UC prompt 1
describe the world you come from, and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Hi, everyone. This is the rough draft of my essay for UC system and there are a lot of errors in this essay. Please tell me if the structure of this essay make sense and what else should i change?? THANKS!!!
I love charts and data. No matter they are pies or lines; I can always treat them like they are the most gorgeous paintings in the world, and analyze the data of the charts carefully. I still remember the days when I was a little boy, my mother used to work as an accountant in a small firm. Every now and then, she has to work late at home. By watching her finishing those complicated data and charts, I got deeply attracted to them, and that is when I started my indissoluble bond with statistics.
5 years later, I tuned 15. While most Chinese parents are worrying about if their kids have spent pocket money properly, my mother handed me the job to handle the monthly bills of my family, and this is what really initiated my interest in the fields of statistics and finance. In order to pay the payments before the due dates correctly, I had to calculate the exact sum of the utilities. I made a list with the due dates and the sum of each utility using Excel, and this was my first concept of Statistics.
During my sophomore year at high school, I took an optional course in Financial Statistics, because I thought that would be a great chance for me to learn more about this field. In this course, I was able to easily understand the concepts taught by the teacher, and I did exceptionally well in solving the practical problems assigned by my teacher. With the knowledge I learned during the course, I made my first investment in the Foreign Exchange Market. Although I only invested 100 dollars in Sterling, but with my accurate statistics analysis towards the market, I made 2 dollars out of 100 within 5 days. That is the first time I applied my statistics knowledge to the field of Finance, and I would never forget the excitement that this has brought me.
Now, I am no longer satisfied with my limited knowledge in the fields of statistics and finance, hoping to get into a college to get myself equipped with more professional knowledge. I believe that, with the things that I will learn in the future, one day, I can realize my dream of being an analyst in the Wall Street.
[While most of my mates are still wandering around, confused about their goals, thanks to the easy environment provided by my parents, I have already found something that I really love.]
Omit this part, as it comes off as a bit condescending.
I also think you can expand on the part about making your first investment. You can really get into depth about how it shaped who you are, especially if you use a lot of details! I think your topic is really interesting and can really give the AO insight as to how you developed your love for finance.
And if you have time, I'd appreciate if you could look at my essay as well =].
Thanks Marinel!
Sigh... I just don't know how to write this essay...
Sometimes, I feel that my parents are a little bit too "soft" with me.
...
As a Chinese student, to some degree, scores and rankings mean everything
In China, scores and rankings, to some degree, mean everything ...
As I saw my mother do this,...
I got quickly fascinated towith those attracting charts...
That was the first time I applied my statistics knowledge to the field of Finance, and I would never forget the excitement that this has brought me.this experience has given me.
Generally, your essay is really great and i appreciate it a lot.
BTW, which city in China are you from? Are you applying to UC in China?
thank you, mingwei!
and I have revised my essay for the second time, can anyone help me take a look at it?
Please be critic! THANKS!!!
*TRANSITION* One year later, my mother handed me the job to handle the family's monthly bills, and that is what really initiated my interest in the fields of statistics and finance...----I was going to say I did not think you needed a transition sentence between these 2 sentences, but now I see that I was working with the wrong version of the essay. I like the newer version more. I think "Chinese parents being to hard on kids" is an overused topic that the AO reader sees all the time.
So I like this new topic....I want to mention, though, that this is not a good topic sentence:
5 years later, I tuned 15. ---Not a good paragraph topic sentence. They want to see that you can write with good structure, and that means writing topic sentences that tell the main idea of the paragraph. It is boring to say 5 years went by and you turned 15.
Also, it is usually bad to write "I believe" because it is not helpful... if you just state the belief the reader will know it is what you believe:
I believe that, w With the things skills that I will learn in the future, one day, I can realize my dream of being an analyst in the Wall Street.
You did a great job here!! I only wanted to point out these 2 little ideas...
5 years later, I tuned 15. ---Not a good paragraph topic sentence. They want to see that you can write with good structure, and that means writing topic sentences that tell the main idea of the paragraph. It is boring to say 5 years went by and you turned 15.
Also, it is usually bad to write "I believe" because it is not helpful... if you just state the belief the reader will know it is what you believe:
I believe that, w With the things skills that I will learn in the future, one day, I can realize my dream of being an analyst in the Wall Street.
You did a great job here!! I only wanted to point out these 2 little ideas...
