"Enrich the environment at the University"- a 200 words admission essay

Hello. Can you give me any advice?

< Describe how you plan to enrich the environment at the LDS Church University you hope to attend, and how you will contribute back to your family, community and the Church upon leaving this school. >

As a student from Korea, I will bring my unique cultural, social background and thinking to BYU; I'm eager to listen to and understand other students' thoughts. Also, I plan to help students who learn Korean and Japanese, sharing how I studied languages by myself in Internet. I look forward to share my optimism and open-minded personality with people around me. Besides, with much diligence and dedication, I will participate in a variety of Latter-day Saint activities.

Upon leaving BYU, I will continue to make every effort to be a competent electrical engineer who is needed by our society. A new developed technology from a single, competent engineer can become an opportunity to change the entire society, like the examples of cars, semiconductors, and computers. I will do my best to be an engineer who can create the added values, which result in essential outcome that could save the lives of over 10,000 people.

Great job, Mirela!

I see a typo, though:

I look forward to sharing my...

A new developed technology from a single, competent engineer can become an opportunity to change the entire society. like the examples of cars, semiconductors, and computers. ---I think the end of this sentence should be omitted. The examples are too simplistic and unnecessary.

I will do my best to be an engineer who can create the added values, which result in essential outcome that could save the lives of over 10,000 people. At the end here, the meaning is unclear. It seems like you are saying something very general. Can you end the essay by saying something specific about recent books and articles you have read to pursue your interest in engineering?

:-)