"Evaluate a significant experience or achievement that has to you." Essay is as follows;
In October 2011, I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and moderate depression as a result of the anxiety. Born to a loving family with no mental health issues, and with a childhood free of bullying and ridicule, I often wonder how I came to be afflicted with illnesses such as these.
Anxiety was like a flame to me; it started out as nothing more than an ember, eating away at every conversation I had. I was simply your average teenager, worrying about fitting in and being accepted. No one wants to appear strange or dull. Slowly however, the blaze grew. My worry spread to the future, to conversations with my very friends and family, and suddenly I found myself missing school, hiding in my room, only conversing when necessary and embedding myself in my only true passion at the time; running. There came a period of time where going to the local trail for a jog was the only interaction with the outside world I had. My fears were irrational to the point where simply walking in front of another human being was nerve-wracking. Hearing the doctor's analysis changed something in me however, and I believe that moment will always stick with me; I remember telling myself, knowing, that I had hit my lowest point. It was only up from there.
More than a year and a half has passed, and my future is brighter than ever before. Nothing can stop me; I believe now in Franklin Roosevelt's claim that, "...the only thing we have to fear, is fear itself." I conquered my fear. I went from a mental, nervous breakdown, to applying to colleges for a major in secondary education. In May, after my 18th birthday, I will apply for my personal trainer certificate and enter into my first bodybuilding competition. Writing has always been a dream for me; I've now wrote numerous sonnets that I've recited to others, and hope to publish a novella while in college.
The sky is truly the limit. I believe without the struggles in life, we could never achieve or appreciate the beauty. My war with myself has taught me to never fear, to take any risk for a dream, to be confident and efficient with everything in life. I will publish a novel someday, stand on the podium at first place in a bodybuilding competition, work as a successful personal trainer, and perhaps the most important thing; I will stand in front of a classroom of children and teach, interact, inspire, and perhaps even make a fool of myself at times. And I will love every moment of it.
It's a beautifully written essay, I love the imagery and diction you used. There are just a couple things though that I'm slightly nit picky about.
1. Vary your vocabulary. If the previous phrase had the word, then try and use a different one.
2. Do not use "you" or "your".
3. Do not use contractions (so no I've, it's I have)
4. Watch your comma use. You are using the semi-colons which is very nice, but there are still some spots where the comma can be taken out.
