Okay so it's been 2 years since i wrote an essay I'm really nervous and I'm not sure if i did a good job. The essay is based on this topic. There may be personal information that you want considered as part of your admissions application. Write an essay describing that information. You might include exceptional hardships, challenges, or opportunities that have shaped or impacted your abilities or academic credentials, personal responsibilities, exceptional achievements or talents, educational goals, or ways in which you might contribute to an institution committed to creating a diverse learning environment.
Have you ever had a moment where you sit and ask yourself who am I? Everybody goes on their own journey to find out who they are and what is their reason for being. It can become a struggle for a teenager growing into an adult. At one point in my life I believed I knew exactly what I was going to do with my life.
Senior year in high school, college is the next step. At the time I didn't qualify for financial aid and unfortunately my family did not have the money to pay for my education. Therefore, I did what a young adolescent would do, I enlisted in the United States Air Force. They offered education, money, and a chance to travel the world. My family didn't like the fact that I would be leaving them but they accepted it. I had no idea what I was getting into I just hoped I could make something of myself and prove to everyone that I am somebody. As I got on the plane said good bye to all my friends and family for the last time I felt scared of what the future was to bring to me. I left to San Antonio, Texas Lackland AFB to start my training to be a military police officer for the United States Air Force. It wasn't a career I choose but I decided to give it my all. It was a difficult lifestyle change,all of a sudden I had to do my own laundry, wake up on my own, I felt I was alone. I didn't understand what was going on. I thought it was the worst decision I every made. I was not happy with having to wake up at 4am. After my training in San Antonio which lasted a total of 21 weeks I had received my orders to Germany where I would provide security and law enforcement for a military installation. I was excited, I finally got what I wanted which was to travel and see another country something I never did. I felt like I was accomplishing something.
Excited for the new adventure I found myself in, I felt like everything was going as it should. When I arrived in Germany I wasn't sure what to expect. As the days went by I still had not made any friends I didn't go out of my dorm room besides going to the store and my coworkers didn't really acknowledged me. I eventually became good friends with some guys from work and they took me out, being in Germany the drinking age was 16 so alcohol was available to me and being in another country away from your family alcohol seem like the perfect way to socialize. Alcohol opened up a door to friends and fun times, so I thought. As I started to become a binge drinker I stopped calling my family and friends and everything was about me and I looked forward to the weekends. Work was easy until my superiors started to expect more from me and I didn't want responsibility. Work started getting out of hand when my coworkers started joking around with me calling me names. Later, it led to insults and at first it didn't bother me but after awhile I started to get depressed and I would do a great job of hiding it. After a while my depression started affecting my work and I no longer smiled and I didn't talk. Furthermore, I would go home and drink until I couldn't feel. My drinking progressed as my motivation to work decreased and I was no longer happy with my life I felt like I was going no where. My supervisors started noticing my behavior change and decided to reach out to me but the way I saw it was they were getting in my business and I didn't want their help. I wanted to stay isolated. I was drowning in my own misery I lost myself, my goals, my family nothing mattered. I just wanted to die and the world seemed cruel. I was diagnosed with major depression, I had my weapon taken away and for a military cop having your weapon taken away is a big deal. I didn't want to listen to anybody. I hated myself and everyone. I blamed everyone at work for my depression and I threw my tantrums.
I was put on medication to get better and it started helping. I was put to work in a back office job where my coworkers loved me and I seemed to be getting better. After awhile I noticed I was doing well but I didn't want to feel happy I wanted everyone to feel sorry for me and wanted them to be next to me. I quickly got what I wanted and realized I was constantly watched. So I acted like everything was going good and I stayed away from alcohol. Once I had the attention away I went back to my old ways and started drinking. Every time I drank I ended up getting all emotional and the people I drank with had to be on a constant watch over me to make sure I didn't do anything I said I was going to do. I would go around lying to my coworkers and doctors telling them everything is going great but I wouldn't make it sounds like I was getting better because I liked not having responsibility I liked the back office job so in order to stay where I was I acted like I wasn't getting better. My commander eventually saw threw my little game and called for a medical evaluation. I had to see a different doctor who ask me questions of all sorts. I later found out these questions would determine whether or not I was able to stay in the military. I was scared because I didn't want lo leave I wanted to stay in the military but the doctors didn't think that it was for me. I was once again hospitalized and I was officially broken, lost. I found myself in that hospital as I looked at the mirror and saw my reflection and I asked my self what I was doing in the situation. That moment in my life I grew up. I looked back at all my decisions and at all the things that brought me here. I could not believe how immature and stupid I had been. All along I made bad decisions because I was unhappy with myself and I was trying to be someone I wasn't. I was trying to please others instead of myself. I finally made peace with the fact that getting out of the military is not the end of the world. I learned from all my mistakes and in a way I was glad. For the first in my life I knew that everything was going to be alright and I changed. I was more aware of everything around me and of how every decision I made did not only affect me but my coworkers.
Life takes us threw obstacles and its up to us to go threw them. We learn from our mistakes and we grow from them. This experience had changed my life and helped me grow into someone confident and reasonable. Knowing that I can overcome such a challenge has helped me see what I am capable of accomplishing. Its the mistakes we make that help us grow into adults.
Ok, overall good job! Your essay tells a very significant story.
Although there might be some slight mistakes to be noticed.
Have you ever had a moment where you sit and ask yourself who am I?
-> Have you ever had a moment when you sit and ask yourself who you are.
Everybody goes on their -> his own journey to find out who they are -> he is and what is their -> his reason for being a human or living . It can become a struggle for a teenager growing into an adult. At one point in my life I believed I knew exactly what I was going to do with my life.
Senior year in high school, college is the next step. At the time I didn't qualify for financial aid and unfortunately my family did not have the money to pay for my education. Therefore, I did what a young adolescent would do, I enlisted in the United States Air Force.
-> While college is the next step for a senior in high school, I chosed to enlist in the USAF. I think the long version above can be rewritten as short as this so you won't have to show your personal stuff. Be concise and smart.
As I got on the plane said -> saying good bye
It wasn't a career I choose -> chose
thought it was the worst decision I every -> ever made
My commander eventually saw threw -> through
A few sentences need commas. Others are pretty long that need to be separated into 2 shorter sentences. "As the days went by I still had not made any friends . I didn't go out of my dorm room besides going to the store and my coworkers didn't really acknowledged me"
Let's put this in italics or quotation marks:
Have you ever had a moment where you sit and ask yourself, who am I? -------This is nice because the sentence and the italicized part both are questions, so the question mark looks nice.
Everybody goes on their own journey to find out who they are and what is their reason for being. Starting to get preachy here.
It Life can become a struggle for a teenager growing into an adult.
At one point in my life During senior year, I believed I knew exactly what I was going to do with my life.
Senior year in high school, college is the next step. At the time I didn't qualify for financial aid, and unfortunately my family ...
Use a colon here:
Therefore, I did what a young adolescent would do: I enlisted in the United States Air Force.----------Without a colon it is a run on sentence.
Again, run on sentence:
I had no idea what I was getting into I just hoped I could make something of myself and prove to everyone that I am somebody.-divide into 2 sentences.
As I got on the plane said good bye to all my friends and family for the last time I felt scared of what the future was to bring to me. Too much, this repeats an idea already given.
Careful here:
Life takes us threw through obstacles, and its...
up to us to go threw through them.
Your reflection and thoughtfulness... very impressive! Now, as you revise, do what I was doing above, and give the same messages in fewer words. Do not include extra sentences. Make it sleek. :-)
