This is my essay. I am not sure what is wrong with it but it does not seen right. Please help me edit my essay.
Prompt:
For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.
My Essay:
Ever since I was a child I was exposed to many different environments and people. I had visited 4 continents and many different countries. I have had to adapt and open myself up to various situations. The more new environments I was exposed to the better I became at adapting. My life is best embodied by the concept of Artes. Artes is the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art. Artes is important to me because I believe that everyone is in pursuit of something. My pursuit is to fully understand how to engage individuals, ethnic groups, and global communities to participate in projects that benefits the majority.
I have displayed my strengths most often when I enroll in a new school. My biggest challenge in exercising this skill was when I went to St.Croix for a year of school. The circumstances were much different than any other year; I was away from family, I was in an entirely new environment, and I had my little sister to look after. By pushing my limits I feel like I understand more and thus welcome more new environments into my life. I welcome new environments so I can continue to push myself. After challenging myself ended up having a great time. My attitude was encouraging to my little sister and I learned to enjoy a different culture.
I went through a different situation later on in my life. I decided I wanted to become a People to People Ambassador and travel to Japan With a select group of high school students for a two-week period. By this time, I had visited 4 continents and had immersed my self in their cultures so I have almost no problem adjusting to a new culture or environment. While I was in Japan I felt like I connected with Japanese culture. I had a great time, and I still find it exiting to continuously expand my comfort zone.
The most important thing that I have learned from being in so many situations where I have wanted to connect with people is that there is no definite formula because everyone is different and I will be in ever changing situations. But by overcoming my anxiety about reaching out I can move forward and benefit the majority. What I am sure of is that this will be a life long journey and knowing how to get along with people will help the world become a better place.
Thank You
As it currently stands, this essay is a blend of excellent details and trite/vague phrases. What you want to do is keep all of the statements that are specific, elaborate with more specificity on some of the topics (such as "how to engage individuals, ethnic groups, and global communities to participate in projects that benefits the majority"), and get rid of empty or over-used phrases such as "had a great time" or "expand my comfort zone."
Your problem isn't that you have too many, its that they aren't really connected. We all know about specific philosophies. What you need to do is to come up with some way of judging whether the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. Otherwise, you aren't answering the question.
Ever since I was a child I was exposed to many different environments and people. I had visited 4 continents and many different countries. I have had to adapt and open myself up to various situations. The more new environments I was exposed to the better I became at adapting. My life is best embodied by the concept of Artes. Artes is the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art. Artes is important to me because I believe that everyone is in pursuit of something. My pursuit is to fully understand how to engage individuals, ethnic groups, and global communities to participate in projects that benefits the majority.
You use the verb "to be" an average of once per sentence. "To be" is the weakest verb there is, and your overreliance on it saps your essay of interest. Worse, your sentences all tend to employ the same structure, further dulling your writing. For a guide on how to eliminate weak verbs from your essay (and a more detailed explanation of why you should do so) read this article:
thank you very much for your response
