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"What are you doing? Go away!" Personal statement- Relationship with brother

lilly1218 5 / 16 3  
Jul 18, 2013   #1
Please be honest!

any title suggestions?

I feel that this needs to be broader in scope but i have not come up with how yet..

Here it is:

"You have violated once again rule number 7: Thou shalt not steal." I declared with great authority, covering the monitor screen, which had already succeeded in luring my brother into the dazzling world of StarCraft.

"What are you doing? Go away!" screamed my older brother Chris in his exasperated voice while slurping on the strawberry ice cream bar that was supposed to be mine. I continued in my high-pitched voice, "I'm not done yet! Rule number 9: Thou shalt not fall into the temptations of StarCraft."

My brother hesitantly moved away from the computer, eyeing me as if I was the most annoying person in the world. I had succeeded to control my brother, as always.

As time passed, my set of commandments evolved. Still, I believed, perhaps a little too much, in the idealistic world where no one went against my rules. It started with the strawberry ice cream. Then that turned into report cards. By the time I entered middle school and Chris, high school, I detected that my brother was delving into greater troubles. So my investigations began. Many nights, I watched the clock tick after Chris's curfew. Once he entered the front door, it was required that he pass the backpack check and other assessments. Many nights I waited, searching for evidence. Finally, I found it.

It is 10:30 on a summer night. I am sitting at home watching TV with my parents. Chris is late. Yes, tonight's the night. 12:00. Where is he? I start to sense the concern shared in the silence between me and my parents. 3:00. At last, Chris stands at the front door with his head down and reeking of alcohol. A huge ruckus follows. So many things are happening all at once: lots of yelling and hitting coming from my parents. A part of me wants to walk away, but some part of me acts. Something about my brother's attitude is different this time. He is kneeling on the ground and letting the teardrops fall instead of fighting back like usual. I'm surprised to see tears blinding my own eyes, too. I run up to my brother and hug him to protect him. I stretch my arms to cover a body twice my size. I can feel my brother trembling; I stay attached to him like that, until he falls asleep.

That night, a permanent bond was established between us. I realized that I had been to blame for our bad relationship; I was too busy trying to control Chris, when I should have been listening. Although Chris and I never discussed that night again, we did start to communicate more. I stopped imposing my rules on him and started asking about his day, what he ate, or what movies he watched. In response, he told me stories; he proved to be extremely talented at making me smile and sometimes, laugh uncontrollably. Gradually, the late nights for Chris began to cease.

I always believed I was better than my brother but I've learned to see with a fresh set of eyes. When I entered high school myself, I joined Operation Snowball where hundreds of people gather to promote making safe choices about drugs and alcohol. Through it, I met many people who reminded me of my brother, and I was able to approach them with openness. Every year when I stand in front of these people, I introduce myself, saying "Hi, I'm Lilly and I'm always willing to listen."
jkjeremy - / 380 72  
Jul 18, 2013   #2
I feel that this needs to be broader in scope

This is almost never the case. If anything, about 90% (probably more) of all essays need to be made less "broad in scope." Be careful.

What is the prompt for this essay?

Didgeridoo asks a good question. No one can really help you with this unless we know the writing task.
WizFan2 5 / 20 1  
Jul 18, 2013   #3
If this is one of the "pick your own" topics, then I think you're good to go because it shows how you grew as a person
OP lilly1218 5 / 16 3  
Jul 19, 2013   #4
I think i will choose the "choose your own topic" option for this essay!
Thank you! That helps:)
Is there anything that is unclear?
Is this good enough for a student who is wanting to get into the top 20 schools?
BachChaconne2 1 / 95 19  
Jul 19, 2013   #5
I like your essay a lot. It flows nicely from beginning to end.

But do you need to make it broader? I don't think so.
BachChaconne2 1 / 95 19  
Dec 31, 2013   #6
Your essay touched me. It's excellent.

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