"Difficulty need not foreshadow despair or defeat. Rather achievement can be all the more satisfying because of obstacles surmounted." Quite a cliche prompt, but my favorite nonetheless. My essay is over the 300 word limit at the moment. I decided to answer the prompt by talking about how difficult it was to organize an MUN conference in my school, but that the results of the conference outweighed the obstacles I faced...Please critique ruthlessly!
A few years ago, my fascination with International Relations led me to join the Model United Nations Club. I wanted to use my cultural background to engage in this complex world of diplomacy and tact. However, after participating in two MUN conferences, first as a research assistant for delegates and the second time as the Deputy Secretary General, I felt that something was missing. I felt like the conventional MUN conferences prevented students from expressing their opinions freely.
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Your essay paints a good picture of you as a determined, hard-working person.
I feel the central focus should be what specifically made it difficult.
If you could narrow down to maybe a particular incident/ moment where it seemed hopeless or maybe you got told off by your teacher for not finishing homework because you were working on the conference. Elaboration on feelings would hit the readers.
In that light, my chemistry teacher and I - I don't think mentioning the chem teacher is required. If you can cut down on similar sentences and then elaborate on the feelings; awesome!
Finally, reflecting on the success you found. Maybe this gave you a new drive to excel at whatever you do or maybe this sparked a desire to organize more such events - including this would also enhance your essay.
PS: thanks for answering mine and all the best!
New Version of Essay!
"Can you handle dozens of students failing this term in the name of a summit?" my teacher asked. Many teachers were worried that students were lagging behind class because of the rigorous preparations for the Global Summit I was spearheading. They were right. The in-depth research and training was burdening for some students. Even I was knackered from spending the late hours of the night going over strategy papers, role profiles and team profiles. Juggling the preparations with my academics, university applications and my responsibilities as Head Girl was far from easy. But on the spur of the moment, I said:
"Sir, please trust me with this one. These students are pouring their all into making the summit a success. As for keeping up with class, I'll take responsibility for that. My friends and I are willing to tutor them." Adrenaline-induced Leiya was right. I couldn't give up on the summit now, not when so many people were involved. My mind was set. Even the teachers couldn't shake me.
A week after that incident, the summit began. For three days, the student shed their teenage persona and became political leaders and social activists. They passionately debated issues ranging from the Ebola outbreak to the insurgence of terrorism in Africa. The energy exchange of the summit was incredible. I came out feeling more energized and excited about international relations and politics than ever before. Through zealous hard-work, dedication and conscientiousness on the part of everyone involved, the summit was a great success.
At the end of the summit, the teacher who had consulted me approached me and said something I will never forget:"You are the future leaders of Africa. I am proud of that."
I think that the paragraph
"Sir, please trust me with this one. These students are pouring their all into making the summit a success. As for keeping up with class, I'll take responsibility for that. My friends and I are willing to tutor them." Adrenaline-induced Leiya was right. I couldn't give up on the summit now, not when so many people were involved. My mind was set. Even the teachers couldn't shake me.
is really unnecessary since you are diverting from the main topic. talk about how your culture and how it affects you or the problems at home and how you conquer them
Umm, my culture has nothing to do with the essay. So why should I even bring that in? This essay is supposed to be on a difficulty I faced (being confronted by my teacher that the summit is a hindrance to a student's education) and how I overcame it(by asserting it will be a success)...
