"Enrolled in a ballet class" - Stanford roommate supplement!

I really want to go to Stanford and will do anything to improve! please give me helpful suggestions.

The prompt is Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.

Back in the day when I was little menace to society, my mother enrolled me in a ballet class, fully equipped with the pinks tights, tutus and ballet slippers. As soon as the teacher instructed the class to get in tune with their inner ballerina, I took off my tutu and strutted out the door. Asserting my independence at the young age of six was a harder task than I imagined. I never thought that going out on my own would include parading around in dance studio wearing every shade of pink imaginable. You see, while my mother wanted me to find my niche in the dancing world, I was more concerned with following my brothers around. I yearned to be the girl who knew how to throw a curve ball and could recite the full lineup of the New York Yankees. I spent ages six to twelve fighting to separate myself from the color pink. When that never happened, I promised to myself that I would never try to be like one of the boys. I was going to be that strong and independent girl who had the courage to stand up to that wacky ballerina teacher. Now, at seventeen, I am that girl who can play a game of basketball while sporting five inch heels. I have created my own niche in society; one fitted for independent women who can surprise the world at every unexpected corner. So roomie, are you ready to experience my niche?

I feel like the first thing you are going to do when you see your roommate is give her a black eye.

I like the way you started this, but it also seems a little cliche because every other girl and their cousin is like 'one of the boys'

Maybe somehow you can make it a little more unique. Like, replace the mentioning of wanting to be a boy to something else...

I agree with whomp, it just seems like you are a little aggressive and that might raise questions in admissions. However, I feel like this does show what kind of person you are. To me, you seem like a tom-boy who probably has more friends who are guys than girls, and knows how to defend herself.

One thing you should think of is "is this the side of me that I want really want admissions to see?"
You seem aggressive, yet motivated and determined. If you feel like the latter stands out more than your OK, but to me i think you need to adjust it a little.

Also, I'd be careful with roomie, not sure if it's an actual word.

All in all, you do give readers the sense that they know what kind of person you are, but just make sure your giving them the right impression.

ok, I definitely see what you two are saying. I guess to me, it doesn't seem that way, but to other people it probably does. Soooo, I made very very very few minor changes that i think helped.

tell me what you think

I think you should cut this sentence right out. It is confusing, and the essay is fine without it. :-)

I have created my own niche in society -- one fitted for independent women who can surprise the world at every unexpected corner. ---------------dash, not semi-colon. Google them to find out the way to use them.

This is pretty cool!

Now, at seventeen, I am that girl who can play a game of basketball while sporting five inch heels.

If I were you, I'd tinker with that sentence so it doesn't sound like you're playing basketball whilst wearing said heels. Unless you actually can do that, which would probably make you the best basketball player I've ever seen.

But other than that, you have a pretty solid essay. I don't know how original it is because I'm not an admissions officer, but it sounded pretty fresh to me.