Hello, everyone. :)
Would you please take a look at my essay and see if it flows?
Personally, I think that something feels a bit off about the intro.. what do you think? Please, please, please don't hesitate to be make ANY kind of constructive crticisms & suggestions! I would especially appreciate it if you could let me know how I could condense my essay. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME!
The day I joined our school newspaper staff, an editor told me I was going to have to interview the wife of our school's retired cross country coach. That was fine, until I learned she had recently been widowed. In fact, a year had passed since her husband was killed in a car accident, but a story idea had only just emerged when it was discovered that the $4,000 check that had mysteriously appeared in the school cross country team's mail just a few months ago had been donated in memory of her husband by this very lady I was to talk to. While I did feel somewhat curious to find out more about the behind story, I was gripped with increasing dread as I dialed her number one afternoon; after all, I was going to have to mention her husband to her at some point. What if she has an emotional breakdown? What if she bursts into tears? Anxiety plagued my mind going into the interview.
But when the talk finally began and went on minute by minute, I soon realized I had worried for nothing. Unlike a sense of feebleness I had expected from someone who recently suffered a tragic loss, her voice was surprisingly vibrant and soothing. What bitterness, despair, and hopelessness she initially must have had seemed to have been replaced by some greater emotion, for she talked to me for a long time, even with a tint of eagerness, about what a tremendous lover of running her husband had been. "My husband, he was a runner all his life. In his entire life, he ran marathons and long distance, and was very, very, very devoted." She proudly recounted how her husband, Mr. Wayne Walker, coached our school cross country team for 10 years, during which he guided the team to three league titles. Though he retired as a coach in 1999, he still returned every year to help with the school's cross country invitational events. "It is my hope, through lifelong donations to Sunny Hills High School cross country, to keep alive Coach Wayne Walker's memory," she said. "He inspired and motivated all runners with his passion for running and his belief that all runners needed to test the limits of their endurance and to believe they could always cross that finish line." Listening to her words that carried an unforgettable degree of firm conviction in her husband's philosophy, I felt that Mr. Walker, in spirit or in thought, was still alive inside her.
Mr. Walker was someone I had never met or even seen in picture; all I had available were his wife's words, stories, and nuances to get a sense of who he may have been. Yet one thing I came to know for certain about him, one thing that hit me with many ensuing moments of self-reflection, was the fact that his passion for running transcended death and impacted the lives of many people around him. His wife has made it her life-long work to dedicate time and money to the cross country team in his remembrance; the school has renamed two invitational events in tribute to his career; and a group of young runners are continually inspired to follow his same passion through his wife's life-long support. Reflecting on how one man's inextinguishable singular passion has touched people's hearts and created changes, I've been compelled to believe that to become a person that matters, one must first have a defining passion, a fire, a love that can ultimately make a statement about one's identity. "Enthusiasm moves the world," author James Balfour once wrote. Certainly Mr. Walker's enthusiasm moved several worlds around him. But now, I eagerly envision and anticipate the day when I will be that difference, that moving force. These kinds of thoughts have been occupying my mind recently more than ever as I look forward to going off to college and further into the mainstream society. With what passion and what burning zeal will I someday positively impact the lives around me? What defining fervor will the world remember me for after I die and leave this earth? What will I care, be excited and eager about, and love so much that at least in that field of study or work, I will be happy to commit my entire life serving and contributing to the world? I take it as my noble duty and my life-long goal to find answers to these questions in the years that lie ahead.
Would you please take a look at my essay and see if it flows?
Personally, I think that something feels a bit off about the intro.. what do you think? Please, please, please don't hesitate to be make ANY kind of constructive crticisms & suggestions! I would especially appreciate it if you could let me know how I could condense my essay. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME!
The day I joined our school newspaper staff, an editor told me I was going to have to interview the wife of our school's retired cross country coach. That was fine, until I learned she had recently been widowed. In fact, a year had passed since her husband was killed in a car accident, but a story idea had only just emerged when it was discovered that the $4,000 check that had mysteriously appeared in the school cross country team's mail just a few months ago had been donated in memory of her husband by this very lady I was to talk to. While I did feel somewhat curious to find out more about the behind story, I was gripped with increasing dread as I dialed her number one afternoon; after all, I was going to have to mention her husband to her at some point. What if she has an emotional breakdown? What if she bursts into tears? Anxiety plagued my mind going into the interview.
But when the talk finally began and went on minute by minute, I soon realized I had worried for nothing. Unlike a sense of feebleness I had expected from someone who recently suffered a tragic loss, her voice was surprisingly vibrant and soothing. What bitterness, despair, and hopelessness she initially must have had seemed to have been replaced by some greater emotion, for she talked to me for a long time, even with a tint of eagerness, about what a tremendous lover of running her husband had been. "My husband, he was a runner all his life. In his entire life, he ran marathons and long distance, and was very, very, very devoted." She proudly recounted how her husband, Mr. Wayne Walker, coached our school cross country team for 10 years, during which he guided the team to three league titles. Though he retired as a coach in 1999, he still returned every year to help with the school's cross country invitational events. "It is my hope, through lifelong donations to Sunny Hills High School cross country, to keep alive Coach Wayne Walker's memory," she said. "He inspired and motivated all runners with his passion for running and his belief that all runners needed to test the limits of their endurance and to believe they could always cross that finish line." Listening to her words that carried an unforgettable degree of firm conviction in her husband's philosophy, I felt that Mr. Walker, in spirit or in thought, was still alive inside her.
Mr. Walker was someone I had never met or even seen in picture; all I had available were his wife's words, stories, and nuances to get a sense of who he may have been. Yet one thing I came to know for certain about him, one thing that hit me with many ensuing moments of self-reflection, was the fact that his passion for running transcended death and impacted the lives of many people around him. His wife has made it her life-long work to dedicate time and money to the cross country team in his remembrance; the school has renamed two invitational events in tribute to his career; and a group of young runners are continually inspired to follow his same passion through his wife's life-long support. Reflecting on how one man's inextinguishable singular passion has touched people's hearts and created changes, I've been compelled to believe that to become a person that matters, one must first have a defining passion, a fire, a love that can ultimately make a statement about one's identity. "Enthusiasm moves the world," author James Balfour once wrote. Certainly Mr. Walker's enthusiasm moved several worlds around him. But now, I eagerly envision and anticipate the day when I will be that difference, that moving force. These kinds of thoughts have been occupying my mind recently more than ever as I look forward to going off to college and further into the mainstream society. With what passion and what burning zeal will I someday positively impact the lives around me? What defining fervor will the world remember me for after I die and leave this earth? What will I care, be excited and eager about, and love so much that at least in that field of study or work, I will be happy to commit my entire life serving and contributing to the world? I take it as my noble duty and my life-long goal to find answers to these questions in the years that lie ahead.
