"Embracing life and not battlig it" - Significant Experience & its Impact on Me

PROMPT: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. (250 words)

The summer before freshmen year, I was given the opportunity to restore an orphanage in Nicaragua, a third world country.

I had to adjust to the settings of not having air conditioning, sleeping on thin mattresses on the floor, eating unpleasant food, taking cold showers, and risking the chance of catching a virus. I thought that when I meet the children, they would look like the kids in commercials, crying because I would have. These are children that wear the same clothes everyday because they have no other option. They had no toys but each other to play with. They were left abandoned, and have no chance of becoming adopted because the paperwork is complicated, yet they radiate smiles and laughter.

When I came home from my trip, a few weeks later my parents were separated. Although, it was the hardest misfortune I had to accept, I was grateful and reminded myself of blessings that I have. My parents are alive, I have brothers and a sister to share memories with, and I have a home and food to eat. When my life doesn't turn out the way I want it to, instead of asking why, under the circumstance that an event happened out of my hands, I do not seek to see the bigger picture, but I have faith that it will reveal in its own time. Remembering the humbleness of the children, I know that I can face every challenge by embracing life and not battling it.

PLEASE: Should I take anything out? What words do I need better vocabulary? Do I capture the essence of the prompt, or do I lose focus?

i think your essay is good, but you should start with a more captivating first sentence. you should re-read it and decide whether to write in past or present tense. here are some things i think you can change, but there are still quite a few more.

"and risking the chance of catching a virus." putting myself at risk of catching a virus
"I thought that when I meetmet the children"

what did you want to say when you wrote "they would look like the kids in commercials, crying because I would have." that you thought they would be crying, because if you were in there situation you would cry, or that you thought they would be crying because thats what you saw on tv?

"These are children that wearwore the same clothes everyday because they havehad no other option."

"They were left abandoned, and havewith no chance of becomingbeing adopted

"When I came home from my trip, a few weeks later my parents were separated" i think this would sound better "A few weeks after coming home from my trip, my parents separated."

thank you so much, I wasn't quite sure to use present or past throughout the whole essay or just the beginning

I suggest that you shorten this list or reword it.


This seems like a run on sentence. You should make it more concise so you can elaborate more on the connection between the orphans in Nicaragua and how it humbled you in your own difficulties.

Overall, well written and great ideas! I was touched. :)

Thank you, I was unsatisfied with this essay because I felt as if I was missing something, and that is the connection.

Also, your positive comment motivates me. :)

Now that you have the corrections that others have made, or the suggestions that they have made for you, why don't you re-write the essay, re-work it so that we can see that you both understand what we have been trying to tell you and that you are able to write the essay?

It does one good to write -- then re-write and then re-write and then re-write and then re-write. It will often get better after each revision. Try it -- then post your essay again on the forum so that we can read it and evaluate it.

Mark

Simplify:
They were left abandoned, with no chance of being adopt ed because the paperwork is complicated, yet they radiate smiles and laughter.

This is wonderful, and I think you can improve it by using the advice here. For this essay, I think a nice approach would be to give your MESSAGE at the start, the middle, and the end.

These three spots can give the same message in different words:
Start: Add a great, short sentence to the beginning of the essay... right before the sentence that is now the first sentence.
Middle: They were left abandoned, and have no chance of becoming adopted because the paperwork is complicated, yet they radiate smiles and laughter.
End: Remembering the humbleness of the children, I know that I can face every challenge by embracing life and not battling it.

So, I suggest tacking a great, short sentence onto the beginning. Make it one that expresses this central message again. :-)

one essay = one big idea

I reposted the draft of this essay on another thread at the bottom of the page, I also need help with my other essay VIRES ARTES MORES, which is also at the bottom of the page. Thank you