"Excellent computer science professors and diversity" -Allegheny college essay prompt

Why are you interested in Allegheny college? (your response is quite important to the admission committee.)

Allegheny seemed ordinary on the Common Application until I read reviews by their students. They emphasized the excellent computer science professors, and the diversity of the student body. Upon seeing these testimonials I immediately decided to apply. I am impressed with the computer science curriculum and delirious about the student-faculty research. On the computer science department page it says, "Allegheny's computer science majors understand the theories and concepts behind the technology, and there's almost no limit to the ways in which this broad-based knowledge can be adapted." I want to use the knowledge I acquire to help solve the world's problems. Computers are the future of the world and I know Allegheny College will give me the opportunity to join this bright and exciting future.

please help!!

Changes are in bold.


I would suggest using a different word here. Defined, delirious means "in an acutely disturbed state of mind resulting from illness or intoxication and characterized by restlessness, illusions, and incoherence of thought and speech." I'm sure that's not exactly the reaction (at least I certainly hope not) you're getting from their excellent program.


"On the page it says" is not a very professional sounding phrase. Try the something like "The computer science page states that..."

Other than that you seem to have a nice prompt. I particularly liked how you ended it. Good luck!

Thank you very much! You have no idea how much you have helped me...seriously!

In the beginning of this paragraph, you refer to the testimonials, but you never say what was impressive about them. It might be good to list a few words and phrases you remember from those testimonials.

I don't know how I feel about quoting the website. If you quote it, use a key phrasefrom the quote in the sentence that follows it. Elaborate on the quote and apply it to your own unique plan.

:-)

Thanks, John, for the great work you did here!

"They emphasized the excellent computer science professors, and the diversity of the student body. Upon seeing these testimonials I immediately decided to apply."

Yes. I agree with Kevin. You should explain what makes the computer science professors excellent, etc.

""Allegheny's computer science majors understand the theories and concepts behind the technology, and there's almost no limit to the ways in which this broad-based knowledge can be adapted.""

Although I may picky, I'm sure other colleges, such as Berkeley and Carnegie Mellon and MIT, can claim that too. :) (*sigh. I'm having a lot of trouble with this kind of prompts too x.x)

"I want to use the knowledge I acquire to help solve the world's problems."
Explain this. Don't just make a great (and rather pretentious) claim without explaining yourself :) How do you plan on solving the world's problems with comp.sci.? Do you plan on solving every problem - or which ones?

"Computers are the future of the world"
:) Environmentalists often joke that the future is either computers or nothing.

Thank you!! i will make the changes