Alright heres the essay, not much intro needed, but it is a bit long so i did have to cut it down, so as some great engineer said
A designer knows he has achieved perfection, not when there is something left to add, but when there is nothing to take away...
aka dont try to add stuff, lets try to get rid of the crap first =P
anyway promt and essay!
What makes Stanford a good place for you?
Henry J. Kaiser once said "Taste the relish to be found in competition ï in having put forth the best within you", and what better place to get the best competition possible, than Stanford. Stanford has some of the most intelligent people in the nation attending there school, which creates enormous competition for everyone, and therefore makes people produce far better results than if they had no competition at all. If there is one thing I want from a school, I want them to push me to achieve more than what I could normally do on my own, and I think Stanford is the perfect place for that. Stanford will push me to take the risks i need to be successful. Being pushed to achieve more doesn't just benefit me; it creates a chain-reaction to society and the community to follow my example to achieve more as well.
Not only does Stanford give me the push I'm looking for in my education, I will also get that push on the Track and Field as well. Stanford has one of the best Track and field programs on the West coast and I know that I could benefit from there great program and give that gift back to the school. Stanford's coaches can push me to the limit and get me to the goals that I want and there is nothing more that I really want than to score points in the PAC-10 Conference for Stanford.
Running down the last 100 meters of the 400 m run, sweat flying everywhere, the grunts of pain exploding from your legs; these are the images I see before my race, I visualize my self in the lead just to give me the mental push I need to win the race. My new race isn't a 400 meter run, now its Stanford. I can visualize myself at Stanford, seeing not only what Stanford can do for me, but what great things I can do for Stanford.
Henry J. Kaiser once said "Taste the relish to be found in competition - in having put forth the best within you", and. what better place to get the best competition possible, than Stanford.
^What competition are we talking about here? Academic competition? UChicago is probably more academically rigorous than Stanford, especially in certain disciplines.
Stanford has some of the most intelligent people in the nation attending there school, which creates enormous competition for everyone, and therefore makes people produce far better results than if they had no competition at all.
^No.
If there is one thing I want from a school, I want them to push me to achieve more than what I could normally do on my own, and I think Stanford is the perfect place for that. Stanford will push me to take the risks i need to be successful. Being pushed to achieve more doesn't just benefit me; it creates a chain-reaction to society and the community to follow my example to achieve more as well.
^School is singular.
-The school will not push you to achieve what more than you can actually do. You will have to do to that on your own.
-Risks? What risks are you taking, by studying?
-A chain reaction? If that were the case, there should have been one with the many graduating classes of Stanford in the past. Where is this...chain reaction? Unless, you are so special that they have to follow your 'example'.
Not only does Stanford give me the push I'm looking for in my education, I will also get that push on the Track and Field as well. Stanford has one of the best Track and field programs on the West coast and I know that I could benefit from there great program and give that gift back to the school.
^It is 'their'.
-Are you even good enough to make it on the Track and Field roster?
-How is it's program one of the best on the west coast?
Stanford's coaches can push me to the limit and get me to the goals that I want and there is nothing more that I really want than to score points in the PAC-10 Conference for Stanford.
^You would rather score points for Stanford than study there. That. My friend. Is an Interesting point.
Running down the last 100 meters of the 400 m run, sweat flying everywhere, the grunts of pain exploding from your legs; these are the images I see before my race, I visualize my self in the lead just to give me the mental push I need to win the race.
^Pain does not grunt. Exploding from 'your' legs. Why are you referring to the reader's legs here.
My new race isn't a 400 meter run, now its Stanford. I can visualize myself at Stanford, seeing not only what Stanford can do for me, but what great things I can do for Stanford.
^What great things can you do. You havent even discussed one useful thing.
hmmm.. I think you should re-write this. Here's why--first you're complimenting the university and saying smart people go there, so you want to go there as well, for the competition. Okay, that makes sense. But that's true of any prestigious university. You could copy paste the same paragraph and use it in an essay for an application to any other college.
Then you devote the rest of your essay to track and field. Fair enough, it seems like you have researched into their track & field program. But what about their academic program? A college's first priority is education. What is your area of academic interest? Do you know how good Stanford's department for that area is? That's something you should mention. Keep the track & field bit in there, and use the metaphor of the 400 m race to show your drive to succeed, but mention the academics too..show them you've done your research and Stanford IS the right place for you, for more reasons than one. Have you visited the campus? You could talk about that, too.
you devote the rest of your essay to track and field. Fair enough, it seems like you have researched into their track & field program. But what about their academic program?
^Good point, but I think the German already answered that question.
there is nothing more that I really want than to score points in the PAC-10 Conference for Stanford.
Hm. I was under the impression that the PAC-10 Conference was some Track & Field or sports thing.
Stanford's coaches can push me to the limit and get me to the goals that I want and there is nothing more that I really want than to score points in the PAC-10 Conference for Stanford.
That makes it seem like the coaches are going to help him score points in the conference.
Anyway, if I'm wrong, my apologies to the German. :)
Gah! hmm well i could use some help, i want to put across that there is competition there and i would benifit from competion
and i also want to put across not so much how I benifit from stanford but how STANFORD benifits from me...
and yea i have reaserched on track and field, hell ive talked to Coach white (sprinters, hurtlers coach) in person about me going to stanford!!
liebe you make my essay look like crap! lol thanks tho i really need that kind of critiqueness (sp?)
oh and the PAC-10 is a track and field thing =P
its like the super bowl for track and field on the west coast lol
haha. critiqueness is not a word but if it was then you definitely spelled it correctly.
Liebe makes everyone's essay look like crap. lol
Wow, it's great that you've researched on Track and Field that in depth. Okay I would split this up into three segments, one on your academic interest (put that BEFORE sports) and how Stanford especially will help you with that, one segment on your track & field and how you've talked to the coaches ("Talking with the coaches at Stanford has really given me the drive to succeed in the Stanford Track & Field team" or something), and one on how Stanford and you will mutually benefit from these two fortes of yours, academic and athletic. The last segment will take care of this--
and i also want to put across not so much how I benifit from stanford but how STANFORD benifits from me...
--but you should talk about how THEY will help you at the same time that you talk about how YOU will help them so that it's not conceited-sounding.
You still haven't mentioned what your academic interest is (if any), but I hope you have one cause that's really important if you want show how you're going to contribute to Stanford.
kritipg you are my hero right now lol
And yea i kept out that i really want to be a engineer, mechanical engineer to be specific BUT ive done so becuase thousands of people want to go as engineers and im sure stanford doesnt need another engineer, so i put undecided so mabye they might think ill be a balerina or something to add diversity... if that makes sense lol
so i mean i could say i want to be a engineer but i might risk myself
or who knows maybe im totally wrong idk let me know if i should lol
and FYI the coaches at stanford are going to be reading my essays and helping me with them, just so everyone is aware of that
just so you guys know my situation i run the 400 and i ran around a 51 or 52 after 1 month of training(for most people it takes 3-4 years to get to that time)and white saw this and was like
We need this kid cuz if we train him right, he can run 48 and give us some points!
BUT i dont have the time needed to get on the AURF (there scholorship program, i forge that the abbreviation is) so im not gauranteed to get in but White is doing EVERYTHING possible to let me walk on
lol ahhh that's awesome.
HAHAH. a ballerina, you say.
hmm. I bet soo many people put their major choices as undecided, too though. And if you really like engineering you should go ahead and check that off, I would stay true to myself.
And you should also check that off because it is your academic interest. It's what gives you direction! You need it for your essays to have an underlying purpose. So your message can be, here I am, I love engineering and I love track & field. Being honest is your best bet for college apps. You wouldn't want them to accept you because of some fake persona you created.
I think all of your essays will be better if you stop trying to hide that interest in engineering! It's something to be proud of.
I don't know what's a good time in track & field but you sound pretty impressive, and if you have coaches trying to help you get in, then umm...yeah, you're probably going to get in. I mean obviously I can't say that with certainty. But if you make your essays polished and BE HONEST ABOUT YOUR INTERESTS (cough engineering) then you have a very strong chance.
Liebe makes everyone's essay look like crap. lol
^ :D
and FYI the coaches at stanford are going to be reading my essays and helping me with them, just so everyone is aware of that
^Wow. You actually have, quite a strong advantage here.
just so you guys know my situation i run the 400 and i ran around a 51 or 52 after 1 month of training
^Hmm thats quite cool. I remember some time ago, I could run 0-100 sometime between 12-13. (I just measured 100 meters and ran with an electronic stop watch with my hand. It is not as if it is an official time taken by a coach on a proper track field). Anyways I thought, man, I am going to do run 0-100 in 10 seconds. I never bothered. Just never pushed myself to get faster lol, and most people dont, so its good to see that you are willing to push yourself to get to 48 or so, and this is quite a strong selling point here that you can easily play to your advantage.
(Now, as it is summer and it is the off season for me, Ive gone from the 80 kilo bracket to 107 kilos so I do not even want to know what my 0-100 is now haha.)
You can mention your interests. However, since you are applying to Stanford, and not a specific engineering department, it is likely that mentioning your interests will do no harm to your application at all. That said, saying that your academic interests are undecided also, will do no harm to your application.
I may also be applying to Stanford. However, it is just a 'may'.
Alright well heres the rough draft for the re writen essay
its not finished and i still have 800 words left but im sick of writing essays today but i wanted to at least get SOMETHING up so hope this is better!!
still have 800 words
^Before I even begin to comment on your essay, I think you should re look at the Stanford supplement. All of the prompts limit the essay to a number of characters, rather than a number of words.
Are you sure that what you are doing, is even right?
i mean 800 characters XP
sorry about that lol
dont worry!
wooooooow im a idiot...
I think this is a really hard topic to write
I have had trouble with this one also. Start a thread and we may be able to help each other.
