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EVERYONE NEEDS TO TRAVEL THE GLOBE



kitkat 4 / 6  
Jan 13, 2016   #1
I feel as though I wrote a strong piece but not totally sure if I achieve everything the prompt is asking. This is an essay prompt for an honors college I am apply at and would really appreciate all the help I could get! Thank you!

Question:The university is a multicultural society, where numerous ethnicities, traditions and religions coexist. Describe your current multicultural world including your cultural history and background. Then explain how you would like to expand that world to achieve a greater multicultural life. To broaden the diversity of your future self, what experiences would you like to have? What places would you like to visit? What people would you like to meet? Please be as specific as possible.

Every person has their own perception of thought, a unique set of goals and ambitions, and their own morals and standards at which they live by. The person we strive to become is fashioned by our experiences, background, and most importantly, our culture. In today's society, our experiences and culture plays a larger role than it ever has before. Personally, my cultural background and experiences have made a huge impact on the goals and ambitions that I strive to complete in the future. Both my mother and my father reside from outside of the United States. My mother was born and raised in Slovenia. I have come to learn, that Slovenia is typically unfamiliar to majority of civilians I have come to encounter. It is a small alpine country sited in Central Europe that was once under the control of Yugoslavia. Although the country is surrounded by many other cultures from places such as Italy and Hungary, Slovenia has a very unique culture that is unlike any other I have learned or come to experienced. The traditional foods, language, and overall attitudes of the people are just a few of the distinctive qualities within the country. My father on the other hand, resides from a small town in Italy. Growing up, my father was given the opportunity to live parts of his life in Italy and other parts in the United States. From this, my father's cultural influences come from a combination of two very different countries and have greatly impacted who he has become today. Currently we are living in a world of diversity and mixed cultures. My background has presented me with the opportunity to travel the world, learn new languages, have exposer to many different customs, cultures, and religions, and most importantly allowed me to develop into the person I am today.

Both sides of my family descend from Central Europe and still to this day most of my family currently resides in Italy or Slovenia. In fact, my parents, sister, and I are amongst the only members of our family who live in the United States. Because of this, my parents have taken it upon themselves and found it incumbent that my sister and I were exposed to our homelands and the culture held within them. As a result, I have been traveling the globe ever since I can remember. Every summer my family and I travel back to Slovenia and Italy to visit our family for two months. During this exertion, we also manage to branch out and travel to at least one new country. At the mere age of seventeen, I have already traveled to over a dozen countries including Turkey, Holland, France, Costa Rica, and Germany. Having been able to travel to a variety of countries has allowed me to experience new customs and religions that significantly differ from mine. My world travels have allowed me to grow and develop to be open-minded, which I personally find is a quality that is hard to find in today's society.

Along with my travels and family background, I was able to learn an additional language in a way that is unique to the traditional class room education setting. My grandfather never had the opportunity to learn the English language. This developed a language barrier between us. The only way to overcome this barrier was to learn the language myself. This resulted in my parents shipping me off to attend a two-week long program in Slovenia to develop and build speaking and grammar skills of the Slovene language while also learning about the culture, customs, and geography. Initially, I was not so fond of this idea and the thought of being alone with a weak understanding of the native language did not intrigue me, but in the end I actually had the time of my life. I loved it so much that I was able to partake in this program for three additional years under an awarded scholarship. This camp has had one of the biggest impacts on my life for multiple reasons. Most importantly being that it gave me the opportunity to learn a language and have an ability to communicate with my family. I also made friendships that will last me a lifetime. I have been blessed with friends from Belgium, Macedonia, France, Indonesia, Germany, Portugal, Canada and even a few from the USA. It is a great fortune and honor to have friends from all around the world and be able to communicate with them on a daily base through social media.

My experiences with the various communities around the world have inspired me to want to continue and expand on my exposer to different places and setting around the world. Seeing as though I have spent a majority of my travel experiences within Europe and parts of South America, I would like to one day to be able to take the opportunity to travel to areas within Asia. Japan, Philippines, and Thailand are just a few of the locations that I hope to one day be able to their customs, cultures, and religions first handedly. Asian culture is unalike many of the cultural that I have had the opportunity to be exposed too. In addition to traveling, I would hope to one day be able to meet extravagant leaders and role models such as The Pope. Being Roman Catholic, The Pope not only embodies a high position within my religion, but he has also been able to inspire me through his moralistic teachings and motive of inspiration. Given the opportunity to meet The Pope would allow me to become more knowledgeable in myself, my family, and most importantly my religious beliefs. Lastly, along with my passion to continue with my travels and to meet inspirational leaders, my experiences have also stirred me to want to spend a portion of my college education studying abroad.

Our world is packed with diversity. Culture is ever changing and adapting as our society continues to diversify which is why it is imperative to broaden your horizons yourself. Through my cultural exchanges, I was able to gain a significant amount of knowledge that I would have never learned in history class. I thank my travel experiences for the person I am today, for without I do not think I would have become. Words are not even able to express how much my culture and travels have had an impact on me, and that is why I highly encourage people to travel. Go on an adventure, try intriguing foods, meet interesting people and allow yourself to be mind-boggled. And when you come back, you are going to see how you have developed a completely new perspective. You are going to see things differently. You will develop a sense of globalization. You will learn lessons that you would never be able to learn from a book. When traveling, the opportunities someone is presented with when traveling are endless. Travel and exposer are the key to achieving a greater multicultural life. So, allow yourself to take a step back from the hustle and bustle and take the opportunity to emulsify yourself into the world around you.

vangiespen - / 4077  
Jan 14, 2016   #2
Kat, let's just say that you were ble to more than deliver on the prompt requirements. The long essay really hit all of the marks provided by the prompt in the most complete manner as possible. I am just worried that the essay is not as concise / summarized as it should be. It seems to be a bit long to read and that could adversely affect the ability of the reviewer to finish reading your essay. Is there a word count that you should be sticking to? I think that you can really shorten the essay in order to make it more effective.

For example, you don't really need that descriptive interpretation of a multicultural society in the opening paragraph. When you are dealing with an academic tutor who only has a limited amount of time to spend reading each student essay, you should make sure that you catch his interest right off the bat by presenting an immediate response to the question. So open the essay with reference to where your family originally hails form instead. You don't need to go into the specific countries that your parents hail from. Your multicultural world is actually the combination of the two worlds of your parents that you experienced for 2 months every summer. So bring the discussion to that focal point as soon as you can. Hopefully, you can do that in the first paragraph.

The rest of the essay ends on a a very strong note so I won't be worried about that if I were you. Shall we consider this essay a work in progress and assume that there will be changes coming along from your end that can help to better enhance the content of the paper? I think there is still room for growth and finalization in the essay. We just have to work on it.


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