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"Everything happens for a reason." Helping Others


aceq 2 / 12 1  
Jan 1, 2013   #1
Grammar is not the best. Harsh feedback please!! Suggestions.
1. St. Ignatius of Loyola, founder of the Society of Jesus, encouraged his followers to live their lives in the service of others. How do you plan to serve others in your future endeavors?

"Americanos!" a young Dominican boy said pointing to my classmates and me as we walked into the classroom ready to begin our lesson. Each student smiled widely and enthusiastically, eager to get to know the foreigners who would be teaching them English. My classmates and I interacted with them, teaching them the basics such as azul is blue and counting numbers from 1 to 25. Their smiles, a sincere gesture of their gratitude, instilled in me a warm satisfaction. A few of this children resided in the orphanage I was staying at where we spent our time playing with them. All they wanted from us was to play with them, nothing else, just thirty minutes of my attention. Attention that meant the world to them.

After this trip my drive for providing service to to others, grew deeper in me, and as a result I decided to become more involved in the community service program at my school. Furthermore, I will continue my involvement in service throughout my future endeavors in and beyond college. The experience I had during my time in the Dominican Republic strengthened my desire to pursue a career that will afford me an opportunity to make a change. To provide those who face challenges such as access to an education and basic necessities a chance to have those "luxuries" in their lives. I would love to work for a non-profit organization to bring protection and necessities to those who lack it. It would be a dream come true if I became a UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador or if I could work or intern at the United Nations.

I'm excited to form part of the various programs Boston College has to offer. Through majoring in International Studies at the College of Arts and Sciences and the PULSE Program, helping others will become a possibility. Likewise, the Service Immersion Programs will give me an opportunity to immerse in the culture of the people I encounter while providing them with any services that they need. There are many different kinds of adversity people face whether it's materially, physically, mentally, or emotionally, but one thing is common among them, a helping hand means more than any material thing or money could ever bring them.

mahib42 1 / 2  
Jan 1, 2013   #2
Reflecting on this trip, I realized that not only did the children that I interacted learned from me

Your message was very beautiful, I really loved the opening. Good luck!
Also sorry to not mention this above, but here: Reflecting on this trip, I realized that not only did the children I interacted learned from me, but I learned from them: how happily they lived despite the adversity they faced. I knew everyone faced adversity, including myself, but I faced children who faced even more adversity and challenges than I did. You use the word challenge and adversity a lot, perhaps you could find a synonym, or just tighten up that part, and you'll be golden. (red and gold ged it?) haha sorry I'm going a bit crazy with deadlines.
xphyllisx 6 / 22 1  
Jan 1, 2013   #3
This is really good! The only thing i have to say is focus less on your past actions and more on your future endeavors. Even though, I enjoyed reading about what you did, you hardly speak about what you will do in your future endeavors. I did the same supplement and my English teacher really stressed to me how important it is to be specific about what you plan to do in the future.

My advice keep first paragraph and dedicate your second paragraph to specific details of what you want to do in the future. Your second paragraph doesn't answer the question asked. Maybe speak about Boston College, because they have many problems that would give you the ability to help others so they want you to tell them which ones you would like to be involved in.

Hopefully you understand what Im saying.
OP aceq 2 / 12 1  
Jan 2, 2013   #4
Thank you for the feedback. I listened to your suggestion about staying on topic. How does this work? What do you think about the conclusion and transition between the second and last paragraph?

Pls see below;
alicederp 10 / 56 4  
Jan 2, 2013   #5
An attention that meant the world to them.

I want to continue impacting lives and the College of Arts and Sciences along with the PULSE Program will allow me to do that at Boston College. <-- a bit awkward.

I think overall this is a nicely written essay! Corrections help you stay more on topic so that is good! My suggestion would be to smooth some of your sentences so the flow is better.

Please check out my cornell supplement! Any suggestions or comments are appreciated!
OP aceq 2 / 12 1  
Jan 2, 2013   #6
could you point out some of those awkward sentences. i've been looking at this for so long that i'm just blind to any mistakes. thank you!
alicederp 10 / 56 4  
Jan 2, 2013   #7
"Their smiles, a sincere gesture of their gratitude, instilled in me a warm satisfaction that radiated throughout my body . provided such a sense of satisfaction. "

"After this trip my drive for helping others, for providing service to to others, grew deeper in me, which is why I decided to become even more involved in the community service program at my school and will continue to do so in my future endeavors." <-- too many ideas! Split to two sentences and choose one, either "helping others" or "providing service to others" because both is redundant.

"The experience I had during my time in the Dominican Republic strengthened my desire tojustified why I want to pursue a career that will afford me the opportunity to make a change." <-- I think justified is the wrong word.

I hope I helped!
strwrsfn0013 3 / 15 6  
Jan 2, 2013   #8
A few of this children resided in the orphanage I was staying at where we spent our time playing with them.

It's a run on sentence, and I fear it isn't very clear. I do not know if you are saying you resided in the same orphanage as they did, or that you enjoyed playing with them. You could try separating the two into different sentences.

After this trip my drive for providing service to to others, grew deeper in me, and as a result I decided to become more involved in the community service program at my school

The first comma is pointless, but keep the one before "and". Also "I decided to become more involved in the community service programs at my school. Furthermore, I will continue my involvement in service throughout my future endeavors in and beyond college.

Other than that, I think this is well written!
CTHIMENYOR 1 / 13  
Jan 2, 2013   #9
Americanos!" a young Dominican boy said pointing to my classmates and me as we walked into the classroom ready to begin our lesson. Each student smiled widely and enthusiastically, eager to get to know the foreigners who would be teaching them English.

I was really confuse by the wording here because I couldn't tell who was teaching who English. And also because your "classmates were teaching "students" and those words are very interchangeable.

There are many different kinds of adversity people face whether it's materially, physically, mentally, or emotionally,

You should probably try to re word this sentence

Hope this helps
OP aceq 2 / 12 1  
Jan 2, 2013   #10
CTHIMENYOR

Thank you so much to everyone!!

Do you guys think parts of this essay could work for the Pepperdine Supplement?

Pepperdine University is a Christian university committed to the highest standards of academic excellence and Christian values, where students are strengthened for lives of purpose, service, and leadership. How are you prepared to contribute to Pepperdine's mission and community of faith, learning, and service?
OP aceq 2 / 12 1  
Jan 3, 2013   #11
If you were to write a book about your life, what would be the title? 50 words or less

"Lost in a Fast-Paced World." I have found that I lived life as a robot and have only in the past few years learned to slow down and to find room for God and my family.

"My Life" As simple as that, you will glimpse into the very essence of my soul. It is as real as it gets.

Could you guys also give me an opinion on which one to use.
lornam 3 / 16 3  
Jan 3, 2013   #12
All they wanted from us was to play with them, nothing else, just thirty minutes of my attention.

replace with our - you previously talk about how the kids wanted "us" to play with them, so you have to continue the trend

not only did the children I interacted learned from me

interacted with learn

Being in a private school magnified the different life I had then my peers

do you mean "compared to"?

This trip also brought me closer to God, to thank him through prayer for giving me the life that I have.

the second part of the sentence doesn't really make sense - do you mean something like "and allowed me to thank"?

My drive for providing service to to others

to provide

ands as a result I decided to become even more involved

I strongly believe this trip influenced my drive for providing service to to others and as a result I decided to become even more involved in the community service programs at my school. (a transition word between these sentences, furthermore?)I will continue my involvement throughout and beyond my time at Pepperdine University.

You've already stated this in the previous sentence. There's no need to repeat it.

I really liked your story. Sorry for making so many blunt comments. I hope they help!

Also, for your titles - I'd go with the first one. The point of college essays is to let admissions get to know you a bit, and the second one says absolutely nothing about your personality.
OP aceq 2 / 12 1  
Jan 4, 2013   #13
Thank you for your help!

Others could you please give me feedback. I would really appreciate it.


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