"In 300 words or less, describe how your academic interest and/or professional goals will be fulfilled in your intended program of study at Illinois."
Other than proper grammar and punctuation, I wanted to know what you guys think of this essay. Thanks!
The shaking bridge
"It's not going to hold!" my partner cried, as our instructor stood at the side while I meticulously controlled the RC. As it advanced through the weakest point of the A-frame bridge, the weight of the car caused an unexpected momentum to unsteadily shake the bridge down. It was heartbreaking. I could feel my partner's despair as he resigned a heavy sigh.
As I stepped closer to the bridge, it took me a minute or two to realize the naturally envisioned improvements playing in my head, just as I imagined the factors that contributed to the bridge's fall. It was during this fortunate moment I realized my interest in civil engineering.
After picking maths, physics and art as my extracurricular, weekly meetings with the club fueled me with multiple engineering sources: including Engineering News-Record and Engineering Fundamentals. Through topics such as construction management, safety, and sustainability, I quickly immersed and admired, as it progressively expanded my knowledge and keen enthusiasm in civil engineering.
Christmas came early after my dad finally allowed me to voluntarily work alongside a team of engineers from "Mitrarenov" to build him a coffee roastery. Due to my familiarity with architectural drawing and design, the team wanted me to model a few interior concepts for the roastery, while further broadening my knowledge on project management as they walked me through the process of site preparation, construction management, and various construction methods. With impeccable teamwork, concise planning, and ingenious solutions to unexpected on-site complications, I felt a great desire to contribute and continue this journey on a higher level: The University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign.
With my knowledge and involvement still at the tip of the iceberg, I am confident that my experience with UIUC's top-rated civil engineering program, along with the student-professor community, will shape me into becoming the engineer I aspire to be.
I don't think your essay has strong background of your reason to choose this program. Besides your past story, you have to mention about other reason why you choose this program. I will give you an example, such as what the benefit of this program is to your or other people.
Reuben, you successfully present your relevant skills and academic interest in the essay but you do not successfully explain how the university will be able to help you fulfill your chosen program at the university, Considering that you have some Engineering background and have had failures in that area, your essay should therefore represent 2 parts: (1) Your strength as a potential student due to your relevant practical experience and (2) your weaknesses that drew you to the program of your choice at the university. Based on these weaknesses, clearly discuss how the university course/program/training/other considerations will help you strengthen these weak areas. If possible, explain how you hope to show your professors and peers how far you have improved through participation in a specific engineering showcase at the university when the time comes.
The essay is not very good due to the strong focus on only one area of the discussion instructions. You will have to write a new essay that will address all of the aspects of the discussion, based on the given topics for each essay paragraph. This essay is strong in terms of skills representation but nothing else. If the essay only focused on that topic, then I would give the go ahead to use this essay. Since it is not, I have to be honest and tell you that you have to write a totally new essay for the application.