All they wanted from us was to play with them, nothing else, just thirty minutes of my attention.
replace with our - you previously talk about how the kids wanted "us" to play with them, so you have to continue the trend
not only did the children I interacted learned from me
interacted with learn
Being in a private school magnified the different life I had then my peers
do you mean "compared to"?
This trip also brought me closer to God, to thank him through prayer for giving me the life that I have.
the second part of the sentence doesn't really make sense - do you mean something like "and allowed me to thank"?
My drive for providing service to to others
ands as a result I decided to become even more involved
I strongly believe this trip influenced my drive for providing service to to others and as a result I decided to become even more involved in the community service programs at my school. (a transition word between these sentences, furthermore?)I will continue my involvement throughout and beyond my time at Pepperdine University.
You've already stated this in the previous sentence. There's no need to repeat it.
I really liked your story. Sorry for making so many blunt comments. I hope they help!
Also, for your titles - I'd go with the first one. The point of college essays is to let admissions get to know you a bit, and the second one says absolutely nothing about your personality.