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'diligent mind and body' - Rutgers Personal Essay



Ahmad1015 1 / -  
Jun 19, 2012   #1
Prompt: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces.

My Essay:

As long as I can remember, academic success was a necessity in my household. From the very beginning of my educational voyage, attaining good grades flourished as a second nature. I was, and still am, one of a miniscule group of students that enjoy going to school in hopes of shaping a significant future. My days in high school are nearing an end, but my educational horizon does not cease to expand. Greater challenges linger as I enter the college domain. Anticipation subdues as I welcome these challenges with an open notebook and a racing mind.

I believe Rutgers University demands a high level of education, which in turn demands an even higher level of focus and determination. I am prepared to input 100% of every last bit of adroitness I have and engage in whatever is necessary in order to meet Rutgers University's expectations. Yes, it will most certainly be a difficult task, but I will never back down from a commitment that I truly believe in. Rutgers withholds a plethora of educationally advanced professors and courses, a sure environment for those that are inclined to learn what true education is all about.

Besides a knack for enlightenment, I also have a keen eye for culture. I can fluently speak English and Arabic, as well as comprehend Spanish and French. I am familiar with all four cultural practices, and take pleasure in participating in their respectful traditions. By eliminating any limitations, I allow myself to see the world around me, including the people in it, for its authenticity; a sea of infinite knowledge. Cultural expansion will take its place alongside academics on campus grounds, whether it is spread through my customs, or my absorption through peers.

I proudly exhibit a copious number of substantial qualities. These qualities include, but are not limited to: analytical skills, working well with others, problem solving, speaking in front of a crowd, and a devotion to writing. I am able to analyze and withdraw relevant facts from a heap of information and transform them into a viable solution for any situation. I divulge my thoughts and emotions to others in order to build a trustworthy relationship, where comfort is imminent. I will also work with anyone, even if I strongly dislike the person, to accomplish a goal or mission. If need be, I can think outside of the box, even out of my own comfort zone. Nothing will stand in the way of my determination to unveil a solution. Through experience and embarrassment, I have learned to stand up before a crowd and speak freely, without much hesitation. Some form of writing is required everywhere, regardless of the field at hand. Since writing is an important prerequisite, I have taken it to my liberty to familiarize myself with the art of literacy. Strengthened with such a repertoire, obstacles blocking my path could be surpassed with ease.

I can benefit from and contribute to an environment like Rutgers University. My past, present, and future consists of a diligent mind and body speeding after a lifestyle within reach. Rutgers will inevitably amplify my knowledge in aspects of brilliant academics and cultural enlightenment, through both the staff and student body. In regards to my skills, I would personally say that I have it all figured out, but that would only satisfy my thoughts for the moment. There is no doubt in my mind that what I recognize now is a mere fraction of what I am capable of if I were to attend Rutgers. The road ahead is dark and mysterious, and ever so daunting. This will not halt me, for I know the Rutgers community is right for me, it holds everything I need and more. My quest towards success is depicted as a flight of stairs. It begins when I take the first step.

EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Jun 19, 2012   #2
Your first sentence needs more of a punch, but your point is strong in this paper. Always make statements and not opinions, this makes the reader confident,if not convinced, that you are utterly correct. Take out the "I believe" and read the sentence back to yourself. You may find this to be a great tactic.

You can always improve the strength of your writing by taking out "I believe."
Look:
I believe Rutgers University demands a ...--Isn't it much stronger and more confident this way? "I believe" is a phrase to be avoided.

I proudly exhibit a copious number of substantial qualities. These qualities include, but are not limited to: This cliche and the verbose sentence that precedes it are not helpful. They can be replaced with a paragraph topic sentence that plants a powerful idea in the reader's mind. What is that key idea? How do these qualities add up to make you totally confident about attacking challenges and achieving your SPECIFIC goals?

:-)


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