Hello guys. I would like any feed back on grammar, mechanics, flow of the words, my focus on the prompt, stuff like that. Any feedback is welcome (only my first draft by the way).
PROMPT: What is your intended major? Discuss how you your first interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field-such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities- and what you have gained from your involvement.
I absolutely dreaded ...
You have a great vocab, which is perfect for a college essay. Just a few grammar mistakes along the way. I also really like the end. :) Corrections are in red.
I absolutely dreaded walking into that class; it felt like I was walking into a prison, never again to see the light of day. These were the emotions racing through my mind when I walked into the first (deleted "class) meeting of my Biology Honors class of my sophomore year (deleted "of high school" ). One of my older friends had taken the class in the past, and all he said was, "You better not hope for an easy 'A' , because you'll be hoping for just a passing grade by the time you get your first test back." One could only imagine how I felt walking into that classroom. Mr. Orlando, the instructor, was the most intimidating teacher I had seen in my entire life; he had the physique of a bodybuilder, and I heard rumors that he had worked as a sniper for SWAT. I took a seat in the back of the room, and waited for class to begin. He went over the syllabus and the logistics of the class, putting an emphasis on the fact that we were honor students and therefore held to a higher standard. By the second week, the class was in full gear.
However, to my astonishment, once he actually began teaching my fears and worries immediately vanished. I was mesmerized by his lectures; they put biology into a unique perspective I had never bothered thinking off. For example, when we were learning about genetics he said, looking around at every student, "Your parents have probably always told you that you were unique and special. Well, they are right. Never in the history of life on this Earth has their been a living creature with any one of your genetic makeup, that is unless you have an identical twin." Ironically, we did have twins in our class and the teacher turned to them and said, "Sorry you guys, you're not unique. Hey, but at least you don't have the same fingerprints." We all burst into laughter.
This one instance (deleted comma) illustrates how Mr. Orlando supplemented biology with passion, humor, and inquisitiveness that captivated my young teenage mind. His class ignited an undying fascination and attachment to the field of biology that can never be extinguished. The class was challenging, and I managed to earn a "B", but that grade does not express the tremendous amount of knowledge I attained. Nonetheless, even after learning so much, his class showed me that we only covered a fraction of the mountain of information present in this amazing field. Mr. Orlando instilled the idea that learning in this field, as with any other, is a continual process that never reaches a destination. What I have gained from that class is simply priceless and words cannot fully describe how much it has meant to me. Every student will have, at some point, a great, inspirational teacher that paves direction to their academic future, and I am very fortunate to of had one at a young, ripe age. I am eagerly hoping to find more instructors of this caliber wherever my collegiate career brings me to-though I would prefer to have professors that can pronounce my name correctly.
In the first paragraph, I think you should get rid of all the details and just keep the main point.
the reader does not need to know his name or even that it was your sophomore year. They don't need to know he is a sniper, (although that is a weirdly interesting detail that maybe you should keep!)
Don't say you sat in the back of the room.
I absolutely dreaded walking into that class, it felt like I was walking into a prison never again to see the light of day. These were the emotions racing through my mind when I walked into the first class meeting of my Biology Honors class. Mr. Orlando, The instructor was the most intimidating teacher I had seen in my entire life; he had the physique of a bodybuilder, and I heard rumors that he had worked as a sniper for SWAT. However, to my astonishment once... (and conclude the first para with a sentence that clearly answers the prompt question. What specific work do you want to do as a biologist.)
I scratched out a lot of detail! Remember to stick to your purpose. Your purpose here is to impress the reader with your writing and your passion about a particular field.
No, that is just my suggestion! Someone who is very serious about a field also tends to have special interests, special fascinations.
That part is my personal opinion. How can someone deny entrance to you if you have such a clear vision for the future? That is why I suggest painting a detailed picture.
