I have this essay I drafted for D.A.P and I need help with critique so that it can get better please!
Topic: How do you plan to contribute to a diverse campus community?
P.S. I went a little over my word limit and I'm trying to narrow that down a bit ( Limit: 500 words)
It's nine o' clock on a bright summer day and I'm walking to M.S. 115 to start my first volunteering experience with children teaching double Dutch. As I draw closer to the school, I become increasingly anxious. It's my first time engaging in a leadership position with kids and I find it frightening: the cliché phrase ''kids can be cruel'' runs rampant through my thoughts. I kept thinking "Please be nice and don't do anything mean. '' I want to make a good impression but my feelings are making me succumb to my skepticism. I'm only a few inches away from the school playground and I already see them playing and waiting for my coach and I to get started. I walked as fast as I can to slip past their view to check in with my coach, Ms. Payne. We sat down and talked before we got started and I confessed my feelings on the situation. She laughed and this made me feel even worse, as though my frustration was a silly matter. She then told me that "Emir, you'll be alright you won't have anything to worry about just be confident, so let's get started now because we have only an hour.'' I felt better but the sounds of the kids running towards us made me feel otherwise. All I could do was just smile and pray that nothing bad goes wrong between us.
Ms. Payne and I introduced ourselves to enormous group of children and immediately began to start the activity. They all looked at us said with a smile "Hi Emir and Ms. Payne!" They made me feel warm and welcomed; I now have nothing to fear. We started to open up the ropes and turn. Ms. Payne shouted "First we are going to teach you how to get in the rope and how to do tricks.'' They all were so happy jump right on in regardless of whether they messed up or not. I encouraged them as much as possible and they all tried their best to succeed while having fun. While helping them, I started to think back on the phrase "Kids can be cruel. " It seemed to be nothing more than an exaggerated claim. I observed them and saw that they all were enjoying each other's company and happy to be here. It made me notice that they were all different in race and personality. They didn't care to the detail of each other's profile but just played and talked with one another. I felt as though in teenagers and adults it's quite different; we lean towards prejudice to serve as a reason to indicate how we select people we become friendly or associate with, but for these kids it's different. I felt as though this was a unique quality to have in particular environments, especially a diverse campus community. It made me reflect on how I determine who I want to concern myself with. No longer will I use prejudice to regulate that. In a diverse campus community, I plan to contribute by implementing this unique quality I've gained to demonstrate that I am different than most teens and adults and also to develop the importance of certain characteristics that are needed to create a successful diverse campus environment without ignorance.
Topic: How do you plan to contribute to a diverse campus community?
P.S. I went a little over my word limit and I'm trying to narrow that down a bit ( Limit: 500 words)
It's nine o' clock on a bright summer day and I'm walking to M.S. 115 to start my first volunteering experience with children teaching double Dutch. As I draw closer to the school, I become increasingly anxious. It's my first time engaging in a leadership position with kids and I find it frightening: the cliché phrase ''kids can be cruel'' runs rampant through my thoughts. I kept thinking "Please be nice and don't do anything mean. '' I want to make a good impression but my feelings are making me succumb to my skepticism. I'm only a few inches away from the school playground and I already see them playing and waiting for my coach and I to get started. I walked as fast as I can to slip past their view to check in with my coach, Ms. Payne. We sat down and talked before we got started and I confessed my feelings on the situation. She laughed and this made me feel even worse, as though my frustration was a silly matter. She then told me that "Emir, you'll be alright you won't have anything to worry about just be confident, so let's get started now because we have only an hour.'' I felt better but the sounds of the kids running towards us made me feel otherwise. All I could do was just smile and pray that nothing bad goes wrong between us.
Ms. Payne and I introduced ourselves to enormous group of children and immediately began to start the activity. They all looked at us said with a smile "Hi Emir and Ms. Payne!" They made me feel warm and welcomed; I now have nothing to fear. We started to open up the ropes and turn. Ms. Payne shouted "First we are going to teach you how to get in the rope and how to do tricks.'' They all were so happy jump right on in regardless of whether they messed up or not. I encouraged them as much as possible and they all tried their best to succeed while having fun. While helping them, I started to think back on the phrase "Kids can be cruel. " It seemed to be nothing more than an exaggerated claim. I observed them and saw that they all were enjoying each other's company and happy to be here. It made me notice that they were all different in race and personality. They didn't care to the detail of each other's profile but just played and talked with one another. I felt as though in teenagers and adults it's quite different; we lean towards prejudice to serve as a reason to indicate how we select people we become friendly or associate with, but for these kids it's different. I felt as though this was a unique quality to have in particular environments, especially a diverse campus community. It made me reflect on how I determine who I want to concern myself with. No longer will I use prejudice to regulate that. In a diverse campus community, I plan to contribute by implementing this unique quality I've gained to demonstrate that I am different than most teens and adults and also to develop the importance of certain characteristics that are needed to create a successful diverse campus environment without ignorance.