Hey just looking for some feedback on this Common Application essay
I'm sure there are plenty of grammar and mechanics errors but dont let that distract you guys completely from giving advice on other aspects.
Thank you so much
Serenity in Entropy
When I close my eyes I can hear each chaotic splash of falling rain on the roof of my car. I can't count them but I can her each one.
My friend rolls his head around to face me and we exchange sly grins acknowledging how surreal the moment is without cutting it short by a clear cut declaration. Our worries about the standardized test scheduled tomorrow morning and the impending doom of potential college separation are enveloped into the storms clouds and erased.
I watch through unfocused eyes as droplets of water slide around the foggy windshield, distorting houses and bending trees behind it. I anticipate each moment that my blurry scene explodes with light and every muscle in my body tenses as the clouded heavens are torn in two by a lightning bolt. The final track on the CD seems to discern the environment outside the confines of the car and aligns itself with it, narrating the storming clouds and welcoming each thunder shake like a well timed improvisation.
The ticking car roof and the booming sky follow no sheet music. They play a song conducted by nature, run on randomness. I've been listening to this song on and off for my whole life and I still can't predict its twists and turns. After we moved out of my house with the tin roof when I was in fourth grade my ears had to strain to hear the complexities and nuances put in play by storming skies. It wasn't quite the same listening to Beethoven through shingle ear muffs but on my sixteenth birthday I was given my own personal theater, perfect for listening to rain dance and watching the sky tear itself apart.
If I'm frustrated the storm yells for me. If I'm calm the storm puts me to sleep. Occasionally I'll take a friend to watch the show with me but for the most part I sit through storms alone with a mind caught in a paradoxical superpostioned state of pure clarity and of a dissonant symphony of new thoughts mimicking the anarchy exhibited by the storm.
My mother has for years been assailing me with serenity prayers and advice on presence of mind but her soft voice has never quite had the fearsome power of a thunderstorm; don't tell her that. All it takes is twenty minutes spent in my car soaking up everything except the actual rainfall from a storm to wash away all the debilitating ideas and ambitions ricocheting around in my head. The consistent disorder that I witness in the falling rain and the unpredictable thunderclaps soothe the disorder that I am battling in my mind. It clears away the competing mental voices trying to persuade me to do all sorts of things-ranging from rollerblading into my pool to finally writing my application essays- leaving my mind as clear as the celestial vault after one of these enlightening squalls.
It takes all my strength to break away from the now slow rolling beads of rain and the worn out clouds.
My mind is devoid of anxiety or concern for the future. I am not ignorant to the future and the prospects it presents but instead do as my mother and nature have been commanding and fully submerge myself in the present. This outlook allows me to bring original and refreshing ideas into my art and music as well as my school work and all of the ambitions that were previously overwhelming me.
I'm sure there are plenty of grammar and mechanics errors but dont let that distract you guys completely from giving advice on other aspects.
Thank you so much
Serenity in Entropy
When I close my eyes I can hear each chaotic splash of falling rain on the roof of my car. I can't count them but I can her each one.
My friend rolls his head around to face me and we exchange sly grins acknowledging how surreal the moment is without cutting it short by a clear cut declaration. Our worries about the standardized test scheduled tomorrow morning and the impending doom of potential college separation are enveloped into the storms clouds and erased.
I watch through unfocused eyes as droplets of water slide around the foggy windshield, distorting houses and bending trees behind it. I anticipate each moment that my blurry scene explodes with light and every muscle in my body tenses as the clouded heavens are torn in two by a lightning bolt. The final track on the CD seems to discern the environment outside the confines of the car and aligns itself with it, narrating the storming clouds and welcoming each thunder shake like a well timed improvisation.
The ticking car roof and the booming sky follow no sheet music. They play a song conducted by nature, run on randomness. I've been listening to this song on and off for my whole life and I still can't predict its twists and turns. After we moved out of my house with the tin roof when I was in fourth grade my ears had to strain to hear the complexities and nuances put in play by storming skies. It wasn't quite the same listening to Beethoven through shingle ear muffs but on my sixteenth birthday I was given my own personal theater, perfect for listening to rain dance and watching the sky tear itself apart.
If I'm frustrated the storm yells for me. If I'm calm the storm puts me to sleep. Occasionally I'll take a friend to watch the show with me but for the most part I sit through storms alone with a mind caught in a paradoxical superpostioned state of pure clarity and of a dissonant symphony of new thoughts mimicking the anarchy exhibited by the storm.
My mother has for years been assailing me with serenity prayers and advice on presence of mind but her soft voice has never quite had the fearsome power of a thunderstorm; don't tell her that. All it takes is twenty minutes spent in my car soaking up everything except the actual rainfall from a storm to wash away all the debilitating ideas and ambitions ricocheting around in my head. The consistent disorder that I witness in the falling rain and the unpredictable thunderclaps soothe the disorder that I am battling in my mind. It clears away the competing mental voices trying to persuade me to do all sorts of things-ranging from rollerblading into my pool to finally writing my application essays- leaving my mind as clear as the celestial vault after one of these enlightening squalls.
It takes all my strength to break away from the now slow rolling beads of rain and the worn out clouds.
My mind is devoid of anxiety or concern for the future. I am not ignorant to the future and the prospects it presents but instead do as my mother and nature have been commanding and fully submerge myself in the present. This outlook allows me to bring original and refreshing ideas into my art and music as well as my school work and all of the ambitions that were previously overwhelming me.