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"the Discover Florence" - SU: why i chose to apply to SU essay + other su essays


prince_johri 3 / 14  
Dec 30, 2010   #1
Please give me some useful feedback!!! i will return the favor!

Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University?

Choosing the right college was a difficult task for me as I wanted to find a college that helped individuals experience beyond the classroom setting. My heart was set on SU the moment I learned about the Discover Florence program through a friend of mine currently attending SU. After hearing countless praises on this school, I researched the school more and more each day and discovered that this school is a perfect match for me. With its diverse setting, I will be able to experience my other interests as well. With its excellent education, Syracuse will provide me with a chance to join soroities, sports club, as well as volunteering organizations such as the "Say Yes to Education", giving me a chance to succeed in and out of the classroom. Coming from a family of software engineers, I hope to study challenging courses and work harder than ever before to pursue my interests. I am confident that the extraordinary programs offered at the orange campus will prepare me to become a remarkable individual for the future.

Who is the person you dream of becoming and how do you believe Syracuse University can help you achieve this?

The person I dream of becoming has always been my uncle. My uncle has inspired me to focus single mindedly, set goals in life, and strive to accomplish them with all grit and determination to achieve dreams and success in life. Born in a small village of India, my uncle was raised among seven siblings. He did not have the benefits back then like I do today. But he still managed to accomplish his dreams by studying engineering at IIT and by establishing his own company. My uncle has never been afraid of hard work as he has managed to establish a company which provides employment to talented engineer's along with technical and non technical professionals. He has inspired everyone not to lean on him but to develop their own individuality. Along with professional achievements, working diligently, and exploring new avenues is what he has influenced me the most with. He inspires me to draw the best from within me as a student, and an individual. Just like IIT helped him reach his goals, I believe SU will help me reach mine. With their exceptional programs and a university that promotes interactive learning and development, I hope to truly discover myself in and out of classroom at such a diverse and prestigious school. I believe with my uncle's influence, the orange campus as well will make me an exceptional individual in the real world.

If you have had work experience, what skills and/or knowledge did you gain?

I have never had any work experience, only unpaid volunteering experiences. My most meaningful experience of all was when I volunteered at an orphanage. It was a physical and a mental challenge. During a visit to India a few years ago, my grandmother asked me to volunteer with her at an orphanage for a week. The tasks were simple: reading to the children, organizing, and spending time with children. Among the orphanage children were also the deaf. However, communicating with the deaf was a difficult task. Because of it, my grandmother, whose job was to teach the deaf how to read, taught me sign language just so I could communicate with them. Contributing my time at the orphanage remunerated with a useful skill of sign language which I will definitely cherish forever.

Our mission of Scholarship in Action, education for the world in the world, extends beyond the classroom to include engagement opportunities with our campus community, the City of Syracuse, and locations across the globe. Based on your interests, tell us what real-world experiences you might pursue during your education at Syracuse as part of this mission.

I held back my tears as I watched a four year beg for food and water. Living in India, this sight plagued the providences. Witnessing these children, I dreamed of providing them basic life necessities. I don't believe that a student's dream should be deferred due to lack of a basic necessity. Because my family constantly relocated, I never could fulfill these aspirations, as my own life was deferred. As a student at Syracuse, I plan to purse my goal of helping others through the "Say Yes to Education" and "Syracuse Center of Excellence in Environmental and Energy Systems", among other programs I have yet to fall in love with. This involvement will allow me to refine living as well as human health conditions in hapless providences around the world. Attending Syracuse University will help me accomplish my mission of improvement and equal opportunities for families around the globe. I hope to realize these deferred dreams, of both them and myself.

brittw 1 / 21  
Dec 30, 2010   #2
Ok, I would suggest changing this sentence: The person I dream of becoming has always been my uncle. Maybe say, "I dream of becoming like my uncle..." or something
brittw 1 / 21  
Dec 30, 2010   #3
I liked them, I would just fix the things I marked and if you repost them i'll read them again
livedreamfly3 3 / 30  
Dec 31, 2010   #4
the content of all your essays are very good.
you may have heard this already but you're doing A LOT of telling and not showing.

I held back my tears as I watched a four year old beg for food and water.

^this sentence is perfect.
showing is really effective in college app essays because it shows the reader how you react to certain things. plus, it helps to understand who you are. "get into your mind" if you will.

I think if you could just expand on your ideas rather than moving to the next swiftly.
your essays will be great!

**thanks for editing my essay! i really appreciate it! :D
good luck with SU!


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