Unanswered [6] / Urgent [0] / SERVICES
  

Undergraduate   Posts: 3

Essay about the environment I was raised in and how it shaped me as a person.


amanda_sauce 1 / 1  
Oct 14, 2018   #1
I understand what the prompt is asking for I just don't feel that I am able to communicate how my community/neighborhood was apart of how i was raised. If anyone could please give their insight and advice as to how I could improve this essay, thanks!!

edit 1+2 : grammar errors that I just could not ignore
Topic A Essay Prompt: What was the environment in which you were raised? Describe your family, home, neighborhood, or community, and explain how it has shaped you as a person.

Throughout my life, I have always been supported by my entire family. As a child of two immigrants, I've been constantly reminded of the troubles my parents faced when they arrived to the US. Their journey, however, was filled with the support of family, friends, and even strangers. With that, they use their experiences to influence me and my sister towards helping others and treating them as equals. Both of my parents stressed the importance of academic success and physical health. With a familial history of poor health and few college graduates, my parents guided me into making healthy choices that would benefit both my physique and mentality and to dedicate my time to studying so that I can complete high school with a decent GPA. Besides that, life at home is more relaxed. Since my parents are divorced, I spend more time with my mom than with my dad. Overall, the atmospheres in their houses are roughly the same. The main difference is what they expect of me. Since my dad has a strong focus with his job, I am expected to follow his house rules that have taught me discipline over time. At my mom's house, I am always helping her around the house so that she does not struggle as much with her other duties as a single mother. Both are strict in terms of doing what they believe is best for me. Nevertheless, I understand where their concern comes from and I hope to satisfy them by living to their standards. Additionally, my parents have recognized the social tensions that have occurred within our nation in the past few years and made it clear that they would support me in any lifestyle that I choose. Because of their encouragement, my pride for my heritage and personal beliefs continue to stay strong. Following my parents divorce, I've grown accustomed to moving from neighborhood to neighborhood. When we all lived together before the divorce, our home was in a nice welcoming middle class neighborhood with aging grandparents and young families like ours to call neighbors. Whenever we hosted any event, we always invited our neighbors to participate which gave me the opportunity to become friends with their kids. Many summer afternoons were spent with them as we rode our bikes around the block or hung out at one of their houses and played indoors. It wasn't until now that I realized how welcomed our family was in that neighborhood and that I greatly appreciate. After the divorce, my parents went their separate ways; my mom moved to a more affordable house while my dad moved between several apartments as they lived paycheck to paycheck. As a kid, I was never able to see the financial struggle they went through because they always kept me and my sister distracted with other things to protect our youth from their personal problems. What I did notice, however, was the differences between the neighborhoods we lived in. Since my dad did not officially settle into a house until just a few years ago, the apartments he lived in were temporary, so we did not have a chance to properly meet and greet any neighbors. The area around my mom's new house was slightly familiar since my uncle lived two houses away from us. Even then, I've never felt as comfortable there as I did with my childhood home. With all the changes I have experienced, I learned to become more social by joining team sports and making new friends at school. The drop in my family's social status never damaged how I perceived the world; it only strengthened my need to fulfill my ambitions to live a better life. My admiration for my parents continues to give me the strength I need to pursue my life's aspirations. Despite those changes, I never felt afflicted by the decisions my parents had to make to give me and my sister a positive future. Combined, my parents' principles of strength, discipline, and support will guide me into pursuing an ethical career.

Holt [Contributor] - / 7,181 1785  
Oct 15, 2018   #2
Amanda, the truth is, the essay is very clear in terms of your description and discussion of every aspect / topic provided in the essay. The main problem that I see is that you did not divide the essay into the proper topic paragraphs that would have helped with the clarity and coherence of the presentation. You may want to divide the paragraphs into topics instead of stringing them together into a single, lengthy paragraph presentation as you do now.

If I were to ask you to remove any aspect of this essay, it would be the part where you indicated that your parents would be supportive of any lifestyle that you choose. Since you do not appear to be "coming out" to the reviewer, that single sentence is misplaced and lacks discussion depth in terms of explaining something about you to the reviewer. Aside from that sentence, the whole essay just needs formatting adjustments in order to make it work better. At least, that is my opinion of your work.
OP amanda_sauce 1 / 1  
Oct 16, 2018   #3
@Holt Thanks for taking the time to read this, I really appreciate it!


Home / Undergraduate / Essay about the environment I was raised in and how it shaped me as a person.