"Explain how you responded to a significant challenge" UBC Application; amount of EFFORT

Explain how you responded to a significant challenge that you have encountered and what you learned in the process. (maximum 200 words)

A significant challenge I have encountered would be applying to become a manager at my school's store. In order to become a manager, you must submit a resume, a cover letter, and go through an interview with the store's supervisor. There were approximately forty applicants competing for the position and the supervisor told us that only a maximum of ten students would be selected. It was a harsh competition that allowed only twenty-five percent of the applicants to potentially succeed. I approached this challenge calmly as I knew that being stressed would not help. I started researching the most-used interview questions and how to answer them. When it was finally my turn to be interviewed, I was prepared to answer many questions. After the interview was over, the supervisor told me that I had a good chance to become a manager next year and he shook my hand. Several months later, the supervisor announced the managers that were chosen to work at the store the following year and it appears that my name was called. I learned that success is greatly reflected on the amount of effort one inputs and not dependent on one's intelligence.

Please help me edit my mini-essay and give me some advice for improvement.

Thank you.

I would not start off the paragraph by directly answering the prompt. I would give some background on the position of manager at the school's store (maybe its a really competitive position that many people want?) and go from there.

[quotes]I learned that success is greatly reflected on the amount of effort one inputs and not dependent on one's intelligence. [/quote]
I would not use "inputs"... same with "dependent". It sounds a little awkward to me?

I feel like you are telling me a step by step process... I would try to be more personal. Involve your feelings and expectations more.

well I kind of stated that it was a competitive position and I by providing background information on the position doesn't really relate to my topic because the challenge was at a time before I had been selected. Also, I'm not sure what you mean by [quotes], because that wasn't a quote.

I coded it wrong. It was supposed to be


Because you did indeed say that.

It just seemed too impersonal in my opinion, but you have the option to not take my advice.