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An event that has impacted your life. (NCF)



anyafloris 1 / 3  
Jan 20, 2010   #1
Hi there, I'm applying to New College of Florida (exclusively, so this is an important essay!!) for my undergrad and I really wanted some feedback/outsider opinions. I'm happy with the majority of the essay, but I sometimes have a hard time distinguishing the right direction to go in with writing - especially according to what a liberal (very liberal) arts college is looking for. So, here it is... All of it is true, just in case you were wondering!

I am going to Japan. Though I graduated from high school with the same college-bound gusto as the majority of my peers, I ultimately made the decision to take a year off of school. I chose to look to my passion for language and where it all started - Japan. I joined the forces of working America and as a secretary, a personal assistant, and a nanny, I built up my funds. Now, armed with some useful life skills and a plane ticket, I am anticipating more than ever, March 1st when I will take off to spend two months learning, exploring, and growing in Kyoto, Japan.

Japan intrigues me. It strikes me as a country of great beauty, great culture, and great food (although I did not always think so). I was turning six years old the first time my mother coaxed me into trying the most minuscule bite of raw salmon. It was my birthday, so I was feeling bold and grown up. As soon as the slimy, squishy bit of fish hit my tongue, I promptly ran outside to spit it out on the sidewalk. But my first taste of sushi was to be no indicator of how I now feel about Japan. When I turned eight years old, I began listening to Japanese pop music day and night, quickly falling in love with the sounds and characters of the three Japanese alphabets. Through Japanese, I discovered my passion for all things linguistic. Fluency in French would follow, along with studies in Russian, Mandarin, Spanish, and most recently Arabic.

The decision to go to Japan was a natural one, but the more I thought about the reality of organizing such a trip, the more overwhelmed I became. Where will I go? Technology-crazed Tokyo? Nagoya? Sapporo? Osaka? With so many choices, I finally settled on breathtakingly beautiful Kyoto for its harmonious combination of old style Ochaya (tea houses) and fresh, young university culture. But where to stay? How long to stay? What will I do with my time? Though I did my research and decided that two months would be a perfectly bearable amount of time away from home, the rest of my worries were quickly addressed when I re-established contact with my old Japanese teacher, Kazuko. We had exchanged lessons over Skype many times and I was very fond of her. I informed her of my travel plans and asked if she thought I could visit while I was in the country. She said of course, but where was I staying so that she could tell me how far away I would be. I told her that I hadn't been able to find much in the way of inexpensive lodging yet, but I knew I wanted to be in Kyoto. She giggled and then said very seriously: "Anya, I live in Kyoto. My daughter has gotten married and I have an extra room in my house. Would you like to stay with me and my husband while you are in Japan?" Ecstatic and hopeful, I accepted her gracious offer and began to save and plan for the trip itself. Now, as the day nears, I am faced with what I will do with myself throughout my two month stay in Kyoto.

My first thought about activities and accomplishments in Japan is, of course, language study. Immersion is the number one, most effective way to learn a language and that is exactly what I intend to do - immerse myself in everyday Japan and talk to just about everyone I see. Another exciting aspect of this journey is Kazuko's interest in English. She is 55 years old and studies English every spare moment she has and teaches English to students at a cram school. A cram school is a quintessentially Japanese facility. They were created because of the high importance placed on testing by Japanese universities. Kazuko's students are only in middle school, yet they spend extra time outside of their regular schooling to improve in subjects that will appear on standardized tests. Kazuko has arranged for me to attend some of her classes as a guest teacher from America. Kazuko and I will also spend a lot of time exploring her home city which she has lived in her whole life and never really gotten a chance to see. I plan to film a good portion of my two months in hope of editing the footage into a documentary delving into Kyoto's new and old aspects, as well as the people, places, and food!

I don't think anything will truly be able to prepare me for two months in Japan on my own. I am curious about how this trip will change my views and outlook - as a person and as a member of our global community. I am also anticipating the invaluable head-start into complete Japanese fluency. There is everything to be said for determination, patience, and hard work - you can achieve dreams in the very literal sense.

I am going to Japan.

rrrL - / 1  
Jan 20, 2010   #2
I really enjoyed reading your essay, but I have a few suggestions.

"Japan intrigues me. It strikes me as a country of great beauty, great culture, and great food (although I did not always think so). " I think you should merge these two sentences.

Your sentence, "She said of course, but where was I staying so that she could tell me how far away I would be." try changing to, "She agreed and asked where I would be staying..."

I hope that helps! (:
OP anyafloris 1 / 3  
Jan 22, 2010   #4
If anyone has any other comments - it would be much appreciated - I have to turn in my application!!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Jan 23, 2010   #5
armed with some useful life skills and a plane ticket

excellent!

I joined the forces of working America, and as a secretary, a personal assistant, and a nanny, I built up my funds.

use a comma when it is a compound sentence:
We had exchanged lessons over Skype many times, and I was very fond of her.

Speaking of compounding things, I think the way to improve this essay is to compound it. add a secondary theme that will make it about more than the anticipation of the trip. I love the way you express openness to changes that will take place within you; so, discuss your aspirations a little more as you revise the essay. Make it so that the essay is about the trip, as it already is, but also the trip could perhaps be compared with a trip into adulthood and career that is occurring now, and show that you have specific plans. You an use a theme of exploration and self-exploration...
OP anyafloris 1 / 3  
Jan 23, 2010   #6
Thanks so much - that's excellent advice. I was trying to figure out some way to make it a little more meaningful since it is such a big event in my life and that's just perfect.

Thanks again. :]


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