I was approached by a close friend last year with a supposed method which made you focus extremely well and use your time efficiently. He explained and said it required no cheating, which had me uncommonly intrigued. This was a very stressful week for me because my uncle had just passed away in Karachi, Pakistan. This had all started on Monday when my family received the news from Karachi and on top of my own sorrow I had to help my mother through the rough time she was going through. The method which he stumbled across was a drug called Adderall, a type of amphetamine which came in a capsule or tablet form. He told me about the effects of this drug, how it increased your concentration, cognitive performance, mood, and also decreased fatigue. I had an assortment of thoughts in my mind at that moment thinking that this was illegal, had intense side effects, addiction. At the same time I was also thinking about the positive side which would be receiving an A on my physics final exam. This decision had me struggling for days and it was the most frustrating decision I had ever dealt with. In the end I refused his offer and crammed for my test. I had just overcome peer pressure of the highest extent and said to myself that I wouldn't ever let the pressure affect me again.
This paragraph is 234 words and I need to make it into 200 words. Any suggestions on my writing?
Also I must submit this by 12pm PST.
I have striked out errors and redundant sentences/words and bolded corrections in red.
I was approached by a close friend last year with a supposed method which made you focus extremely well and use your time efficiently.method that supposedly helps one focus well and use time efficiently. He explained and saidthat it required no cheating, which had me uncommonly intrigued. Itwas a very stressfulhad been a stressful week for me because my uncle had just passed away in Karachi, Pakistan. This had all started on Monday when my family received the news from Karachi andO n top of my own sorrow, I had to help my mother through the rough time she was going through. The method which he stumbled across was a drug called Adderall, a type of amphetamine, which came in a capsule or tablet form. He told me about the effects of this drug, how it increased your concentration, cognitive performance, mood, and also decreased fatigue. I had an assortment of thoughts in my mind at that moment thinking that this was illegal, had intense side effects, addiction. At the same time I was also thinking about the positive side which would be receiving an A on my physics final exam. This decision had me struggling for days and it was the most frustrating decision I had ever dealt with. In the end I refused his offer and crammed for my test. I had just overcome peer pressure of the highest extent and said to myself that I wouldn't ever let the pressure affect me again.
Overall I think this is a strong paragraph, good summary. I eliminated some sentences to get it within range of 200 words. I copy and pasted the revised version into word and it came to 209 words. To get it to 200 exactly, you could reword "I had an assortment of thoughts in my mind at that moment" to something shorter and more precise. The part about your uncle could be revised to one sentence, mentioning that he passed away and that it was a tough time for you and your mother. I can't find anything else to shorten because most of it is pretty important for such a brief summary.
Hopefully this helps. Good luck!
Hey Joseph, I really like the way you fixed that first line. I like all of it, but especially that first line. It is not good to refer to "you" in this kind of essay.
I had an assortment of thoughts in my mind at that moment thinking that this was illegal, had intense side effects, and the possibility of addiction. ---I made a small change here.
Hey, you did not really give much discussion about the meaning of this. It's just a story about resisting peer pressure. I think you could make it more meaningful by digging a little deeper and sharing some unique insight. Is there something more you can share with the reader?
:-)