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My dominating friend; FORDHAM UNIVERSITY



Miranda123 1 / 1  
Oct 9, 2013   #1
Hey, so I'm applying to Fordham, and they have you write a 200-500 word essay, and l chose the "Significant Experience" one.

Any additional comments? Thanks!

1. Describe a significant life experience and how it has shaped the person you are today.

The Photo

As I look down at the picture, I see a naïve little girl, embracing her dominant best friend. The two girls mockingly stare back at me, their smiles portraying the innocence within them. I can feel the atmosphere around me changing, as I close the album and bury it underneath countless textbooks and journals. Not being able to erase the image from my mind, I continue to recall the two girls in that photo, and how they cease to exist.

Eight years ago, the words "I can't wait to grow up and not have anyone to boss me around anymore" was often repeated. Being the immature child I was, I use to think that once l got older, things would only get easier. "No one gets hurt in the real world" were my words of reassurance. To my dismay, l came to terms with the truth, and realized that my bias view on society and reality, was ultimately formed by my empathetic parents. Being the only child of the family, caused my parents to protect me from what they believed was a 'harsh' reality. I had become oblivious to the barrier that was built between me and the outside world, leaving me distraught and confused upon the day of realization - the day I met my first best friend.

Appearance and personality wise, we were complete opposites. She was the type of person who could get along with just about anyone, while I was the type to just sit around and stick my nose in a book, content with just that. The day she climbed over the metal railing onto my balcony, not only came to me as a shock, but as something significant beyond that. This girl, who I never met before, somehow managed to break the barrier l built between myself and the world. At first, untainted by social structures and society, she and l became friends. However, as we grew older, complications began to arise. The young, innocent friendship began to fade away, as we took deeper steps out into the real world. Her once kind, compassionate attitude took a turn for the worse. She convinced me that l was nothing more than an inferior human being, taunting at my appearance and social behavior. This came to me as a setback, and for many years, I let my naïve self believe in her words.

However, as l look back at my experience with her, I can't help but let out a smile.
She opened my eyes to something l was so oblivious to. As a child, l was so eager to want to grow up and become independent. Yet, as l grew older both physically and mentally, l realized that even after my experience with her; life went on. The world contains various obstacles, but that's the way of life. Failure, is sometimes an option, and with failure, comes experience. The experience I have had with her, shaped me to become a stronger person today.

(it's actually 499 words, lol...)

ChristianB 5 / 22  
Oct 10, 2013   #2
I see a naïve little girl, embracing her dominant best friend. Omit the comma after girl
changing, as I close the album and bury it Omit comma after changing
have anyone to boss me around anymore" were
and reality, was ultimately Omit comma
content with just that Omit this phrase
Failure, is sometimes Omit comma
failure, comes Omit comma
with her, shaped Omit comma
You have WAY too many commas in unnecessary places.

Overall, I like your idea. I think your last paragraph is the one you need to work on most. This should be a very strong paragraph which draws together how your experience actually changed you.
ChristianB 5 / 22  
Oct 13, 2013   #4
No problem! Good luck :)
ChristianB 5 / 22  
Oct 13, 2013   #5
Can you look at my essay? "T Minus 2 Hours: UNC Supplement"
I'm submitting it soon!
dumi 1 / 6793  
Oct 15, 2013   #6
As I look down at the picture, I see a naïve little girl, embracing her dominant best friend.

As I set my eyes on my favorite photo, I find a naive little girl embracing her dominant best friend. ... well, this is one word extra to what you wrote making up your word count to 500....lol

Eight years ago, the words "I can't wait to grow up and not have anyone to boss me around anymore" was often repeated.

Eight years ago I often dreamed of growing up fast to escape from having anyone bossing me around.
rp2013 2 / 5  
Oct 16, 2013   #7
"I may have been a child back then, and l can't consider myself a true adult just yet, but l can say for the very least, that the day l decided to forgive her, was the day l grew up."

This sentence sounds a little awkward. Possibly try rephrasing it?
Although I was still a child back then, I still can not consider myself a true adult. However, the day I forgave her was the day I grew up.

But overall your essay starts out very interesting and compelling. The descriptions of your childhood experiences has a nice style to it.


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