by chronic pain and begin managing that pain early. My hope is that other kids, teens, and even adults won't have to suffer through pain to do the things they love.@svt2016
youre essay is strong and interesting. the only thing i would do differently is maybe use a different word than determination. determination, adversity, and hardwork are probably the 3 most commonly essay based words regarding college essays. you want to stand out, so my suggestion is maybe use a different word than determination. other than that, good stuff. best of luck with your schools
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Shelby, there is only one point of correction required in your essay. That pertains to the definition of determination. There is absolutely no reason to include the word, the pronunciation guide, and the lexical meaning of the word. That first paragraph is a total throw away that doesn't really help to more your essay along nor present any information to the reviewer that would catch his interest and make him want to read what you have written. The second paragraph, which is more direct to the point and actually presents the first part of your response does a better job of being a first paragraph or opening statement for your essay. You don't need to have a long essay, you just need to have an informative essay. So responding on point and just delivering the necessary information is what will always best work for all your application prompts. This essay will benefit from the editing out of the first paragraph as it immediately focuses the reader on your response and nothing else.
