English class; MY SECOND LIFE/ Significant Experience

This is my prompt:Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
I came up with this idea the impact English has had on my since I'm a not native-English speaker, and I need desperately your opinions on it. Any type of feedback is welcomed, and I would greatly appreciate it if you have any ideas for the title, cuz I think it's lame..

thank you!

English class. 7th grade. A middle-aged teacher writes on the board, "Speaking two languages is living two lives." Being immature at the time, I think, "Duh! Then the polyglots should be immortal!"I hated the quote. Not because I really believed what I was thinking, but because I knew that my English speaking skills were not even good enough to hold a decent conversation. Reflecting on this, I was not happy. It was then that I decided to master English.

Today, many years later, I finally have realized what being bilingual and living two lives really means. For different people, it can mean different things. For me, it meant receiving a scholarship to study abroad in the USA.

Being an exchange student was really fun. Taking funny pictures on Hollywood hills was something I had only dreamed of, and running up and down the Golden Gate Bridge was very entertaining(it can be tiring as well!). Attending an American high school, with me being a pure foreigner and being there "just for the experience" was an amusement on its own. Sharing my culture and listening to what others thought of Kosovo was very exciting. Soon, however, I realized that fun was a drop in the bucket. Moving from a small village where I had spent most of my life to California, the most diverse state in the country, was quite a challenge. I had to move back to square one: adjust to a completely new environment, live with strangers, not to add that I missed my friends and family. But I could speak English at a decent level, and this is exactly where my second life began.

Gradually, I started to make more friends and become more integrated into my host family. I started to think under the "It's not better, not worse, just different" philosophy.If before I would ignore people who had a different hairstyle, or were wearing 'weird' clothes, now I started to interact and get to know them. I began approaching things differently and confronting challenges without a familiar support network.As a result, I could make my own decisions and solve my own problems.I realized the need to get out of my comfort zone and try new things. For example I never did sports before because I didn't see myself as an athletic person. But I decided to try swim, and to my surprise, I found out that I could do more than I thought I could. It's true that still I am not the most athletic person one would meet, but finishing the season successfully helped me understand that nothing is impossible. Experiencing different things, soon, I could see a more confident me. I felt more comfortable talking to strangers, gained a broader general knowledge, and exercised more independence. Learning English gave me the opportunity to experience new things I could never have experienced if I had spoken only one language. It also helped me develop interests in learning other languages. I began to see the world as a smaller place, and I began to appreciate more other cultures as well as my own.

The year I spent in the US tremendously impacted my life.Not only have I become an independent thinker and a person who is more open to new ideas, but I have also explored new cultures in ways I never had before. Speaking a new language helped me to truly live my second life--a life in a year--through my experience as an exchange student.

Hello,

I'm going to give you some constructive criticism here, at least that's what I tend to look for in regards to revisions. The person above edited this beautifully; definitely make those corrections. To be honest the essay read as a little slow to me; it's a bit too generic if that makes sense. While your story is individual and unique and I recognize that, I wish that you gave the essay a more personalized feel. Incorporate specifics; names, family members, locations, etc, that really give me a feel for your experience. Essentially, be more descriptive. If you could also give the reader a better sense of your own speaking voice, it would greatly improve the essay! Best of luck, and I'd love to help you out further should you need it!

Do not begin the essay with broken sentences or sprinkled nouns. Turn them into a full sentence.

Use past tense in all of the beginning sentences; you are being inconsistent, and present tense does not really serve any purpose.

"Not because..." is a broken sentence. Connect it to the sentence in front of it.

"Not because I really believed what I was thinking" Thinking about what? It's an ambiguous sentence. Clarify "what I was thinking."

"For different people, it can mean different things" is a bad cliche and cluttered sentence. Basically, it does not say anything. The following sentence can be used on its own.

"was very entertaining(it can be tiring as well!)": Do not use exclamation mark. It looks too juvenile on any essay--it's a good thing to remember. Change it to "very entertaining and yet tiring"

"Attending an American high school, with me being a pure foreigner and being there "just for the experience" was an amusement on its own" has a subject agreement problem and is a broken sentence. The subject should be "I," and you should rephrase the whole sentence because it's not clear at all.

"I realized that fun...": Put "such" in front of fun. "I realized that such fun..."

Have comma in front of and after "where I had spent most of my life"

"adjust[ING] to a completely new environment, liv[ING] with strangers, [and missing] my friends and family": Here, you should use gerund form when listing, and "not to add" breaks the uniformity of the list.

Take single quotation mark off from "weird." You should not use quotation marks unless absolutely needed (which means irony, sarcasm, or specifying, not regular emphasis), and even if you use one, it should not be the single quotation mark but double one.

Put comma after "for example."

"I found out that I could do more than I thought I could": So many clutters. Change it to "I could do more than I thought."

"It's true that still I am not the most athletic person one would meet" is a cliche. Change it into something more direct and sincere.

"finishing the season successfully helped me" sounds like "helping" was successful. Or is that what you meant? if not, move "successfully" to the front.

"Experiencing different things, soon, I could see a more confident me": Change to "Experiencing different things, I found a more confident self."

These list may seem a lot and harsh, but believe me. I'm a Korean professional tutor on admission essays, and I taught over 60 students during the past 5 years. :)

But it looks like the old Common App essay topic. Are you using it for the college admission? Cuz this year's topic's different...

Thanks a lot!!!! :))) Yea, it's an admission essay, but it's for a university which doesn't use Common App. So, I submitted this one and hopefully I will get in. You guys have helped me tremendously! Apparently, my English has still a long way to go.. which is kind of ironic, since my essay is exactly about mastering an other language lolXD anyway, I really liked the way you corrected it, and I was wondering if you guys would give me any tips on how to structure more powerful sentences (I always have problems with overusing passive voice) and how to incorporate style without ignoring grammar rules??

Your style is largely okay. You seem to have a good sense of writing naturally (i.e. your writing reads naturally when spoken out).

Here are the basic rules:

-4S: Short, Simple, Straightforward, Solid.
The 4S rule applies to all levels of writing: word, sentence, paragraph, and the whole.
Use the shortest and simplest words without losing connotation.
Sentences should be short and simple(without many commas) too if possible, and any meaningless clutter (ones I pointed out in my correction) should be removed, since it lengthens the sentence and obscures the meaning.

A paragraph should contain only one idea. Short paragraphs are better as long as they are made with more than three sentences.
From sentences to paragraphs to the whole essay, everything should flow naturally as one solid piece. You should pay attention to the relationship between two adjacent elements.

-Remove adverbs and adjectives as much as possible, and write with verbs and nouns.
Adverbs and adjectives do not contribute to the style. Use the minimum. Try to find the strongest action verbs and the most colorful nouns possible within your comfortable vocabulary range.

-No exaggeration, no exclamation mark. You don't have to be stoic, but always have control over the expression.

-Use passive only when you are emphasizing something in the subject. Make the sentence active with strong action verb as much as possible.

Thank you! can you please take a look at my other essay? I really need your opinion..