Hello please help me in reviewing this essay for entrance into an undergrad program
Please provide suggestions and feedback if possible
Thanks
Every cloud has a silver lining; I believe everything happens at its right ordained time!
Prior to being laid off from my full time position at Rogers Communication I was contemplating enrolling into Seneca College's part time social service worker program. However, after being laid off I decided to reap the benefits of the Ontario Government second career program and enroll into college as a full time student. At the beginning of 2010 I was convinced that I no longer wanted to pursue my career as a project manager; someone could benefit from the immense amount of love I had within. This career was no longer rewarding.
I applied and was accepted to Seneca's social service worker program. I was elated; as I anxiously waited the first day of school. Like an 18 year old just out of high school I scoured my program website, shopped for all the instruments required, packed my school bag and continued to day dream of the experience ahead. Only this time was not the first, however it was destined to be different. My previous attempt was not successful due several factors in my life; the responsibility of a new baby at 19, moving out on my own and the list goes on. Bearing in mind that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it my attitude and thought was focused on success this time around.
Throughout the first week of school we the students of the social service worker program were asked the rhetorical question "why are we here", and the like a choir we all responded "because we want to help". In addition to this question we were asked "who do we want to help" the majority of students favored the adolescents, children and senior population. Although I bore firsthand experience as a pregnant teen I was not attracted to advocating for this group; on the other hand I was not certain who I wanted to help. However, I was not disturbed by my lack of direction, just ecstatic to be in school.
Towards the end of first semester we were tasked with researching potential agencies we would like to conduct our placement; with uncertainty of the population I would like to work with, it was rather difficult. After research and several interviews I took the advice of my professor to go with the one you liked the least. I had chosen Participation House Durham. An agency responsible for housing physically and developmentally disabled clients; nothing I had been exposed to. I was extremely anxious about my first day not knowing what to expect as a social worker at the agency. I left that day feeling very overwhelmed and emotional as I had been in the midst of people whom society had forgotten; however I was curious, I wanted to make an impact in their lives. As time went on, I was attracted to creating programs to aid with the client's neurological disabilities as appose to the physical. I worked from the advantage point that the brain is a muscle and if you exercise it consistently you will achieve results. I was cognizant of their limits nevertheless I believed the clients were capable of achieving a lot more than they were. At the end my placement I accomplished helping a client to perfect her gross motor skills which allowed her to bead jewelry and enroll into a community jewelry making course. I also created an entrepreneurship plan which permitted her to sell her jewelry in the community with aid from her personal support worker. Additionally I helped clients to write, spell their names, and create word connections and so on. The words I am here to help, now became alive in my life; I wanted to work with developmentally disabled individuals.
In addition to my experience at Participation House of Durham I also an advocator for my 19 year old sister who was diagnosed with a learning disability at the age of 12. This experience has served as my indicator to answer the need for more educated professionals in the area of neurological disabilities. Initially her speech was delayed and I was responsible for accompanying her to speech therapy appointments. Back then, I was very intrigued by how she communicated as a non-verbal toddler; I concentrated on her body gestures and facial expressions. Throughout the years I realized that my influence outweighed that of any, as I took the time and continue to, love, encourage, and support her throughout all her endeavors. This approach has empowered her to become more confident in herself as a result she graduated as the most improved student in high school and was accepted into a college.
The premature experience at Participation House of Durham and the ongoing experience as an advocator for my sister will be used as a stepping stone into my undergraduate degree in disability studies at Ryerson.
I believe that persons with disabilities are entitled to professionals who have been disciplined in their area of disability, to effectively support and meet their needs. My career goal is to affect change in the lives of intellectually disabled individuals through possible employment at a school board, municipal, or provincial government. As an advocator I would ensure that effective strategies, tools and remedies are made available to educators and families of persons affected. I would also implement mandatory annual workshops for all educators, which would aid them in understanding BEHAVIOUR IS COMMUNICATION and not all children are able to conform to their personal expectations of behavior. As a result they would be educated on the essential character traits of various intellectual disabilities and be able to suggest referrals when need be.
Ryerson has been my university of choice for numerous reasons. First and foremost they are the only university in Toronto that offers bachelors in disability studies, and one of the two universities who offers the program in the province. After reviewing their curriculum I felt that the education which I receive would prepare me to advocate at a higher level for disabled children within the education system and the society they interact in. I eagerly anticipate learning more about disabled people from their perspective for example, how the ignorance of persons in institutions responsible for molding and enforcing the laws has negatively and positively impacted them. Though the human rights law specifies differently our prejudice have barred individuals from essential services and proper diagnosis and care. I regularly visit your site, as a reminder of the hwy in which I am about to embark on. I am filled with various emotions, ones which brings me to tears as I see in the distance a time when the education I have received at Ryerson University will permit me to be a mouth piece for someone who has gone unheard
From a personal perspective I am aware that a degree within my field will allow me to be more competitive and will provide more opportunity for employment at various levels. Due to financial constraints I am not able to be out a job any longer than I have; therefore, the opportunity to achieve a degree on a part time basis will allow me to work and support my family while earning an education. In addition I have started to work voluntarily with autistic and other intellectually disabled individuals within my community through the public school system and I will continue to do so to gain more experience.
Education has been a journey, one that I am committed to for life; therefore I am enjoying the view.
Although it is good, i'm thinking this is waaay too big for a entrance essay. You should take away about 300 words, leave it approximately the length of a page. You shouldn't detail everything. Concentrate on a just a couple of aspects or else it gets kind of boring...
Besides, is there any kind of prompt?
This career was no longer rewarding.
Great advice from Gabriela! Less is more. It is better to focus on your message. Whenever you try to communicate something to people, you have to do it multiple times, and you have to say, "Hey! Pay attention!" You have to get rid of that last sentence of the first paragraph that says what was NOT rewarding and replace it with a sentence about what IS rewarding. Do you know what I mean? You have a message about a lot of love and enthusiasm and energy you are ready to give, so end the first paragraph with that message. If you want, you can keep it as it is and add a sentence to the end of that paragraph.. make it the most powerful sentence of the whole essay. :-)
From a personal perspective I am aware that a degree within my field will allow me to be more competitive and will provide more opportunity for employment at various levels. Do not waste the reader's time by tricking her into reading a statement of the obvious that she does not need to read. Readers hate that! Take out all sentences that do not support your main idea. Get that main point across, get that main idea clear.
