Preface for all you trying to help me out:
I'm currently on active duty as an enlisted sailor, and I'm seeking help with my essay as I've been outta school for awhile and have never been good at writing papers, I tend to keep to STEM.
Anyways, the prompt is as follows:
In a essay of 300-500 words
1) Describe what led to your initial interest in the naval service and how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long range goals, and
2) Describe a personal experience you have had which you feel has contributed to your own character development and integrity.
Here's what I got so far -
As long as I can remember I've felt a call to serve our nation. As a child my father and I would visit the USS Intrepid, an Essex-Class Carrier museum ship. Onboard the ship I would be surrounded by stories of sailors who have gone before me. Stories about fighting raging infernos when the warship's hangar bay was hit by Kamikaze strike aircraft. Stories about launching thunderous strike aircraft deep into Vietnam to fight our nation's adversaries. After my trips the the Intrepid, I knew joining the Navy was for me. I knew serving was what I wanted to do with my life. {Here is where I think I could write better} I want to be a Surface Warfare Officer. In my eyes the best way to way to become an Officer is via the Academy. I want the total structure it offers unlike the NROTC program. I want the military immersion, fast paced schooling, and physical training to make me the best officer I can be.
{I haven't answered the second part yet - I will update when I feel like I've written something non-trashy}.
I would like to put in somewhere that I'm very dedicated to this goal of mine, and will be trying every year till I'm no longer qualified.
Thanks for your time!
I believe that for the first prompt, you should discuss something along the lines of what you learned about service to the country during the repeated visits to the museum. Highlight some instances when you found yourself so drawn into the myth of naval service that you felt a need to become a part of that world. Don't just mention the history of the Japanese and Vietnam war. Talk about how it impacted you as a young man.
From that point, try to develop your discussion about how you feel you can contribute to the navy and why. Try to address the part about how the Navy can help you achieve your long term goals. I don't see any reference to that at this point. How do you see the navy helping you develop your cause, sense of patriotism, or something similar while you are a student in their care? Be definite about your future goals. Right now, I don't even see a vague reference to it.
You have a pretty solid introduction at this point. It just needs to be extended to offer a better idea of how you developed your interest and where you hope that takes you in the future. Maybe you can explain something about why your father always brought you back to the museum. Was he a frustrated Navy man? Did he have a sense of patriotism that he passed on to you? Try to go deeper into your presentation of your interest development. It is a bit shallow at this point. Don't forget to outline those long term goals in narrative form for the reviewer to read. Otherwise you will fall short of responding to the prompt. Somehow, I think that if you can deliver on the first few points, using the suggestions I made, you will find it easier to develop your response to prompt 2.
As for your dedication to your goal and your desire to keep trying until you age out, I don't really think you will find a spot in the first or second prompt to fit that into because it does not align itself with the prompt requirements. If pressed to include it, you could try to add it to the conclusion of your response to the first prompt. Maybe we can somehow make it work if placed there.
Hi YNnope, I understand that there is a huge correlation to what you aspire to become and what you are
doing now, this is very good, however, the introduction that you just started may not be the best scenario
that you want to follow through.
Here's what I suggest, you can start the essay by writing an introduction about the Naval Academy,
what the mission is, some sort of an eye opener and what you understand the job will lead you once
you graduate from the academy, this way you will be able to establish the fact that you know exactly what
you're doing and what profession you're rooting for. This kind of introduction will send a message to the panel
that you know what you are trying to achieve and this is no game for you, it's a career, a goal and a profession
that you are willing to dedicate your life into.
When you do the introduction this strong, make sure that you follow suit and maintain a string essay all through out
the final paragraph.
I hope my suggestions help and I should read your essay soon.
@vangiespen, I typed up my first edit of my original essay. Tomorrow during the work day I'll fine tune even more. I've been thinking of scrapping this train of thought but I don't know.
See any improvement?
{Intro 'hook' to be added} As a child my father and I would visit the USS Intrepid, a museum ship. Onboard the ship I would be surrounded by stories of sailors who have gone before me. Stories about fighting raging infernos when the warship's hangar bay was hit by Kamikaze strike aircraft. Stories about launching thunderous strike aircraft deep into Vietnam to fight our nation's adversaries. After my trips the the Intrepid, I knew joining the Navy was for me. I felt a calling to serve. Hearing those tales of young men give the ultimate sacrifice, and then tales of sailors serving during ungrateful circumstances really impacted me. It began to hit me that it doesn't matter if someone thinks you are a 'hero', or if the public does not support the Navy's mission. What matters is that you're protecting freedom and democracy around the world and that's what draws me into naval service.
{Here is where I think I could write better, I feel like I need a transition to the second part of the first prompt}
All my life I've felt like I could do something greater with me life. I finally figured out what I want to aim for. I want to be a Naval Officer. The responsibility, the prestige, and the In my eyes the best way to way to become an officer is via the Academy. I want the total structure it offers unlike the NROTC program. I want the military immersion, fast paced schooling, and physical training to make me the best officer I can be.
Thanks for your help
V/R
YN nope
Hey YN, you have honestly come up with a very impressive statement here. However, the part that you want to use as your second paragraph would be wasted if you were to do so. It is actually a highly effective opening statement. I would not want you to relegate it to a supporting role when it can be the hook that you badly need to develop. It would be to your benefit to consider using that as your first paragraph instead. It will really help improve the essay.
This is a narrative that has to tell your story in the best way possible. The questions are guide topics to help you relate your experience to the reviewer. Now just make sure that you present your story flawlessly.
As far as the improvements you are concerned about, there is definitely a very big improvement in the way that you revised the essay. Regarding your concern about the transition, just come up with a transition sentence from the paragraph you have written to the next. That will solve the transition issue.
How does this sound --
Imagine being aboard a ship surrounded by the riveting tales of the sailors who have gone before you. As a child, my father and I would visit the USS Intrepid and it was there that I would hear the stories of those who fought for vice (Word choice? ) and freedom long before I had that chance. The stories of the raging fires that were fought when the warship's hangar bay was hit by a strike from a kamikaze aircraft. The stories of thunderous aircraft strikes in Vietnam as our nation's heroes fought our country's adversaries. Hearing these stories always left me in awe and they changed my perspective of service. These visits to the Intrepid, are what drew me to my choice of naval service. I heard the call to serve and without hesitation, I answered it. Hearing the tales of young men who made the ultimate sacrifice and of sailors serving during ungrateful circumstances greatly impacted me. I grew to understand that these stories were not originally driven by the need to be a hero or savior but by the need to protect freedom and democracy around the world and support the Navy's mission. That is what draws me into naval service.
I greatly desired to do something more and it was the Navy that helped me to understand what it was that I aimed to be. I chose that career of service, but I continue to feel the need to give more and being a Naval Officer is how I've decided to further impact the world around me. In my eyes, the best way to way to become an officer is by attending the United States Naval Academy. I want the strict, focused structure it offers. I want the military immersion, fast paced schooling, and physical training because I think it will make me the best officer I can be. Not only can the Naval Academy offer me the structured lifestyle and education opportunities that I so desire, I feel that I can offer.... (Then I about what I can give to the academy )
We need to adjust the content of the following paragraph so that it does not sound like you are advocating the support of criminal or negative world activities:
I would hear the stories of those who fought for vice (Word choice?) and freedom long before I had that chance.
Instead say:
I would hear the stories of those who fought against the international world of vice (Word choice?) and promoted global freedom long before I had that chance.
The adjustment makes the sentence clearer, more emotional and offers a insight as to how you truly view your responsibility as a member of the U.S. military, not just of the Navy. This way you sound more like you are answering a patriotic call to duty rather than simply trying to fulfill an ambition. It also better supports the following statement in your paragraph:
I heard the call to serve and without hesitation, I answered it.
Only, rather than just saying you answered it indicate that you:
I heard the call to serve and without hesitation, I am answering it.
The rest of the essay seems to be well developed at this point. Those parts may need to be edited or revised depending upon how the rest of your essay goes.