A dream reflects one's unconscious emotional state and life goal - VT personal statement

I am applying to virginia tech and I want to get my essay checked before the revision.
The prompt: If you could have any superhero power what would it be and why?
The limit for length is 250

Many people have a dream while they are sleeping. The dream has wide range of nature from freighting to happy. In our daily life, people are constantly dreaming and imagining about their ideal life even though they know that it is hard to achieve. That is why they have a dream that reflects one's unconscious emotional state and life goal. The superpower that I want is the ability to make one's dream to the reality. My goal with this ability is to reduce the gap between the rich people and poor people. There are hundreds and thousands of young people who cannot achieve their goal or find their career even though they work really hard in the university. Contrast to that, there are young people who do not care about their job and money because their family already has everything. Young people without rich family get poor reward compare to the amount of effort that they have put in. Because of this, many people say that the life is unfair. I agree that life is unfair so I want to change this. To me, fair world means people get what they have done for it. I just want to reward those people who worked hard but did not get the reward. Therefore, I cannot actualize dream of people who wants to achieve their goal but do not give an attempt to earn that. (233)

Junhee, you need to make a splash with your opening statement. So I suggest using this line first "The superpower that I want is the ability to make one's dream to the reality. " then you can follow it up with the explanation about how people dream. You can end the paragraph with"That is why they have a dream that reflects one's unconscious emotional state and life goal." You can actually divide your essay into 2 highly effective paragraphs. The first paragraph will be the one I explained above and the second, will be the reason why you think having this super power will be a good thing.

I really like the way that you wrote this essay. It is a simple idea and a dream that comes from a good place. The only thing that I would like to do with your essay at this point is to fix the grammar and format problems. Let me show you my revised version of your essay, this time using 2 paragraphs:

Many people dream while they are sleeping. Dreams cover a wide tange of topics from the realization of the dreamer's life plans, to having to face up to their fears in life, people are constantly dreaming and imagining about their ideal life even though they know that it is hard to achieve. That is why they have a dream that reflects one's unconscious emotional state and life goal. The superpower that I want is the ability to make one's dream to the reality.

My goal with this ability is to reduce the gap between the rich people and poor people. There are thousands of young people who cannot achieve their goal or find their career even though they work really hard in the university. Compare that with, the young people who do not care about their job and money because their family is financially and socially well placed.

Young people from poor families get a poor reward compared to the amount of effort that they have put into their lives. That is why many people say that life is unfair. I agree that life is unfair so I want to change this. To me, a fair world is a place where people get what they have worked for. I want to reward those people who worked hard but did not get their reward. Then I would prevent the people who have life dreams but do not work towards achieving it from getting their life desires and goals. (243)

You can either submit this version for the prompt or use it as a sample for your revision. The choice is yours :-)

- Many people have a dreams while they are sleeping.
- The dream has wide range of nature from freightn ing to happy.
- Young people without rich family background get
- poor reward compared to the amount
- many people say that the life is unfair.
- people get what they have doneworked for it .
- Therefore, I cannot actualize dream of people who wants to achieve their goal but do not give an attempt to earn that.Having this super powers will give me the chance to reward those deserving. (233)

JunHee, honestly, I still want more from your essay, it lacks that detail or the image that will stand out in response to the prompt, remember this is for VT, it will support your application and the admissions officer will look into all your essays and roll them all together and they will come up with the decision for admission or a grade scale.

I say, you revise the beginning and the ending of the essay and I hope to see the revised essay here on EF so we can help you further.