Please comment on this essay as well!
Explain how Kalamazoo College's approach to education will help you explore your ideas and interests both inside and outside of the classroom.
5:30 am. I stumbled out of my bed to paste a bumper sticker saying 'Do not disturb' on my door. I jumped back in, but not to sleep! Startling as it may sound, I spend my whole day in bed with my laptop, examining different colleges and universities.
I want to be surrounded by an intellectual stimulation that crosses the barriers of the classroom and opportunities that arouse my lifelong passion. I long to put my theoretical knowledge into practice, perform small to large experiments without any obligations and refine my understanding whilst learning from proficient professors! But Alas! 15 colleges, but not one caught my attention. At last I came across a college discussion that intrigued me, Kalamazoo College. Its alumnus spoke highly of its approach to liberal arts education and presented very detailed description of the life at Kalamazoo.
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Pratibha, the essay you wrote is quite good. However, the first two paragraphs are just fillers that need to be deleted because you need to concentrate on the demand of the prompt that you discuss how KC will help you explore your ideas and interests inside and outside the classroom. There is no need to tell them about how you searched and found their college. The prompt is not interested in that. I advice you to delete the following portion:
Then start your actual essay at this point:
Build up this particular section with more active plans for your academic studies such as any research you look forward to doing or working with particular professors, detailing how you hope to learn from this particular process. Start a new paragraph after this where you will discuss the social activities and student community of the campus and how you plan to bring a new type of energy to the social scene by learning from them and sharing yourself, your history, and your interests, with the community.
Doing these two things should help wrap up the essay just fine :-)
Shouldn't I mention what I am really looking for when it comes to college education?
Not really. The main prompt thatyou have to answer is
Explain how Kalamazoo College's approach to education will help you explore your ideas and interests both inside and outside of the classroom.
So we are specifically dealing with Kalamazoo and no other college. Your considerations for the educational institutions are irrelevant in this case. All you have to concentrate on is how you can use the teaching style at Kalamazoo to further advance you academic career. It is already assumed that you have settled on Kalamazoo as your choice of school. They are not interested in finding out what your other school choices or criteria was for choosing schools because obviously, you would not be applying for admission to their university if it did not pass your criteria for an educational institution.
Vangiespen, please have a look at this.
From "Uncommon Reading Introduction" to the distinctive "K-Plan"; Kalamazoo's historic and modern principles of educational innovation and leadership most spoke to my interest. The 'Uncommon Reading' program; an occasion to question the brilliant minds will evoke the reader within me, fortifying my perceptive and reasoning aptitude.
The four unique components of the K-Plan require total commitment towards indoor and outdoor learning; hence I will be surrounded by intellectual stimulation that crosses the barriers of a classroom. I desire to be a leader and Kalamazoo's rigorous academics along with experiential learning will make me one.
[...]
This is an additional information that I want the colleges to know about my life. Please have a look at it!
There are millions of lords in Hindu culture and around ten were placed in our shrine room. The fragrance of incense sticks filled the room. It was the most peaceful moment of the day. Everyone gathered in the tiny room, I moved ahead to make room for my mother who was busy covering her head with the end of her sari. Looking around the room I could see bowed heads and hands in Namaste posture to the Almighty Lord, pleading to fulfil their wish! Nevertheless, there was a common prayer among us; that may the soul of our grandfather rest in peace. A man of few words indeed!
My phone rang at 11:00 pm as I lay all tucked in my bed! I was a bit astonished because my parents never called so late considering the time difference. I picked up the call anyways and someone at the other end spoke firmly 'Hello Pranu?'. I could feel my grandfather sitting by my side. I wasn't of his bloodline but he treated us like a family. He shared experiences and jokes; even gossiped about grandmother! We laughed our hearts out with tears of joy running down my cheek. That day over the phone, I taught him how to use Skype for video calls so that he could talk to his children who were out of town. He talked about his engineering and I listened. His life story had been very inspiring for the people around him including me. He then finished the conversation with his blessings and a promise to call again before my exam. His sprinkled encouragement kept me going for an hour or two that night.
Finally I got a call that I had been waiting for and I took it with full excitement but alas! I was dumbstruck with the news that came along. People at the other end wept and I couldn't utter a single word. I cut off the call immediately. I went back to studying. I am naturally competitive, emerging as a winner is always at the forefront of my mind but that day I couldn't concentrate and cried. He influenced all of us and supported every decision that we took. Extremely proud with my scholarship awards at different stages he would ask me to cherish every bit of the new environment that I come across.
Time passed by and the results were out. I hadn't reached my target and that added to my pain. However, I was told by him that failures or difficult situations do not demonstrate our capabilities. It's how we choose to present ourselves to the world. His ethoses always echo in my life and I will always live by the values that he taught me. He wasn't my maternal or paternal grandfather but our landlord; we called him 'dada ji' respected grandfather.
Pratibha, I am not sure about how to comment on what you wrote. It seems to be based on a totally different prompt from what we were originally reviewing in this thread. Am I right? If that is the case, please give us a copy of the new prompt so that we can better review the essay. It seems to be based upon a highly personal experience and contains some very interesting but overly dramatic information about your personal life. We need to review the content in order to make sure that it adheres to the prompt. The last thing you want to do is seem overly dramatic in the eyes of the admissions officers, who can tell when you are exaggerating a story you are telling in your essay or not. There are some portions that I think can be either deleted or shortened, but I want to make sure that it won't affect the overall message of the essay if we do that so I will refrain from pointing those sections out until I know what the prompt we are dealing with is :-) I'll be waiting for the prompt and will be making my official comments once I know what to review the answer you wrote for :-)
Vangiespen, the essay is for the additional information section in the common application. I haven't yet titled it. It gives a brief about a turning point in my life and the person that I admire.
Also, please have a look at my Kalamazoo College supplement(Comment: #5). I have made some changes to it as you suggested.
Prabitha, this essay is highly confusing to read. You go from meditation, you something that was either a dream or an actual event, then the mention of something sad (details are needed), and then an explanation that the man was a landlord and not a real blood relative. If you want this essay to be more effective, you need to stop trying to be creative and instead, just present the facts as needed. That way the reader gets a clear idea of what you are trying to discuss instead of guessing about what is going on and how the events relate to one another. Clarity is important in any essay, more so when it is a common app that is supposed to teach us more about you as a person. Truthfully, I do not get how his death became a turning point in your life. If you presented it in the essay, it became quite vague. Do you think you have room for a revision? I really think the essay has potential, it just needs to be rewritten for clarity purposes :-) BTW, I already responded to your other essay, I guess you have not seen it yet? It is about the woman carrying a child on her shoulder right?
Ok, I will work on the essay. I am sorry about that help tag that keeps popping with my comments. I was actually referring to the edited Kalamazoo College supplement. Please have a look at comment #5.
Pratibha, I read thread number 5. I am still not sure about what I am supposed to review it for you because you posted one thread after another. I'd appreciate a push in the right direction prompt-wise so that I will know how to approach advising you :-) Both essays are quite good and can actually be used for common prompts, depending upon the question being asked. You really need to give me a clue about the prompts that you are answering when you post the essays :-) I look forward to finding out what the prompt is so that I can better advise you on how to further improve it.
Explain how Kalamazoo College's approach to education will help you explore your ideas and interests both inside and outside of the classroom.
From "Uncommon Reading Introduction" to the distinctive "K-Plan"; Kalamazoo's historic and modern principles of educational innovation and leadership most spoke to my interest. The 'Uncommon Reading' program; an occasion to question the brilliant minds will evoke the reader within me, fortifying my perceptive and reasoning aptitude.
The four unique components of the K-Plan require total commitment towards indoor and outdoor learning; hence I will be surrounded by intellectual stimulation that crosses the barriers of a classroom. I desire to be a leader and Kalamazoo's rigorous academics along with experiential learning will make me one. The experiential learning ("learning-by-doing") will give touch of professionalism to my academic knowledge. Participating in arts and craft, informational meetings and other activities offered at Kalamazoo College will develop my personality both academically and socially. Expert faculty, diversity, internships and externships, study aboard programs and strong connection with the alumni will provide me the opportunity to learn from the versatile and experienced individuals. The supportive community of Kalamazoo College, both inside and outside the classroom, will enable me to concentrate on my ambition.
I intend to major in Biology. The vibrant academics curriculum of Kalamazoo College will allow me to brainstorm with my colleagues in classroom and experiment those ideas outside without any obligations! My own K-Plan will augment my competitiveness and encourage my ability to think professionally; a perfect stepping stone. Attending the classes of Professor Binney Girdler will refine my understanding of ecology and plant science. I have had the opportunity to learn about forest life through Circle of Life Rediscovery Programme and I hope to expand this knowledge whilst at Kalamazoo College. My hobby of painting and sketching will gain wings in such environment. The freedom that it provides the students will allow me to commence my way of sharing knowledge through fun activities. The course of study will ultimately open door that leads to being a successful student of Kalamazoo College.
I am most definitely encouraged to utilize my head, heart and hands in achieving my lifelong passion. Contributing to the Kalamazoo community will be one of my priorities The informative academic and social journey that I will experience at Kalamazoo College will prepare me to be better leader of tomorrow for I will grow intellectually with a prestigious degree at the end of the four year at Kalamazoo College.
- This should become your first paragraph because it carries your intention of studying at Kalamazoo with a definite mode of study indicated which is based upon their academic teaching strategy. That makes this paragraph highly effective and eye catching.
- This is a secondary paragraph because it generalizes how you will be able to advance your academic and social skills using the other programs available at the university. The closing statement remains the same.
Now flip around the paragraphs using the format I indicated and then read it over. See if there are any changes or additions you want to apply before I come in with my own suggestions of revisions and edits. That way we save you one editing movement :-)
Hi Vangiespen, I haven't yet flipped the essay because I am a bit anxious about declaring my major through this essay. Please have a look at this draft. I have made some changes and added some more lines to the essay..
Prabitha, I understand your apprehension and agree with you. At this point the essay should make you feel comfortable when you read it. You have the final say when it comes to the final look, feel, and content of the essay. If you feel that this version of the essay is something you approve of and you feel that it best represents you as a person in written form, then go ahead and use it. It already answers the essay prompt in a way so as long as you are accepting of the content of the essay, then it is as ready as it can be. There is no way of assuring the way an essay will be accepted by the admissions officer. Just be confident that you have done your best and let the cards fall where they may after you have submitted it for consideration :-) Good luck with your application.
So do you think its ok?
Do I think this essay is ok? Not really since I asked you to flip around the paragraphs in an effort to better suit the prompt but you decided not to do that. I feel that my suggestion makes it better but since you have your own opinion, which can over ride my own, I will accept this essay as ready in its current form. This is what you are comfortable with so you should go with it. I can only offer an opinion and you can take it or leave it. If you are satisfied with this version and you feel sure that it meets the prompt requirements then use it. It is not my job to force you to use the version I am suggesting. Neither should I insist that you change your writing style from what you are comfortable with. This is the version you are comfortable with. Therefore, this is the version that you should submit regardless of what I think. The final decision is yours to make. This is your paper after all. I am only here to review and advice you :-)
