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Diverse family/ Business Mgmt/Soccer; Adelphi U-Background/Experience/Interests


boaiteyj 2 / -  
Feb 2, 2008   #1
Would be grateful if you could cast an eye over my adelphi admission essay, need to cut a few words but I think im getting there!

Thanks,

Julian

Describe your background, practical experience, special interests and reasons for wanting to attend Adelphi University. Include plans for work after completing studies.

When thinking about how to describe my goals and targets for life beyond college, I felt it was important to delve into my experiences from the past, as I feel these shape not only your wants for the future, but ultimately your dreams and aspirations. A buzzword in my life and virtually throughout my family is diversity, with relatives from all across the globe. Being born in London, and raised on the outskirts, the theme of diversity has always been close to my heart. My father was born in Liverpool, to parents hailing from Accra, Ghana and Berlin, Germany. My mother was born in Accra, Ghana and lived a childhood I envy, taking in the experiences and cultures of places like Rome and Jerusalem as her family moved homes, before settling back in Ghana. After completing her education my mother headed to London in search of more prosperous opportunities and this was where she eventually met my father.

Therefore, when thinking about what I would like from a university in the United States, it is no surprise that a diverse student population is an area of interest. With 28% students of colour and 4% international students hailing from over 62 different countries, Adelphi quite comfortably meets this criterion.

I'm glad that I do not know specifically what I would like to do later on in life. I am certain that it will be a job in the business world; however what that role will entail I am not entirely sure of. At Adelphi I will be presented with the chance to take the Business Management program, which will give me the opportunity to choose from a range of different specializations and the chance to learn from experienced faculty members who share in the passion of business. Being taught in small classes and being presented with hands-on learning should stand me in good stead for when I enter the 'big wide world' and come to making a career choice. By learning from faculty members such as Professor Allan S Ashley, who impressed me with vast range his experience working in industry, consulting services and professional activities as well as being recognized with various awards and honours. Quite simply I believe that I believe that the strength of teach and wide range of specializations would enable me to decide on an eventual area of business to focus in on.

Following in my father's footsteps I have always had a strong passion for soccer. Whether it is playing or watching, I simply love the sport! Therefore, when considering which institutions were right for me, I was naturally researching if men's soccer was a part of the athletics department. Throughout high school and sixth form I have played on the soccer team, winning an array of trophies and awards along the way, and what better to take back to my family in London than a winner's medal or a trophy? At Adelphi, I believe this is a possibility, and combined with the new stadium completion in May 2008; there look to be exciting times ahead, which I would be honoured to be a part of.
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Feb 3, 2008   #2
Greetings!

You've written an excellent essay! I have just a few editing suggestions for you:

as I feel these shape not only your wants for the future, but ultimately your dreams and aspirations. - I'd avoid lapsing into second person here. You could say "as I feel these shape not only wants for the future, but ultimately, dreams and aspirations."

By learning from faculty members such as Professor Allan S Ashley, who impressed me with vast range his experience working in industry, consulting services and professional activities as well as being recognized with various awards and honours. - This is a sentence fragment ("By learning from faculty members..." what?). It also sounds as if it may have gotten chopped up in editing a bit, as does the next one:

Quite simply [delete I believe that] I believe that the strength of teaching and wide range of specializations would enable me to decide on an eventual area of business to focus in on.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com


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