The Emotion Revolution - "Why Yale?" Supplement Essay.

Ok so one of the questions from Yale's supplement stuff is "Why does Yale appeal to you?". It has a limit of a 100 words, and here is my response.

The first thing I came to know of Yale was its remarkable resemblance to Hogwarts. Coveting my very own Hogwarts (now Yale, of course) admission letter, I proceeded to investigate, eventually coming to know about the marble-windowed Beinecke Library and the Gothic style architecture of Farnam Hall. I was thoroughly enamored by the concept of Trans@Yale and its contribution to the LGBT movement, the Emotion Revolution, as well as Dwight Hall. Eventually, it dawned upon me that Yale is where liberty is truly the norm, and where I could definitely take the first stride towards bettering our world.

Just to put things into context, my application is hugely based upon community service, so most of this is genuine.

All help appreciated :)

Muhammad, Hogwarts parallelism aside, your essay doesn't really deliver a strong reason as to why you have chosen Yale. Discussing how you researched the university doesn't offer much confidence in the reasons as to your decision. If anything, I would have told the reviewer that as a staunch supporter of the LGBT community, you were drawn to Yale because of the Trans@Yale program. Quickly explain how your advocacy ties in with the organization at the university and how you hope to positively contribute to the trans community at Yale and you should have a more effective response in place. I would not use comparisons with Hogwarts and also avoid talking about the structure, location, places, and any general reference to your choice. Those are the usual approaches to this essay and in order to make an impression, your statement has to "pop" within 100 words.

@Holt
Hi. Thanks for the advice! Basically I considered what you said, and concluded that I would like to talk about both Trans@Yale and Dwight Hall.

So here's a redraft:

The first aspect of Yale that I learned of was its affectionate nickname: "The Gay Ivy", which, for me, meant expanding my advocacy for the LGBT movement. I was particularly smitten, therefore, when I read about the Trans@Yale program and its innumerable contributions to queer rights. My love for Yale was further intensified when I came to know of the service opportunities I would be afforded at Yale via Dwight Hall. Consequently, I began to realize that Yale is a spearhead of freedom and liberty, and it is truly a place where I can take the first stride towards making a better world.

Hi Muhammad,
I agree with Holt. Your essay needs to inculcate a specific reason for why you have chosen Yale.

Muhammad, you have chosen to discuss some pretty specific and unique reasons for opting to seek admission to Yale in this response. I find that your interest and advocacy in the LGBT community will help your essay stand out among the applicants. That is because your response does not focus on the location, setting, academic offerings, or athletics of the university. Instead, you have chosen to go for the heart of the university, which is diversity and acceptance of its students. After all, you are all there to learn regardless of your personal side. Therefore, I do not believe that you need to change anything else in this response statement. You should use it as is and offer it up to the reviewer for consideration with your other common app prompts. I believe this is a very strong statement that could make a mark in the reviewer's mind come admissions consideration time.