I am using this prompt to explain a recent tough semester I had, and how I learned from the experience. As with my other essay (please read thread "the dreaded tell us about yourself essay...), I am mostly concerned with my closing paragraph. This is only a first draft, but all comments are appreciated. Thanks in advance.
Essay #2: What is good character and why is it important? You may cite examples from literature, the arts, science, politics, history, athletics, business, education or your own personal experiences.
My GPA Drop
Though I have only come to realize it in more recent years, it is my father who has played the biggest role in instilling in me the meaning and importance of good character. When a dying bird was found in our backyard, it was my dad who wrapped it in a towel and sat with it next to the warm fireplace, but me who learned the value of compassion. When I threw the ball that shattered the kitchen window, it was the quiet disappointment in my dad's eyes that made me confess and realize the importance of honesty. His words of encouragement during the days of middle school bullying were a lesson on integrity, and later, when our family of four became a family of three, it was my father's devotion to my younger sister and I that taught me loyalty.
On February 6, 2009 my father was diagnosed with colon cancer. I did what I could to help. I drove my sister to and from school and work, accompanied my father to various doctor appointments, and took on grocery lists and laundry piles. While he recovered from one surgery after another, I maintained a thirty hour work week while attending classes.
Some of my newfound responsibilities were easier to juggle than others. I may have developed an ease for whipping up quick, healthy dinners, but keeping up with my academics was another matter ...
I think your semicolons are a bit confusing...
Though I cringe at the sight of those grades, I learned a number of important lessons during those few months: that there are few dishes that won't benefit from the addition of the right color bell pepper; that in the five minutes it takes to get to her school, my sister can have me laughing to the point of tears; that it is a great feeling to give back to the person who has spent an entire lifetime giving to me.
I could have walked away; accepted six Ws that would have kept my GPA intact.
Yeah, you're right. I do tend to be a bit semi-colon happy...
I will re-word those sentences.
Hey guys, I would love some more criticism. Other readers have told me that it sounds like too much of an excuse, but I have read it so many times, the same things keep going through my head!
I really found your essay compelling! It moved me.
Similar to some of the comments on your other essay, I think you could do with expanding that last paragraph to explain more about how this college is a good place for you. Especially with the blank for the college name, it looks like a generic and reusable essay to me...or are you hiding the name on purpose? Not to sound rude or anything but...I'm not really sure, so please enlighten me.
Though I have only come to realize it in more recent years, it is my father who has played the biggest role in instilling in me the meaning and importance of good character.
{Through the years I've come to realize that it is my father who has played the greatest role in instilling within me the meaning and importance of good character.}
By taking part in and challenging myself with all that _____ has to offer, I know I will be on the right path to achieving success both personal and professional, while maintaining my belief in the importance of possessing honesty, integrity, compassion, and loyalty.{ok}
This is a good first draft. I can relate to your experiences (my dad had colon cancer when I was a youth as well, he fought it for a long time but succumbed to it eventually... and my grades took a much nastier plunge...illness within the family is no laughing matter) Anyhow, the beginning is nice, i offered a suggestion that may or may not work for what you are trying to do, but later on, when you are describing your academic difficulties, I feel there is a disconnect. Ok, so your grades took a dip and you chose to stay in school despite family complications, commendable. But sometimes taking W's or withdrawing from classes entirely is a smart move. That is why the option is there. And you might try describing how your father's lessons merged with your decision to finish the semester. "I am not defined by my Spring semester 2009", that's nice, but don't you think that maybe we, as humans should never be defined by any particular semester, or grade for that matter? Suppose some genius, math-savant took 24 units at MIT during the fall 2004 semester, all honors courses and aced all of them getting the highest grades the institute has every seen in its history....So what? That still shouldn't define him/her as a human being, and if it does, I think that is a problem. You may want to include somewhere in your piece, that the human condition is more important than any grade or GPA....and that what you learned from all this was the reality that there are things in life that can and should transcend the purely numerical judgments that are often made within the modern academic world, things like the lessons your father taught you. And regarding the lessons, how exactly does bullying+encouraging words=lesson on integrity? You may want to elaborate more here, and go a little more in to the succeeding lesson on devotion... The ending was a bit confusing to me as well, what's this whole deal with the Constitution and federal regulations? Seems a bit random and off topic...otherwise, I think you're off to a wonderful start.
I enjoyed reading your essay and wish you the best in your revisions.
I think you should stay focus more on the recent incident that kept you from achieving high result in school than the other things. Reallie stress down to the point how this incident made you struggle with all the work that were already a lot, let alone your dad's illness, and even though you seem lost in keeping up everything together, you realized some important lessons in your daily life.
I mean if you could make them see it vividly, do so, dont' just list out stuffs. Maybe you could unite the second and third para together, they present pretty much the same Idea right? I suck at grammar so I can't help you with that, this is just some personal thought. Hope it help =D
Oh, one more thing, maybe you want to state your thesis in the opening, because I didn't find that out until the very end, the opening and conclusion don't reallie demonstrate coherence to me. Or maybe its just me, I dunt know. =P
Thanks for the comments guys!
I just left out the name of the college on purpose. The school is very proud of - and well-known for - refusing to take federal money (on principle).
I am thinking about scrapping this essay. I somehow need to write a supplementary essay explaining the fact that my father was extremely ill and my grades suffered for it. But trying to adapt that to this question about character seems to fall flat. ..
I don't know. I'm appreciating the comments! Thankyou!
Oh I see, (about the federal money issue). Makes more sense now, but I still think it's a bit of a stretch in the context of the question. It may be appropriate if you were writing up an opinion expounding the growing disparity between education costs and household income, the actions particular colleges are taking to address the issue, and how those actions reflect institutional values. I suspect this is a very well endowed college you speak of. I mean, I guess there is a similarity between the pride one might feel by plowing through academics in the midst of familial issues and a particular colleges' refusal to accept federal assistance when dealing with inflation, but in this essay, you mention how frustrating it was to see your grades drop. How big was this drop? A 3.9-3.4 seems more like a recession than a prolonged depression in the "grade economy" you speak of. Did the contraction spread to all your academic subjects or just the math/science sectors? Will these sectors see a recovery? You say you were so distraught that you'd rather not even look at the grades,do you think it was the right decision? Did it give you a sense of pride in the end, and if so how? What are the short/long-term consequences of all this? How does honesty, loyalty, compassion, and integrity fit into all this? And how might you go about remedying a similar problem should it show up again in the future?
I don't think you should scrap the essay entirely, you just need to implement more fruitful connections among the topics you mention.
I like your essay, but it can say a lot more, and I think it needs to.
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