'disconnected world dominated by technology' - freshman application personal statements 1 of 2

Essay prompt: Consider something in your life you think goes unnoticed and write about why it's important to you. The essay should be about 300 to 500 words in length

This is one of my first drafts with a little help from my sister, little edits and suggestions.

We live in an increasingly disconnected world dominated by technology, and as a result I believe that our social interactions are stunted and our personal stories go unnoticed everyday. Whether they are people we see in day-to-day meetings or people we have never met, we rarely take the time to learn about each individual's personal story, and therefore are oblivious to what makes up their background. Sharing our stories may be a test of trust, and it may take a special effort to understand someone on a more personal level, but it is important to share and create a stronger community where different backgrounds and lives unlike our own are appreciated and recognized.

I find this important because listening to the stories of others allows us to learn about how diverse our world is, and forces us to consider the many differences there are between individuals. At my high school there are students of various backgrounds, and a number of my friends are Oromo, a people and culture that resides in Ethiopia. Their families originally fled their region due to violence that was occurring against their people. Some of my Oromo friends came directly to the United States. One of them was living in London until they moved to (I don't want to disclose where I live) only a couple years before entering high school. I would have never learned about the Oromo people or realized how underrepresented they are if I had never met them. Hearing their stories made me more culturally aware and sensitive to the fact that there are many groups of people and cultures that I do not know about, and perhaps may never learn about. While I realize and try not to take for granted the proximity of these stories, I can only hope that others will notice too and engage in learning more about one another.

Seth, this is a very well developed essay. The discussion you present is quite timely given the fact that social media has taken over our daily lives and has become the preferred mode of interaction. I would have liked to see you develop a particular aspect though. Are you concerned about the death of formal interaction or the demise of story telling? Please be very clear and point out which of the two you are concerned with in the essay. I believe that by the second paragraph, you have made it clear that story telling is the part you consider important, but it would be best if you presented that as clear as possible at the start of the essay for clarity sake :-)

thank you for the feedback, I will make sure to make it clear that I am talking about story telling more so than formal interactions in my first paragraph.