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Discipline; At the time, I was unaware of my father's drug and alcohol addiction - UC Prompt #2


LitleG 2 / 6 2  
Nov 9, 2014   #1
Please be harsh!! I would like to know if you feel like I answered the question and did not get off topic. Any advice is also appreciated. Thanks in advance!!

Question:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?


At the time, I was unaware of my father's drug and alcohol addiction, but I now know that it was the culprit that led to his paranoia and violent behavior. In his desperate attempt to protect my sisters and I, he decided to remove anything that would allow us to have access to the outside world. He not only disposed of our television, computer, and telephone but he also took us out of school so that he could home school us, thus allowing him to have complete supervision.

[...]

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 9, 2014   #2
Genesis, the essay actually answers the prompt. The problem is that you have it set up in a reverse discussion. Here is what I think you should do to make the essay work for you in the format that you need. Bring up the statement where you say that you learned about the importance of discipline. After you bring up those related paragraphs, we can explain the back story as your father's addiction causing this discovery on your part. That will make the essay look like it is all about you and what you learned and why you are proud of this accomplishment. Currently, the essay spends too much time dwelling on your father and his addiction and how he used it to control you. By reversing the format, the essay becomes more about you than him. Can you do the essay in the way that I explained it to you and post it here? That way we can see how the essay looks and feels and we can help you adjust it to suit the essay some more :-)
vincenm 11 / 26  
Nov 9, 2014   #3
I like your story. No TMI to put off the reader.

"the harshest teacher I had "- Get rid of it as it made me think "did you end up somewhat like your Dad?" Use some other adjective -'most critical' for example.

There are some spelling mistakes as well but I assume you wilt find those when you are going to proof read this draft.
OP LitleG 2 / 6 2  
Nov 9, 2014   #4
Thank you for the advice!! I changed it up a little like you suggested. Let me know what you think. Thank again!!
[...]
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 9, 2014   #5
Genesis, the essay is much better now. However, we are still posed with problems regarding your second and third paragraphs. We need to connect each paragraph with your thesis which is the life experiences you had taught you all about the importance of self-discipline. We need to highlight that aspect in every paragraph by offering a self - discipline learning experience on your part. Do you think you can come up with something along those lines to help the essay along? The rest of the essay actually works fine. Don't worry about the word count if there is one, we can work on bringing that down later on. Right now, I would like to concentrate on helping you create a seamless connection between your life experiences and the development of your self-discipline as an important aspect of your personality :-)
OP LitleG 2 / 6 2  
Nov 14, 2014   #6
I have fixed it up a little more. Let me know what you think. I feel as though it's a little too long, like if it drags on a little?

Self-discipline is the most important attribute one needs to acquire in order to achieve personal excellence whether it be in the arts, athletics, or academia. It is a unique quality that allows its possessor to become limitless, allowing them to achieve anything they set their mind to, no matter the trials and tribulations that may come their way. Discipline has shown me that I am capable of learning and understanding complex concepts on my own, sparking a new found interest in higher education. I have come to learn that obtaining a higher education is the key that will not only allow me to expand my academic horizons, but will also unlock a world in which I could live freely and fearlessly.

Growing up, I was unaware of my father's drug and alcohol addiction, but I now know that it was the culprit that led to his paranoia and violent behavior. In his desperate attempt to protect my sisters and I, he removed anything that connected us to the outside world. He not only disposed of our television, computer, and telephone but he also took us out of school so that he could homeschool us, thus allowing him to have complete control. Little did he know, he would become the danger that he was so desperately trying to protect us from. Although I would never want to relive the horrifying moments in which my father's violent outbursts grew out of proportion, I would never change the terrifying experiences, for it was through these experiences that I found my true potential.

Both of my parents, having only graduated from high school, and knowing little English, were not academically equipped to teach my sisters and I, leaving the responsibility of learning solely on us. Overwhelmed with the madness that surrounded me, and feeling desperate for an escape, I engaged myself in books. It was in them that I was able to escape the chaos and pain that surrounded me. I began to arduously push myself to learn with the scarce materials I was provided and I soon became the most critical teacher I had ever had. Books not only provided me with an outlet, but the discipline that I gained allowing me to learn on my own was empowering. Discipline has proven to be a vital quality that has and will continue to allow me to excel academically.

As I embark on this new academic journey of transferring to a university, I know I will be faced with new academic struggles and challenges. However, I also know that I will be able to surmount them as I have overcome other challenges. Having gained discipline has shaped me into a woman willing to persevere at all costs. I am committed to sticking to my goal of obtaining a higher education, and will not allow anything to alter the path I have chosen. It is this quality that I am most proud of, and I know that discipline will be a critical component to my success in my future academic and career endeavors.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 17, 2014   #7
Sorry about taking so long to get back to you. Let me help you whittle this down some more so that it does not seem dragging :-)

Self-discipline is the most important attribute one needs to [...] that may come their way. Discipline has shown me that I am capable of learning and understanding complex concepts on my own, sparking a new found interest in higher education.

- But cutting out the word fillers at the start, you immediately hook your reader into your essay because you present your answer at the very start.

Growing up, I was unaware of my father's drug [...] these experiences that I found my true potential.

- Can revise this paragraph to mention something about how you learned about self-discipline through watching your father fight his demons? His demons being the alcohol that made him act irrationally and torment you. The paragraph in its current form just does not relate to your point of view about self-discipline.

Both of my parents, having only graduated from [...] continue to allow me to excel academically.

- This paragraph says a lot without really having any meaning. What we need to learn from you in this paragraph is how your engagement with books helped you learn self-discipline. My advice is drop the reference to books and instead talk about the school projects and book reports that had deadlines, thus teaching you the value of time management in relation to self-discipline.

The last paragraph works well for now. If you can apply the changes I am suggesting to the other paragraphs, we might end up editing the concluding paragraph a bit to better suit the new content :-)


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