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'My experience in moving to Israel' - Common App



estherfm 3 / 5  
Sep 22, 2011   #1
[Subject: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.]

(Parenthetical comments will not be included in the final draft.)

(This is a rough piece. I don't know how to end it, nor how to fill in the gaps. Feedback and suggestions are much appreciated.)

Conventional wisdom paints American life as heterogeneous; Israel is perceived to be relatively homogeneous. I spent my childhood in a Jewish neighborhood near Cleveland, Ohio, attended a Jewish day school and participated in a Jewish youth group. When I was in third grade my mother took a sabbatical in Israel; I encountered more variety in that one year than I did in fourteen years in America. The taste of life that I found in Israel was to American culture what cactus fruit is to corn. (I really wanted to include cactus in this essay.)

I yearned to savor the flavor; bolstered by feelings of national identity, I broached the subject of moving with my parents. After much consideration, we moved to Israel in the fall of 2006. In my naïveté, I had not given much thought to the impact a new culture would have on me. Our new apartment was one-fifth the size of our previous home; and whereas I had been in accelerated classes in my school in Cleveland, I now found myself floundering in school because I was unused to the language. My classmates too were very different from the uniformity to which I was accustomed. Their upbringings differed radically from mine and from each others', and their values were unfamiliar to me. Even the food was new: besides the obvious differences in cuisine, like the abundance of falafel stands and lack of cherry coca cola, there were less obvious but still jarring menu choices. The oranges that my classmates brought for lunch were green.

Despite these obstacles, I was determined to find my place in my new home. I boosted my vocabulary with the help of Hebrew novels and did not let differences stop me from making friends. While I found my schoolmates to be less-than-friendly, I had joined a youth group and auditioned for a part in a community play where I made friendships that have lasted to this day. I joined a debate team, where I learned to defend my own opinion while listening to others'. Volunteering too became a fixture: packaging food for those in need, serving and cleaning in soup kitchens, and helping new immigrants not unlike myself

The process of moving to Israel gave me confidence in myself and enabled me to venture onto new paths of experience. I became a counselor in my youth group, assuming joint responsibility for a large group of eight year olds. The role of instructor, guide, and friend to those children gave me the opportunity to make an impact on their lives, simultaneously teaching me that every voice is worth listening to. Working alongside three other counselors taught me patience and the value of teamwork, especially when we disagreed and were forced to compromise.

I taught myself to play guitar, and to speak Gaelic; my determination and perseverance were tested but ultimately strengthened by the challenge of relying solely on myself to learn new skills. (This needs more. But what?)

Leaving my sheltered life in Cleveland enabled me to broaden and redefine my world view. My life in Israel wasn't always easy, but my experiences provided ample reward. It has been a long journey, and (I have no clue how to end this).

Paul Jo 6 / 28  
Sep 22, 2011   #2
A very well written essay Mack! You used familiar topic to fully describe yourself, which is a good approach to take for the app.

However, your essay could have been improved had you tried to 'show' yourself instead of 'telling' who your are.
OP estherfm 3 / 5  
Sep 22, 2011   #3
However, your essay could have been improved had you tried to 'show' yourself instead of 'telling' who your are.

Thanks for the feedback! Can you give me some examples of "showing"?
Paul Jo 6 / 28  
Sep 22, 2011   #4
estherfm
For example, in the fourth paragraph of your essay, the sentence 'I became a counselor ... is worth listening to.' is the general type of showing.

Although this might be a good strategy to say somethingof yourself in a terse way, I think it's better to take an brief example, or expecience,

not justing mentioning that you learned a good deal of stuff by assuming a role of counselor.

'telling' can sometimes, although not always, confuse admission officers. They cannot fully understand the character of candidate.

wish you luck!
Paul Jo 6 / 28  
Sep 23, 2011   #5
a lovely, near-perfect essay Esther!

I think your writing falls into the category of adversity - conquest, and a bit of self-identity.

You successfully altered your essay as the way to really 'show' who you are, excellent!

However, don't try to put too many facts in your essay. Talking too much of your life can often cause readers to misconstrue your intension.

''give your essay focus and you will have the space to cover the topic in greater depth.'' <- This is what I've read from an essay guidebook.

Hope my suggestion can be of help.

:)
rifatmursalin 13 / 36  
Sep 25, 2011   #6
An excellent essay. The essay almost highlights adjectives describing you. If you want, you can focus more on self-realization and knowing yourself. It is surely an impressive essay.
Paul Jo 6 / 28  
Oct 1, 2011   #7
I really like your essay, but it's too long for the admission officers to read I think.

This is the longest essay I've ever read - 1631 words.

I really suggest you to cut the content into about half, because verbosity can also be a great problem.

As I told you before, talking too much and putting too much fact into your essay is not a good idea.

Although I definately can see your idea develops soundly throughout your writing, it's really too long.

BTW, are you also applying for the UChicago? So is I! May luck be with you!

:)
OP estherfm 3 / 5  
Oct 4, 2011   #8
I don't know how to cut down on the facts - this is the only way I know how to write. I agree that it's too long; I may just stick with what I had before.

I'm applying for Northwestern, among others. Good luck with your application too!


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