Entrance of Pharmacy School Essay (need to make briefer)

Please send your thoughts. Writing is not one of my strongest suits.

I am trying to explain that I chose pharmacy as a career because there are many roles available as a pharmacist. I also feel like my opening sentence is too original (this is not my opening paragraph for the essay).

What do you think? I dare you :)

My goal is to continue my role in the field of pharmacy by advancing my studies so that I am able to serve more. Like most curious and conscious consumers I like to know the mechanism of action, the indication, the side effects, behind the brand they are consuming. Thus, I look forward to the constant challenge of keeping up with current literature and being able to summarize it in a useful manner. I have the spirit of keeping an open mind and I think it's crucial to maintain this through all of my experiences. The possibilities are endless in the pharmacy field and I want to explore the options so that I'm able to choose the field that best fits me. I acquired the qualities to handle the responsibilities in the community retail pharmacy setting. Although I also see myself sharing my knowledge academically like serving as a mentor to student pharmacists and residents.

My goal is to continue my role in the field of pharmacy by while advancing my studies so that doors of opportunity will open to me. Many roles that can be played by a pharmacist in the 21st century, but I am especially interested in helping people to make educated decisions about their health. Like most curious and conscientious consumers, I like to know the mechanisms of action, the indication, and the side effects associated with the brands that I consume. Thus, I look forward ...

This deserves to have its own paragraph:
The possibilities are endless in the pharmacy field, and I want to explore the all options so that ...

Maybe for a beginning sentence you could say: I want to serve more. In order to do so...etcetc

Like (try to avoid starting sentences with like) most curious and conscious consumers I like to know the mechanism of action, the indication, the side effects, ( of the ) brand they are consuming.

Thus, I look forward to the constant challenge of keeping up with current literature and being able to summarize it in a useful (faulty diction) manner. (keeping up with current literature shouldn't be a challenge because it is far less difficult than past literature)

I have the spirit of keeping an open mind and I think it's crucial to maintain this through all of my experiences. (I am open minded, and believe it is crucial to maintain ...)

The possibilities are endless in the pharmacy field and I want to explore the options so that I'm able to choose the field that best fits me. (I want to explore the endless possibilities in the pharmacy field, in hopes of finding the field that best fits me)

I acquired the qualities to handle the responsibilities in the community retail pharmacy setting.

Although, I also see myself sharing my knowledge academically like serving as a mentor to student pharmacists and residents. (shouldn't use the word 'like' , sounds a bit funny, could be reworded)

it'd be best if this essay had your own voice, it sounds a bit forced, it doesnt feel like it's sincere, not very flowy. goodluck!

Ha ha, hello Olivia, I remember your funny username from last year some time... nice to see you again.

thank you!
I also feel that my essay needs to flow and sound more sincere. I just don't know how to make it sound more flowy. Any suggestions? I feel like I'm just writing down thoughts. I need a lot more work done on the rest of this essay.

Thanks again you guys helped so much.

Yes! You are ready to catch the trick of good writing. You need to have a PURPOSE for what you are writing. A famous essay by Thoreau is not something he tried to muster up to accommodate an essay prompt; he had something he wanted to say! So, you must begn with something you WANT to say.

I look to see your purpose, "My goal is to continue my role in the field of pharmacy by advancing my studies so that I am able to serve more." ... but this is not a goal... this is just a general direction. Your goal is probably fascinating. What is important, what do you want to achieve as a professional?

You have to decide what you want to do with life... think big. When you have an inspired idea, it'll be easy to write an essay about it. Even if your real goal has little to do with pharmacy... let the reader in on your secret, your vision for the future.