"to develop a strong character" - Florida State Application Essa

Prompt: For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores"
have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University.
Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and
intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as
exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character,
custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied
in these concepts are reflected in your life.

"Vires, Artes, Mores" the guiding philosophy behind Florida State
University. At first glance, these words seemed as though they could
easily be reflected upon my life. But as I began to dig the depths of
their true meanings, I quickly realized that I had no idea what these
words truly represented to me.

Artes, or the beauty of intellectual pursuit of skill, craft, or an art. To
me music is my Artes. I don't necessarily refer to music as a skill,
even though it is, most definitely. I believe music to be more a
beauty than art, a way to express oneself even without saying a
single word. But I didn't always believe music to be this way as I
was raised in a family not very involved with music. For some reason,
however, I had this deep desire to learn more about it. Then at age
eleven, I decided that I wanted to buy a drum set and learn to play.
My parents thought I was crazy and it was just another childhood
phase. However, it wasn't. I did anything and everything I could to
earn enough money to get that drum set. I finally did and with
lessons and hours of practice I have become an accomplished drummer
and use it to explore music in ways I never imagined.

Some say, that everyone loses their innocence at some point in their life
in which one enters a world of responsibility, guilt and worries. My
parents divorced when I was five and my sister and I lived with our
parents for basically half the week. My childhood could be compared
with a terrifying roller coaster. Exhilarating excitements and
heartbreaking daily disappointments always kept me wondering what
would happened next. I often wondered where I was going to be and
sometimes I felt as though I was all alone in this enormous world of
confusion. But as I struggled through the world surrounding me, I
learned to trust my sister and to depend on myself to always remain
strong. This has helped me to develop into the confident,
independent, strong and trusting person I am today. Thus signifying
the Latin word Vires.

The Latin word Mores, refers
to character, custom, or tradition and is signified by my involvement
in baseball. Growing
up in Tallahassee, I always was an avid sports lover. I enjoyed
playing baseball, football, soccer or anything I could get my hands
on. My father played through college and my sister, uncles, cousins
all had a deep love for sports. I began playing baseball before I can
actually remember and it has played a major roll in my life. I was
always challenging myself, and pushing my skills to full potential. I
played until I got cut from the freshman and sophomore teams and was
truly disappointed. After some searching, I became an umpire and have
worked very hard to excel at my profession. I have worked to develop
a strong character and strive to adhere to the traditions of the
umpire profession that enables me to still be around the game I have
loved for so long.

Any recommendations and or revisions would be greatly appreciated!
thanks matt

Maybe you should add a sentence to the beginning of that first paragraph. Perhaps a sentence about the use of guiding principles... or a sentence about learning something about yourself. Never be afraid to go back anf add a strong opening sentence after the paragraph is written.

Hey, wait a minute... I thought you were going to tell how you discovered that you had not known what they meant to you. But... you never explain what you meant by that. Now that the essay is written, you can add a better thesis sentence... considering these experiences you describe, can you tell the most important insight you got from thinking of your life in terms of "Vires, Artes, Mores?"

Capture that most important insight in a sentence, and add it to the end of the intro paragraph. Then, write it again in different words somewhere in the conclusion. Let it be the central truth that a reader might "take away" from the experience of reading your essay. Use the first and last paragraph to present a lesson that can be learned from your life's manifestations of "Vires, Artes, and Mores."

Stop making general statements or statements that define words already explained in the prompt:

"Vires, Artes, Mores" the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. At first glance, these words seemed as though they could easily be reflected upon my life. But as I began to dig the depths of their true meanings, I quickly realized that I had no idea what these words truly represented to me.

Artes, or the beauty of intellectual pursuit of skill, craft, or an art.

The Latin word Mores, refers to character, custom, or tradition and is signified by my involvement in baseball

Your Artes paragraph is weak, as many of the statements are general and vague.

Your Vires paragraph is better. You might even make it the nucleus of a new essay that explores the material presented there in much greater detail.

Your Mores paragraph is solid, though less original in terms of focus than your Vires paragraph.

So, in general, more specificity would make your essay much stronger, whether you choose to focus on one thing or to revise all of your existing paragraphs and continue to include all of them.