please help me revise my essay.
Any input would be appreciated.
i will help others revise their essays too.
Prompt 1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us
how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations. *
Rolled up jeans, slick pompadour, and confident walk--he had everything. Looking at this kid was taking a trip to the past. "A walking Elvis," you might say. At a distance he might have seemed too dangerous to approach. He left you wondering if he might be carrying a hidden knife in his back pocket, but his amusing appearance had its charm. Getting to know this kid well you would find out he was really relaxed and outgoing. Nothing you would expect, but to no disappointment. This bizarre character was me. How it came to be and not to be is what ultimately helped me find myself.
My father was at work most of my childhood and it was my mother who really got to raise me. My mom did not speak English and so I was taught to speak Spanish first. She also had a fear of driving and this meant that I was kept indoors most of my life. Besides the store, school was the only public place I went to. All these factors played a crucial role on my development. Shyness got the better of me as I felt alienated because of my language. My second grade teacher would pick on me because I was so timid. I still recall that day when I said sal (Spanish) instead of salt for an answer to the teacher's question. My face shot bright red as noticed the confused faces of the students around me. The seconds seemed endless and I cried my way into my arms.
Despite the hindrance, I remember being one of the top students in my classes, but that was never enough for my dad; his admiration lay with my older sister who had adapted better than I did. I detested the comparison. To my dismay it was not only my father that compared me to her, it was my teachers also! The usual greeting I would get from my teachers was "Hey you are Kim's brother right? Oh you should do outstanding in my class then." This happened to me all through elementary and middle school.
I grew fed up; I had no identity living in my sister's shadow and I began neglecting my grades in high school. I wanted my own reputation and my own respect, but my shyness still posed a barrier. A group of rebel boys would be a fine opening for me. From them Johnny became my best friend. Johnny and my friends offered me a new identity. I felt like I had an opportunity to start over. I developed a different personality: one that I liked, one with confidence. I began listening to rock and roll and my appearance changed.
With my new friends I was able to experience the outside world. My friends took me to shows to see bands, like the Meteors, play. We even formed our own bands. We hung out and I met a lot of different people. As time progressed, some of my friends became associated with drugs, including Johnny. It was not in me to do those kinds of things and I tried to persuade Johnny to let them go, but he would not budge. He was not the same anymore. We stopped doing the things we did and his only focus was on getting another fix. The drugs were distancing him away from me.
I would ask myself if this was really the direction I wanted to go. I knew I had lost a friend and I didn't want to lose myself too. I was not doing well in school, but I knew very well I could catch up. I still had a shot at my dreams and I took it. I put in every effort to succeed. I matured and reestablished my appearance. I determined I would look into myself for my uniqueness and my ambitions helped me find it. I now live up to my own standards and predilection. I became more involved in school. To help me reestablish my grades I joined the AVID program. I also joined the tennis team to keep a distance from my old friends. Clubs like ASU, MEChA, Interact, and NHS helped me get in touch with my community. In the quest to find myself I realized that all I wanted to do was to be someone. That someone now has a future ahead of him and he is willing to place every bit of effort to leave his footprint on this world.
Any input would be appreciated.
i will help others revise their essays too.
Prompt 1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us
how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations. *
Rolled up jeans, slick pompadour, and confident walk--he had everything. Looking at this kid was taking a trip to the past. "A walking Elvis," you might say. At a distance he might have seemed too dangerous to approach. He left you wondering if he might be carrying a hidden knife in his back pocket, but his amusing appearance had its charm. Getting to know this kid well you would find out he was really relaxed and outgoing. Nothing you would expect, but to no disappointment. This bizarre character was me. How it came to be and not to be is what ultimately helped me find myself.
My father was at work most of my childhood and it was my mother who really got to raise me. My mom did not speak English and so I was taught to speak Spanish first. She also had a fear of driving and this meant that I was kept indoors most of my life. Besides the store, school was the only public place I went to. All these factors played a crucial role on my development. Shyness got the better of me as I felt alienated because of my language. My second grade teacher would pick on me because I was so timid. I still recall that day when I said sal (Spanish) instead of salt for an answer to the teacher's question. My face shot bright red as noticed the confused faces of the students around me. The seconds seemed endless and I cried my way into my arms.
Despite the hindrance, I remember being one of the top students in my classes, but that was never enough for my dad; his admiration lay with my older sister who had adapted better than I did. I detested the comparison. To my dismay it was not only my father that compared me to her, it was my teachers also! The usual greeting I would get from my teachers was "Hey you are Kim's brother right? Oh you should do outstanding in my class then." This happened to me all through elementary and middle school.
I grew fed up; I had no identity living in my sister's shadow and I began neglecting my grades in high school. I wanted my own reputation and my own respect, but my shyness still posed a barrier. A group of rebel boys would be a fine opening for me. From them Johnny became my best friend. Johnny and my friends offered me a new identity. I felt like I had an opportunity to start over. I developed a different personality: one that I liked, one with confidence. I began listening to rock and roll and my appearance changed.
With my new friends I was able to experience the outside world. My friends took me to shows to see bands, like the Meteors, play. We even formed our own bands. We hung out and I met a lot of different people. As time progressed, some of my friends became associated with drugs, including Johnny. It was not in me to do those kinds of things and I tried to persuade Johnny to let them go, but he would not budge. He was not the same anymore. We stopped doing the things we did and his only focus was on getting another fix. The drugs were distancing him away from me.
I would ask myself if this was really the direction I wanted to go. I knew I had lost a friend and I didn't want to lose myself too. I was not doing well in school, but I knew very well I could catch up. I still had a shot at my dreams and I took it. I put in every effort to succeed. I matured and reestablished my appearance. I determined I would look into myself for my uniqueness and my ambitions helped me find it. I now live up to my own standards and predilection. I became more involved in school. To help me reestablish my grades I joined the AVID program. I also joined the tennis team to keep a distance from my old friends. Clubs like ASU, MEChA, Interact, and NHS helped me get in touch with my community. In the quest to find myself I realized that all I wanted to do was to be someone. That someone now has a future ahead of him and he is willing to place every bit of effort to leave his footprint on this world.
