University if Illinois essay topic:
In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.
This is a rough draft of my essay. Please let me know of anything I can do to make my essay better.
Thank you.
I am also looking for another way to end the essay. I am not liking what I have.
During my freshman year in high school, there was much talk about the YMCA, which I was not a part of. I wondered what the YMCA was all about. I figured it could not be that great. Before I entered my sophomore year of high school I decided to go check it out. As expected, almost all of the kids who talked about the YMCA were their, looking as if they were enjoying their time. I asked the lady at the front desk what the YMCA offers and how I could be a part of the program. She explained all the information to me and mentioned of the YMCA Achievers program which most of the students participate in. She stated that the program's mission is to: empower minority youth to make and achieve positive goals in their education and personal lives, and that they encourage growth in personal development, college preparation, community service and leadership, cultural enrichment, and recreation. I then learned that this program would be of no charge to me. With such great attributes that the YMCA Achievers program had to offer, their was no way I could turn it down. That same day, I signed up. Since then I have been actively involved in the program and have learned many valuable assets in the process. They have informed me about college and the many different career choices, which helped in making my decision to become an Architect. Currently the program is assisting me with getting into college by teaching me the proper steps I should take to get accepted into a great school like UIUC. I will continue to be a part of the YMCA Achievers and I hope to one day repay them for all the effort they have put into making me a successful individual.
During my freshman year in high school, there was much talk about the YMCA, which I was not a part of. --the next sentence makes this clear, so this detail is superfluous.
I wondered what the YMCA was all about. I figured it could not be that great.----hahha, that is funny...
...about the YMCA were their there, looking as if they were enjoying their time.
... learned many valuable assets in the process.---I don't think you can learn an asset.
This essay is pretty good. I see that you asked about how to end it. You should end it by sharing an idea with the reader. What is the important idea you can share? It will become the most meaningful theme of the essay. Think about what you want to leave the reader thinking of when she finishes reading. Maybe something related to your careers of interest? What careers do you have in mind, and what do they have to do with the ymca?
Good luck! :-)
