"My Epiphany" - Yale Engineering supplement

Someone, anyone please help me make this better.
Prompt: If you selected one of the engineering majors, please write a brief third essay telling us what has led you to an interest in this field of study, what experiences (if any) you have had in engineering, and what it is about Yale's engineering program that appeals to you.

My Epiphany
I am 9 years old; I hear the lunch bell and shrug out of contempt for its ability to drag me back to class without my consent, like a pin pulled to a magnet. I look up and feel the summer breeze hit my face, keeping my eyelids from closing shut. My friend Ben, across the table, continues his rant on the black power ranger's superiority over the red power ranger's redundant one line clichés (even though he is clearly wrong). Out of urgency I leave poor Ben to dwell in his state of delirium and rush back to class.

I rush through the door with two friends behind me and see my classmates fettered to their seats with blank faces, awaiting the teacher's instruction with the intent of blind obedience. At the instant I sit down, Mr. Owusu screams in his usual reverberating tone "Today we're going to play a game; well... it's more of a competition than a game". We look at each other with what seemed to be fear, but also anticipation. He then attempts to comfort us by saying "don't be scared, I promise it'll be fun" but can't escape the thunder in his voice. He continues "Ok this is how it's going to work, we're going take our planned quiz and the top three scorers will come in front of the class and battle for the title of mathematics champion, doesn't that sound good?" There is some argument but he still passes out the quiz. He rapidly grades our quizzes after we're done and walks to the front of the class and calls out the names. "Ok, the three highest scorers are Ben, Jessica, and Gracious". I was shocked and I tried to conceal my elation, but I couldn't stop smiling. I walk up and face my classmates and with fear I wait for the first question. He asks "There are 54 pencils in each box. How many pencils are in 7 boxes?" I quickly shut my eyes and think "Ok Gracious what should you do, if 6 times 7 is 42, then 60 times 7 is 420, and if I subtract 42 from 420 then I get. . ." I opened my eyes and screamed 378. Apparently I answered this question in less than 2 seconds and my classmates stared at me with their mouths agape and faces shocked.

Ever since I was a child I cowered in the comfort of logic and mathematics, I held a zeal for mathematics and problem solving. When I realized that the field of engineering harnessed this talent and my gift I clung to it with a child like alacrity and never let go. To glimpse the reality of engineering I participated in the Architecture Construction and Engineering mentor program under Bechtel Corporation and I loved it. Yale's professors hold my passion for engineering and mathematics. The way they speak of Johannes Kepler, Niels Bohr, Micheal Faraday, and Einstein reveals a zeal for science and mathematics that they could never escape. When I imagine the knowledge and challenge waiting for me at Yale I realize that I will never escape my love for science and mathematics.

Overall GREAT ESSAY, It was really good and I think the following suggestions would help make your essay even stronger. Good Luck and plz edit my essays too, THX.

At the instant I sit, down Mr. Owusu (add a comma after sit)

seemed to be fear, but also anticipation (add a comma after fear)

There is responsesome argument but,

Ok, the three... (add a comma after OK)

my elation, but I couldn't (add a comma after elation)

fear I wait

7 is 42, then 60 times 7 is 420, and if I subtract 42 from 420 then I get (add commas after 42 and 420

Apparently I reached this response ----> reword to: I apparently answered the question

I stared at the faces of my classmates with their mouths agape and faces shocked ---> reword to: my classmates stared at me with their mouths agape and their faces shocked

I was a child, I cowered in the comfort (add a comma after child)


---> change the comma after mathematics to a period and change the word held to have because it shouws continum in your intrests

my gift, I clung (add a comma after gift


---> reword to: To better understand the reality of

underthroughthe Bechtel Corporation

I don't think the

and I loved it

part is really necessary, because the fact that you even did it already shows a great deal of intrest on your part

When I imagine the vast fountain of knowledge and various challengesa waiting for me at Yale, I realize that I will also never escape my love for science and mathematics. (add a comma afyer Yale)

Does anyone have any citiques for this essay

if u post this essay again with the critiques that the previous person put in then i will edit the new version. it seems conterproductive for me to edit your old draft

Thanks em2always