Explore opportunities; Why Industrial Engineering at U OF T

Hi Everyone, this is my engineering admission essay for UT. English is my second language so please someone help me with my vocabulary absence, grammar mistakes and ideas :)

The requirements of the essay are:
What has inspired you to pursue an engineering degree and why would you like to study at the University of Toronto? What skills have you developed through your extra-curricular experiences that will support your future success as both a student and an engineer?

ESSAY

I am a responsible excellent student who is looking forward to be a successful industrial engineer. Ever since I was a kid, I've dream with the idea of being someone who changes other people lifes. Through time, this has happened with little things, but my dream keeps growing as well as my expectations and goals. Throughout my school life, I have taken on many responsibilities defining myself as a leader and I've also learned the importance of being part of a group searching for the same goal, understanding what teamwork really is. For example, I always was appointed to the role of head of the working group, because I always came up with a coherent process and ideas to create the right basis and accomplish the task. In addition to that, I've also developed the ability of problem solving and through different activities I've learned how to apply it in my daily life, and I enjoy doing it.

In my first years of school, I didn't understand why any of my classmates liked math subject. Every time we had class they were complaining about it, while I was really excited to learn more and more things. My professors were always very impressed by my easy understanding and my ability to learn math in a fun way. That's why now I know that when you really like something, no matter what you'll find the way to enjoy doing it. My other interests include design, and the combination with science and math increased my passion to pursue Industrial engineering as I had discovered the perfect link I'll be able to accomplish and achieve.

I've always been excellent at math and science, so industrial engineering is the ideal career because I know it will help me to blow up my skills. This major involves aspects of community and daily life, so through this career I will learn to grow not only as a professional but as a person able to develop and lead processes like the creation of industries and new products. As I said, I want to give part of myself and contribute to improve quality of people's life.

At first sight, I am a very feminine girl and it's interesting to see the reaction of people who doesn't know my skills and personality as soon as I say my dream is to become an industrial engineer. Is a kind of stereotype, and through life I've proved to those who didn't believe I could that I can, and that being feminine or pretty is not synonym of weakness.

The faculty of industrial engineering in the University of Toronto is known by being a leader in engineering, encouraging investigation, creativity and leadership. When I think of me as a U of T graduate engineer I see myself as a successful professional able to overcome any obstacle applying science techniques with social and humanitarian responsibility funds gained through hard working studying years. I am excited to explore all the opportunities that university will open up to my life. University of Toronto offers the right and high level education I need to be a successful engineer, opportunities will be endless.

THANKS!
MARIA

Hi there - firstly good luck with your application. Just a few grammatical suggestions:

looking forward to be a successful = looking forward to becoming a successful
I've dream with the idea = I've dreamed of the idea
Through time = over time
developed the ability of problem solving = developed the ability to problem solve
blow up my skills = build up my skills
who doesn't know my skills = who don't know my skills
as soon as I say my dream is to become an industrial engineer = when I tell them that I want to become an industrial engineer.

Try this sentence regarding the stereotype:
Stereotypically being feminine or pretty is often synonymous with weakness, but throughout my life I have proved that this is untrue.

I am excited to explore all the opportunities that university will open up to my lifeholds for me .
I believe that the University of Toronto offers the right and highhighest level of education that I need to become a successful engineer, and that it offers endless opportunities will be endless.

keen2edit Thank you so much for correcting my errors, I really appreciate it a lot :)

Hi Maria,

I guess your prompt needs to know why you are attracted towards their uni. Also you need to talk about your skills developed through your extracurricular activities that would help your future goals. So, I feel you have not given enough prominence to what they really require. What you've written sounds more like statements that are not backed by enough evidence. First pick some features of the uni and tell them how they are going to be helpful for your future goals and aspirations. Talk about your skills through the experiences that you gained from such extracurricular activities. Everything you say, should be based on facts and should sound more convincing.

.... I feel this line is a better one to start your response. It's always better to convince them through facts rather than trying through statements.


.... this sounds a bit like boasting about you. You can tone it down by telling them what you did and about your experience so that they'll be convinced that you are a good leader. Try to highlight your leadership qualities through your experience in an indirect way to show them you are a good leader.


... again these, in my view, don't add much value to your response. Focus your writing on to what is required by the prompt. Why are you keen on doing engineering? How you developed a passion for that? What you want to be in the future? How your extracurricular activities helped you earn skills that are helpful achieving your future dreams?