I already know that it's cliche and cheesy, but I'm just stuck in a rut about what exactly needs to change. My friend told me that it's solid, but not well executed... Not exactly sure what she meant, so can someone help me out? Please and Thank you. All critiques are welcome
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are? -
"The International Baccalaureate program has given me the great chance of participating in its Second Language Subject course, which for my school meant Chinese. At first I was reluctant to take such a foreign class, but at the same time I felt that it would be something entirely new. I am now currently in my fourth year and would not ever doubt having taken that class. It is because of this class that I have found a possible calling for foreign languages and cultures that would help bring me closer to the world.
I have been in the top 5% of my Chinese classes since the first year. As some of the Chinese characters are pictographs, it was interesting seeing how characters emerged from pictures, making learning the language much easier for me. Activities done in the class also helped broaden my mind culturally. From Chinese paper folding to writing an email to a Chinese student, it was such a new experience. I have even joined the Chinese club, which is hoping to raise enough money to visit China this year.
Last year, my teacher actually recommended me for a Chinese calligraphy contest that was held in the University of California, Irvine; I took the challenge without a second thought. After we finished writing our characters, while the judges looked over our writing, students of the university got together for a small talent show and entertained us with a wide variety of Chinese-influenced talent. I found everything that everyone did either really impressive, really beautiful, or really fun, as beautiful Chinese poems were read, fast Chinese songs were sung, and funny Chinese dances were danced. In the end I did not win, but I received a certificate for Honorable Mention, and that small title still makes me proud.
This class has not only introduced me to the Chinese culture though. In taking this class, I was actually able to make an online friend from Taiwan; We have been keeping in contact for almost one year. I have also made some friends from Japan, Finland, and a very close penpal from Germany. Any other cultures are welcome to talk to me, as I am glad to hear from them.
In immersing myself into this other culture, I have found that I really enjoy learning about the world outside of my country, and for that reason I have taken into consideration a future job that deals with the world's cultures. Whether it may be teaching foreign languages in another country, becoming a foreign coverage journalist, or even an expert in a culture's studies, I have found that I really wish to travel the world and learn as much as I can about all of our people here in this small world."
A bit of background: The main reason I choose the Chinese course at my school was because I was already familiar with Asia because of Japan, listening to Japanese songs and getting into the culture, but I don't know if I should mention that at all. I was jut thinking that I should because it would help support how "open-minded" I am (or something like that)
Good essay. The story that you have to tell is a good one, but you could reword some of your sentences. In the end, when you talk about how it makes you proud as a person, instead of just saying that you now have penpals all over the world, perhaps say something like "my involvement in the Chinese culture led to me become a more worldy person, and has allowed me to widen my global perspective to reach out to others in blah blah blah" you get the point.
Good overall essay
