hey guys i just wrote this essay and i would like some feedback on it. he ending was pretty abrupt..b/c i didn't know how to end it and it was pretty wordy as well. I know i need major work cos the essay is 570 words..but i dont know what to delete. pls correct my grammar and give me some feedback. i would love it if you guys did so c;,
The wind blew in my face as the door slowly creaked and finally, I saw them. A girl walks in front of me, bringing her hand in front of her. Hesitantly, I bring my hand up and shake it.
"Hello. My name is Emma."
My mind flashes back to a few days ago before this happened.
"(Name!)(Name!)(Name!) Come here! Your distant cousins are coming to Brooklyn to have a dinner party for the welcoming of their new child. They have invited us to come. We have to go shopping soon! Oh, aren't you guys excited?"
My mind remained blank as I stared at my mother.
Distant cousins? I have never heard of them and it was just remarkable how happy my mother was after receiving this news. Ever since I turned 13 and was prime, I would continuously ask for clothes and only come back with her turning me down and saying, "dear, you have enough clothes." The thought of her buying me new clothes for this one day striked me hard. This one phone call had the ability of changing her mind in a split second and changing her.
"hello? Michelle? Are you there?"
I grasp back to reality and see the girl in front of me, waving her hand in front of me to make sure I was still there. Her other sister is next to her and her parents are behind her. I looked at them and knew right at that instant that they were different. Their skin was so white, so clear. There eyes were dark brown. They had small freckles on their noses and their clothing was extravagant. They wore rich red velvet clothing that looked like they cost a few hundred. The girl was just as tall as me but I felt like a peasant next to them. Me, in my dress from old navy and them with their dress from (rich store).
"Hi. I'm Michelle"
We walk inside the restaurant and sit at a table. I gathered my confidence to look at the place. The dim lights radiated each table. Red cloth was wrapped gently around the chair showing its divine shape. The floor screamed velvet red and looked so nice I felt like I could sleep on it.
Emma sat next to me and starting introducing herself to me. It was here that I had realized that my grandfather's sister had a daughter who married a white man. It was remarkable to know this. We both lived in new York but it felt as if we lived on two different islands. We had never met for the first thirteen years of our life. I never felt anything that was so close but felt so far away.
Instantly, we started chatting and talking about our daily lives. From this, I realized that they were abnormally rich. They had all they wanted, a big house with swings in the front and a pool. It screamed to me and made me realize that we really were on the opposite ends of the world. That it was only now that we had crossed paths and even still, I felt faint hearing her tell me all this luxury.
That night, I learned about my distant cousins and I realized that in my small little apartment, filled with wooden flooring, walls with small little cracks here and there, lights so dim that even during the day, it was pretty dark, a new person had entered it, and that was my cousin.
bump. anyone pls..?i rly do need the help..:( esp on grammar
It is great , creative essay , but a little bit wordy.
Grammar part seems to be ok to me .
I agree with the former one. It is a little bit wordy, but the grammar is fine.
I don't know what prompt this is supposed to be answering...
In his novel, Let the Great World Spin, Colum McCann writes:
"We seldom know what we're hearing when we hear something for the first time, but one thing is certain: we hear it as we will never hear it again. We return to the moment to experience it, I suppose, but we can never really find it, only its memory, the faintest imprint of what it really was, what it meant."
Tell us about something you heard or experienced for the first time and how the years since have affected your perception of that moment.
Is it this?
I would take out all the words in red and just go into describing your cousins, then talk about how their being different affected you or how you and your cousins saw past your differences.
thankss! i'll edit it soon and then post the revised essay! thanks everyone!
the prompt it's answering is common app's significant experience essay
