Hi, please help either provide comment or correct grammatical mistakes in my essay. Thank you so much!!
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During a business trip to my hometown in my gap year, I accidentally stepped onto a cabbage field, covering a vast area. As I bent to examine the cabbage, a foul smell prompted me to cover my nose: the entire field of cabbage was left rotting in the sunshine. What an alarming sight! After interviewing local farmers, I realized that they lacked sufficient knowledge about the market-regulating mechanism, and since the prices of cabbage were relatively high in the previous year, they expanded the production this year, unaware that the increase in supply would drive the prices down. In addition, because the prices of petrol and labor had risen recently, the costs of harvesting, packaging and transporting produce skyrocketed. Therefore, unable to afford to access the outside markets and faced with meager prices, these farmers had no choice but to abandon the whole field of cabbage, letting the cabbages rot so that they at least could fertilize the soils. It was as I stumbled across this problem that I realized that its solutions went far beyond the scope of business expertise, for these farmers' suffering was entangled with a variety of thorny issues, such as a lack of education, undeveloped infrastructure, and inadequate government support.
Therefore, during my college search, I specifically focused on those universities with an emphasis on interdisciplinary education and civic engagement. With this mindset, I discovered Duke University, whose Market and Management Program and DukeEngage projects sparked my interest as I browsed through the school website. With its liberal arts approach, the M&M Program will prepare me to become not only a successful entrepreneur, but also a Renaissance man, with diverse knowledge and skills to solve the increasingly complex world problems. By taking courses like MMS 180: Entrepreneurial Opportunities & Finance, SOC 126: The Challenges of Development, and SOC 145: Nations, Regions & the Global Economy, I will further develop my practical business skills while simultaneously explore issues that directly address regional economic hardship. As for extracurricular activities, I was ecstatic to learn that Duke does not isolate itself in a bubble from the outside world. "Civic engagement is a cornerstone of the Duke experience," the President Brodhead's eloquent words perfectly resonate with my conviction that those of us who have the fortune of receiving education should give back to society our talents and passions. Through DukeEngage, I can apply the interdisciplinary knowledge and skills I acquire from the M&M program to real life situations, such as to develop microfinance opportunities with Social Entrepreneur Corps for disadvantaged families in Guatemala, or to design outreach programs with Duke Community Center for the neighborhoods in Durham. I am confident that through four years of education at Duke, I will transform into a disciplined, mature, and skilled entrepreneur and social activist, ready to make a difference in the world.
I think the essay is really good, and it shows your enthusiasm for both your topic and the school, but i am worried that perhaps you spent too much time recounting the story of the farmers. But as a whole, i like the essay, you took things from a totally different angle. I do feel though, that you final sentence is a bit heavy. Yes, duke will help you, but you cant give it all the credit, you could perhaps say, i will find the resources/ whatever to enable me transform into a disciplined...
Goodluck! and please read my essay!
projects sparked my interest as I browsed through the school website .
the M&M Program write it out if you can
simultaneously exploring issues
As for extracurricular activities, I was ecstatic to learn that Duke does not isolate itself in a bubble from the outside world. "Civic engagement is a cornerstone of the Duke experience," the President Brodhead's eloquent words find a better way to introduce this; it's kind of awkward
with the Social Entrepreneur Corps
You use therefore a lot. Sometimes the essay is structured like "Statement---> and therefore, I learned blank" if that makes sense.
Overall, it's good. You get your point across in a believable way without sounding cliche or corny. Please read my NYU one if you can. Thanks!
By taking courses like MMS 180: Entrepreneurial Opportunities & Finance, SOC 126: The Challenges of Development, and SOC 145: Nations, Regions & the Global Economy
cutting that helps it flow better. I don't think it's redundant because they all relate to what you described in your essay in different ways.
