disability center - Common APP extracurricular Paragraph

could i get some feedback? i feel that it's a bit cliche...THANKS!!!

At the disability center, I was assigned to an autistic boy. His eyes brimming with tears, he screamed. I couldn't decipher the words that left his quivering lips but I knew he blamed me for separating him from his mother. His fragile hand in mine, I pulled out glittery stickers which lit his eyes with curiosity. Eventually, I cajoled him to join the class whether it was Arts & Crafts, Dance or Mannerisms. Soon, he looked forward to seeing me as much as he looked forward to seeing his mother afterwards. That year was devoted to Bobo; the following year to Raymond, an adult who continuously talked about politics and current events. Today, I am a Team Leader who keeps 8 students and 5 volunteers under my wing. "Befriend her," I say because although they may be illiterate, unresponsive, or self abusive, they aren't impervious to feelings. After all, they are one of us. Under the shield from society's judgmental eyes, we forget that we are in any way different: in age, race or mentality.

Winnie -
I'm going to be harsh to be helpful - this is over the top sentimental; more than a bit of a cliche. Try to ignore the sentimentality associated with autistic children and focus on what the experience taught you about how each person's limitations are only that - that everyone contributes, in his or her own way, to a community. How did Bobo and Raymond add to their environments? How did it inspire you?

If you want additional help, you can email me at lynda@essayexcellence.net

lynda spiegel

Thank you Lynda!

I will definitely message you when I rewrite it! Thank you so much!

Winnie